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HOW TO BE A CREEP

If you are thinking: “Why the hell would I want to be a creep”, then you fail. If you now find yourself asking “How the hell do I fail if I'm sane enough not to want to be a creep” then… well… you fail again.

Try looking around you with your inner eyes. Look at all the famous, successful people in this world. What is it that makes them rich, famous and successful and not you? We'll tell you. Ninety percent of such people are creeps. We won't be naming names, but just think about it.

The STARE: Does anyone remember that girl in Dexter (we're talking about the cartoon, by the way) who just stared with her huge eyes? That's what we're talking about, she even creeped out DeeDee with her stare, so just think about the number of people you could creep out with the stare. Your teacher. That dude you hate at school. That blasted mother of that blasted girl who told your mother that the report cards were given out last month. Just stare at them with your eyes wide apart, and don't blink.

The SMILE: The smile is much, mush harder to master than the stare, hence requires a lot of practice. However, very simply put, the creep smile involves baring your teeth in slow motion and having a lecherous/insane look in your eyes. Try looking at a smiling picture of Ozzy Osbourne or Marilyn Manson in make-up.

The ULTIMATE stalker: For this, you have to master the SMILE and the STARE. Sit beside your crush, and stare at him/her (without forgetting to smile). Supposing your crush is taking a nap on the couch. Sit beside him/her and stare (don't forget the smile!) till the creep vibes wake him up.

“Do the creep”: We realise that it is possible that neither the SMILE nor the STARE works for you, after all these qualities do tend to be innate. However, fear not, for we have the solution to this problem. Check out this music video called “The Creep” by The Lonely Islands. It is basically an easy-to-follow tutorial on how to be a certified creep. It will do wonders for you. Trust us.

Shock rock: After the certified creep comes the shock rock level. Shock rockers take the Creep to its ultimate level, and it's nearly impossible to go beyond this. Their Creep is directly related to their fame and fortune. Alice Cooper, Marilyn Manson, Ozzy Osbounre. All creeps. Iggy Pop's also a certified punk rocker creep. Run around pretending to be a demon and sticking your tongue out at random strangers, like Gene Simmons. And of course, there are many, many more. So, what we want you to do is pick your creep idol, and follow them. Bite off a bat's head or a pigeon's like Ozzy. Go androgynous on the streets like Manson.

Please note that we are serious about this. We always are, you know. We really want you to be awesomeness personified. But for that, you really do need to be a creep.

By Sarwat Yunus


Don't Do It Yourself

Waxing

It's very easy to come across DIY tutorials these days teaching you all kinds of things from “How to Make Paper Boxes” to “Simple Steps to your own Detonator”. Of course, not everything is meant for everyone, and what people need now are 'Don't Do It Yourself' or 'DDIY's which outline the dangers of taking into your own hands things you should leave to professionals.

True, there are many who are sufficiently skilled to wax their bodies to perfection. Even then, there are thousands of ways where that can go disastrously wrong.

Step One: Heat the Wax.
Easy enough, right? Wrong. The wax is usually in a metal or plastic container, so you can forget about popping it in the microwave for a quick whirl. You can't just place it on top of the stove either. This is where you put your (little) physics knowledge to use and use a water bath which is basically putting the tin in a pot of boiling water. Even then, you have to execute great caution because spilling the water, wax or even accidentally brushing against the pot or the wax container can burn you. Great.

Step Two: Spread a Layer of Wax Evenly on Any Part of your Body.
It's HOT. You're using a small spatula to put a layer of gloopy, golden wax on your skin, which if you check the last step YOU JUST HEATED. I won't even begin to describe how painful that is. The wax is sticky and it cools super fast. Basically, as you try spreading the wax, you can already feel some of your tinier hairs being pulled out by the mere strength of it. Ow.

Step Three: Apply The Wax Strips.
You have no doubt used more wax than your strip can hold. You can't get the strip to smooth out over, and it's all crinkly. The heavy wax on your skin already has you immensely frustrated. You feel icky. All you want is for this to be over. This step just never goes right.

Step Four: And PULL.
This is probably the most fun step for a spectator. Here you will be screaming, shouting and possibly have tears rolling down your face. The gist of it is to hold a little corner of the strip, and yank it off. You can feel every little hair on your arm being pulled out of their pores. It is over in seconds, though. Then you look from your arm to the wax strip. Only some of the hair has come out.

Your wax has probably cooled by this time.

By Selima


A Song of Ice and Fire: A Clash of Kings

After powering through A Game of Thrones, A Clash of Kings is as welcome a relief as it is… well, slow. However, now that all the characters have been introduced and the readers have become sufficiently familiar with them, Martin foregoes all mentions of blue eyes and red hair (pretty much the highest level of description he's willing to go into), diving into the story with no pause.

Events from the previous book have thrown Westeros into chaos. There is rebellion at every corner, and despair and ambition are making themselves known among commoners and nobles alike. The long summer is drawing to a close, and people are preparing for an even longer winter. Robert Baratheon's younger brothers have both declared themselves King as rumours about Robert's children's parentage come to light. Eddard Stark's eldest, Robb, seeks revenge for his family, crowned King of the North with the support of the entire Northern part of the Seven Kingdoms. In this book, we are introduced to another area of Westeros: Dragonstone, through the eyes of the Onion Knight, Ser Davos. Dragonstone, described as a broken place for bitter men, is held by King Robert Baratheon's second brother, heir to the throne after Robert's legitimate children. Another new point of view comes from Theon Greyjoy, who introduces us to Pyke and the seas of Westeros, and plans to bring his House back to glory. Jon Snow meets the Wildlings beyond the Wall, Daenerys Targaryen builds an army across the Narrow Sea, Tyrion Lannister and Sansa Stark watch events unfold at King's Landing and the castle, and Arya Stark grows into life as a common traveller.

There's treachery, deceit, betrayal. Allegiances are forged, loyalty is secured, honour is kept. Martin is careful in representing his characters, forming a good balance between stereotypes and original. If anyone has read A Wheel of Time, you will be grateful for the refreshing change in the portrayal of women in A Song of Ice and Fire. The female characters are strong, as are the children, and both are given far larger roles than in most fantasy books. The war, of thrones and swords alike, is played out with unforgivable brutality. Martin takes no prisoners.

One of the best and worst things about this book is Martin's utter lack of interest in what his readers want. He appreciates our support, but doesn't care for our opinions; hence his story is not influenced by favouritism. A Song of Ice and Fire is also different in the sense that no one gets a spotlight. Just when you think you've figured out who the main characters are, some of them are whisked out of the picture, while others waltz in to replace them. It's so confusing it's brilliant, but we hope it'll all come together in the end. That's all we can do, given the end is literally nowhere in sight.

A Clash of Kings is mainly a bridge, building up for the third book, so the pacing is relatively slow and politics take priority over battle. For yours truly, who enjoys the formalities as much as the war with swords, this is an excellent book. For others, it may seem a let-down after A Game of Thrones. Whichever you prefer, it's worth waiting it out for the climax, which definitely is on its way. Unfortunately, no matter what advice we may give you about not getting attached to the characters, over the course of this book, you will get attached to several of them, especially to Robb Stark.

By Professor Spork

 
 

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