Home   |  Issues  |  The Daily Star Home

 

Prince: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

Rapunzel: Err, yeah… I'll just have to brush it, comb it, shampoo it, double-condition it and dry it and… could you just come back tomorrow? *smiles apologetically*

Prince: WTH???
And that, dear friends, is the real, unedited truth. How else do you think the witch found out about the prince? Even without an eighty-kilo person tugging on your locks, life isn't pain-free when you have all that hair on your head. And here's another unsavoury bit of trivia: our pretty princess here had lice (Sssh!) What do you think she was doing all those years that she was locked up in that tower?

Now imagine that this princess is your sister. How long does it take her to get ready for that dawat? Brush, spray, puff, tease… bangs pinned to the side or not? And heaven forbid that she has curls! No, we won't even go there. By the time you actually get to the dawat (assuming her hair doesn't need any more 'adjustments') the other guests have already made their way through the third round of desserts. Your stomach growls angrily as you see the remnants of a mutton rezala being taken away. The evil is in the hair, you decide.

And then you have an epiphany: no hair=no haircare=win! No wonder those Buddhist monks are so peaceful-looking: they're bald! They don't have to spend thirty precious minutes of their lives rinsing and repeating everyday. Which leaves them more time for great and philosophical thoughts. Like how to save the world by eating nothing but soyabeans.

But then you also remember all those villains in the movies - they were bald too. In that case they would use their hairless heads to think up ways of destroying the world by making people eat nothing but soyabeans. And there are other bald people as well - your Grandpa, Vin Diesel, that creepy invigilator that kept staring at you during your Bangla exam.

You realise how bald people look that much more awesome in sunglasses than the 'other' people. Not that you've ever seen your Grandpa in shades, but hey, Photoshop. Remember Number One from Codename: Kids Next Door? He wouldn't be Number One if he had hair, I tell you.

Inspired by thoughts of a tangle-free existence, you grab the scissors and chop off your ponytail. Wow that felt amazing! The bangs are next to go. Then that pesky strand that keeps getting into your mouth. Chop, chop. Snip, snip. It doesn't occur to you that you are probably going to look like a freak. It doesn't occur to you that your younger brother will scream every time he sees you now. And it definitely doesn't occur to you that you could have gone to a barber.

But well, it was worth it. You're free from the roots of all evil. You've always wanted to see what your bare head looked like, and now you can. You take one sneak peek at the mirror and WOAH! “Hey, I'm one darn hot baldie!” All that's left to do now is to find those shades…

By TheAlien4mEarth


On one dreary day, with the heat making a mess of our brain-cells, we were fighting off the sleep-inducing incantations, i.e. the lectures, of our perpetually boring teachers. Our efforts were in vain for they are indeed the masters of their art and craft. The backbenchers as we are, decided to show some appreciation for their endeavour to help the sleep-deprived, facebook-addicted, batman-wannabe teenage generation to sleep: we slept through the lecture. And we had a dream: a dream of an ideal educational institute and an ideal curriculum. Where we have courses like-

Bunking 101: Credit 4.00, Course Type: Theory/ Optional
The course deals with the most admirable quality a proper student may hope to possess, bunking classes. Although many (parents) would differ, and say “Rabindranath, Twain were one in a million geniuses”, skipping classes comes with great benefits. Our brains, eyes and hands are rested, our minds are refreshed, and we feel a greater motivation to study. This course actually teaches a student to bunk classes successfully. You fail if you show up for class.

Napping 102: Credit 5.75, Course Type: Practical/ Compulsory
There are teachers who can take mildly interesting subjects and turn it into totally unbearable ones. Again there are teachers who take friendly conversations among friends the wrong way, like completely. When these two characteristics intersect in one teacher, you have a problem. Solution: sleep through the lecture. That way you don't 'disturb' the class. This course offers the highest credit for its sheer importance. Pillows are not allowed. Students are encouraged to find comfort in the hard surfaces of the desk and their backpacks. Drooling is prohibited for health reasons.

Nerding 103: Credit 4.00, Course Type: Theory/ Optional
Students are allowed to choose between Bunking 101 and Nerding 103. This course prepares the students (nerds) to note down everything the teacher says, writes on the board, makes jokes about and rants furiously on; basically anything the teacher spends at least 5 seconds on, even coughs and sneezes. The practices of completing assignments on due time and consulting with the teachers after every class are very much promoted. So is bamboozling nearly every other person in the class with unnatural questions and smart-alec conversations with the teachers. But the pass mark depends on their performance in the Ethics 104 course.

