Rage Against The Beard
Are you bummed that you can't grow a beard? Do you look like those hairless cats? Do your make friends make fun of you just because they can grow facial hair and you can't? If the answer is yes, you either need new friends or you can just read this article and feel good about not having facial hair at all. This article will also provide you with awesome come backs you can use when your friends make fun of you for not being able to grow facial hair.
Beards are ugly, unsanitary and serious health hazards, I don't care what anyone says but beards are not sexy. All evidence suggests that beards are unsanitary. Consider the 1907 experiment in which two men kissed a young woman after walking through Paris. A sterilised brush was passed over her lips and dipped into a solution. Harmless yeast germs were found in the clean-shaven man's solution, whereas the bearded man's swarmed with malignant microbes. So ladies let me give you a piece of advice next time you kiss a man - make sure he is clean cut.
In 1985, a Soviet scientist discovered that beards caused a build-up of unhealthy substances, which were then inhaled. They were especially dangerous, he surmised, if worn by smokers. That proves that having a beard actually decreases your life span. Better start shaving folks.
According to Chinese scientists, chemical pollutants are trapped in the hair: "Those with both moustaches and beards may breathe as much as 6.1 units (at least 4 units more than the clean-shaven)," reports an official newspaper. "Beards violate the requirements of hygiene and are not desirable." So clean shaven men breathe air which is cleaner and less harmful than men with facial hair (especially a beard).
According to a 1993 Gallup poll, 86 per cent of women disapprove of thatches, and American researchers have discovered that political candidates with clean cut features have a five percent advantage over hairy opponents. That five percent could result in you being the President of the United States. So if you are a clean shaven man than you have better chances making it as the leader of the free world than people who are hairy.
In 1969, N. Parker, an Australian psychiatrist, argued: Gentlemen who wear moustaches are generally obsessive, psychopathic, and have some other unmentionable problems. So you see, the only reason they make fun of us is because bearded men are insecure people. They make fun of you to make themselves feel big and important. Whereas, the truth is that men with excessive amounts of facial hair and other aggressive features are usually insecure in… some areas.
Now if you can't grow facial hair consider yourselves lucky. However, if you are a hairy beast go to the bathroom with your sister's veet hair removal cream or your dad's razor (if you know how to use it, that is) and start shaving. Because you know what they say "If the 20th century should remove whiskers from the face of man, it will be glory enough for 100 years."
All facts taken from Google.
By Alvi Ahmed
Lovin' With Dr. Lovelove
The Love Doctor that makes Cupid cry for his mommy…to get his diaper changed.
Hello, dear readers. This week I am quite pleased due to the response I've gotten from you regarding last week's letter. There were so many that it'd be quite impossible to fit them all into this short space in the newspaper so I have decided to mention the two best out of the submissions. Drumroll please.
So, the winners are:
2) Daniel Lee Yes, I didn't spell it wrong or make it up: aka 'anime Freak'. I even looked him up on Facebook only to find this brunette/black-haired version of Justin Beiber. I thought it best not to look further into it. Despite his not knowing the difference between 'racism' and 'sexism', it was a good enough to piece to come second.
Sore loser (yeah, my low self-esteem again)
I like the problem you have. It's something different, and almost complicated, enough for Me to sink my teeth into. In the words of Sigmund Freud: “Those who leave school too early, must shave their head lest it turneth curly.” Now, this quote has absolutely no significance here, but sometimes, We do things just because We want to. I wanted to quote someone famous and rhyme at the same time, so I did. I didn't harm anybody in the process, did I? My point being, just do whatever the hell you want. Whenever you're down, do something so random, so random, but so what you want, that you wouldn't be able to help but smile. I know, this all sounds too hippy and unrealistic, but don't cuss it 'til you've tried it. Like Mandela once said: “Dr. Lovelove is the best thing to happen to the universe since sliced bread.” Well, no, he didn't, but he will. He's already ninety-two, there isn't much time before he drops dead, so fingers crossed he'll mention it soon.
You have to understand, My dear loser, that all people are idiots. Why bother mixing with them? They'll just make you miserable. Now, if you're still bent on mixing and 'belonging' then you either have the easiest or the hardest solution: change yourself. To suit what they want. Changing yourself is never worth it, not for anybody.
Unless it's Me.
By Dr. Lovelove
Write To Teeta
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