Ethics 104: Credit 3.00, Course Type: Practical/ Compulsory
Although the importance of judging your own merit by not taking any external help in the examination hall cannot be more stressed upon, there comes a time in a man's life when he has to put his foot down. Memory cells are fragile. But together we can achieve great things. So healthy interactions in the hall to check each other's answers to that baffling MCQ, or trigonometric equation should not be frowned upon if they are not caught red-handed. Moral ethics suggest that, a good student should help out the not-so-good ones and everyone has to stick together in happiness as well as in misery. This course engraves these principles in the tender hearts. Feeding fake answers and wrong formulas fail a student.

Physical Education 106: Credit 1.50, Course Type: Practical/ Optional
Skipping classes is one thing, but fleeing after responding to the roll call takes a whole lot of courage. Besides, throwing crumbled balls of paper to the other corner of the classroom, poking each other in the ribs, blowing raspberries, ogling the class beauty, all require a sound body. And who doesn't know that a sound mind resides in a sound body? P.E. 106 rejuvenates the battered souls, slumped by the huge weight of the books and peer pressure. But this course is not for all; few can take on the challenges it offers.

Witticism 107 and 108: Credit 3.00, Course Type: Theory and Practical/ Special
The class jokers are entrusted with the sacred duty of keeping the class alive by making occasional sarcastic remarks in passing, impersonating the teachers or making a total fool out of himself/herself or a poor nerd. A class joker has to be witty and courageous. He needs to put his life on the line for the sake of others. This revered course is entrusted only to those who are able and gifted.

But, will our dreams ever be fulfilled? If these were, one should guess the more sensible proposals of removing the time limit in the exam and giving out A's indiscriminately to anyone who at least tried to answer would be accepted first. Sigh.

By Jawad


I have long hair. It's longer than shoulder height. It's longer than a few girls I know. It's been growing for a long time now. I think my last proper haircut was about two years ago (the occasional trim or chopping an inch off does not count). I have a friend who had no hair. It was by his own choice though and not the result of some debilitating hair disease. His “bald phase” as he called it, lasted all the time it took him to grow his hair back. But in those two months or so that he had little to no hair, I could see the looks he gave me and my awesome flowing mane. It was a look of jealousy and loathing and at the same time a look of regret. Regret at how he had gotten rid of his own hair. He suffered.

Having an awesome flowing mane leads to the usual effeminate/questioning masculinity jokes by friends or people around your age (again, it's because they're jealous. Their mommies probably won't let them grow their hair.) But since I don't have to be polite with them I can respond with an appropriate amount of swearing and references to awesome people who wore their hair long (Slash, Dio, Kurt Cobain and pretty much every rock star in the 1980s and 90s. Even Jesus had long hair).

Another story about a different bald friend (I have plenty of them). We were walking along Dhanmondi Lake when all of a sudden two policemen stopped us. They took my friend to a corner and interrogated him for ten minutes before finally letting us on our way. When I asked what all that was about I learned that because he was bald, they became suspicious that he was part of the neighbourhood “goondas”.

Having long hair is just plain cooler than having none. For one thing, you can play with long hair, that is to say, you can experiment with different styles everyday. Being bald means you're stuck with the same look.

But being bald has its advantages too. You can blind people with the light reflecting off your bare scalp. Your family and friends will constantly be touching or poking your hairless scalp with immense interest. Sure, you'll enjoy the attention but for how long? Soon you'll be wishing you could lock yourself up in your bathroom to avoid the head-poking and the wide-eyed fascination that the outside world holds.

You know how people in fast moving cars open the windows to feel the wind in their hair. Well, sorry to say, if you're bald, you won't feel anything in your hair primarily because you have no hair. Instead you'll just feel an uncomfortable chill on the top of your head.

Being bald leads people to assume the worst. I've known people to go up to bald people and make ridiculous statements. Obviously this is met with bewildered faces but spare yourself from awkward situations like this. Get hair!

By Bareesh

 
 

home | Issues | The Daily Star Home

2011 The Daily Star