The Ugly 'Tooth'
Our parents do have to put up with a lot. Let's face it; we're not exactly the most docile generation. We have our violent tantrums and fits, and when we want something we need it. So, you can't blame them for wanting a little revenge occasionally. They get their first taste of this cold, sweet dish when we get our first loose tooth.
You wake up one morning to find that your tongue is suddenly super strong. It has managed to push a tooth out of its usual, fixed place. With childish fervour, you rush to your parents' room to inform them of your new superpower. You're so excited you completely miss that manic gleam in your parents' eyes. You show off what your magic tongue can do by wobbling your teeth. They ask to inspect it closer. You oblige, being the sweet (albeit sometimes annoying) child you are. They want to touch that tooth of yours. You think it's weird, but you can understand the emotion. You too were quite mesmerised when you first realised. You move up closer and open your mouth.
You feel your mouth pooling with blood. You can't even cry out because you'll stain your clothes and the floor with your blood. Tears are streaming down your face in pain, and you have no idea what to do. You feel betrayed. Your parents tricked you, and you fell for it. Your parents tell you to suck it up and be a man. You're even more perplexed, you're just a little girl. They take you to the bathroom, make you rinse and apply some ice and that's that.
Of course, those are the luckier kids. They're the ones whose teeth are loose enough for parents to pull out. Most parents don't respect the wishes of teeth to remain in the mouth. They want to wrench it out as soon as they hear it's begun to wiggle even if most of its roots are still firmly holding on to your gums. So, when pulling doesn't work, they use a cleverly designed torture method. Most of you have seen it on TV; few have had the misfortune of actually experiencing it: the doorknob method. They simply tie a string to your tooth and another to the door. They tell you to stand right there with your mouth open and they'll be right back.
They close the door with great force, and your tooth has been permanently detached from your mouth. You can't begin to imagine the pain this can cause. It feels as if your gums have been sliced into two. You can feel the site of incision with your tongue. You feel terror, hurt, pain, humiliation and betrayal. Your parents feel triumph. And I can bet they feel evil.
Some parents with a conscience then attempt to compensate by leaving you money as the Tooth Fairy, others try to make you forget by throwing the tooth away in the nearest (mouse) hole saying that'll make your new tooth as strong and straight as a mouse's. You've never seen a mouse's teeth, but you take their word for it that it's straight and strong. The eviller parents just don't do anything at all. It's tooth out, mission accomplished and celebrations for them.
The luckiest child, though, is the one who loses his teeth all on his own. They usually have the best stories to tell. This writer remembers she once discarded her tooth, while eating Tehari, because she thought it was a bone. It was those wonderful ones with no blood loss, so she didn't realise until she kept feeling there was something wrong. The rice kept ending up at a hollow space where her tooth should have been. She ran her tongue over it, and woah! No tooth. Footballs to the face, getting your tooth knocked out - literally, pulling it out accidentally on a particularly real game of 'Dentist- dentist' - the list is endless.
The most sensible process is to go to the dentist. We don't envy those who had their teeth pulled out by professionals though - especially if they've faced the pointy end of those giant injections. Anaesthesia or not, those injections are excruciating. Plus, where's the cool story in “A dentist pulled it out”?
If you have a loose tooth, get it ripped out of your gums now. It'll be painful, sure. But just think of the amazing story you can tell your friends later, about how much you've suffered and what a valiant little war hero you are!
By Selima Sara Kabir
A Day in My Life
Greetomgs, Earthlings. Do not be alarmed. I come in peace (I might leave you in pieces, but let's not think about that right now).
My name is Esplin 9266. I come from planet 07 orbiting a star codenamed SUN. My planet's codename is U-Ran-Us. Our planet is run by our glorious leader 'U'. I work for his top secret intelligence organisation GROSS (Great Research Organisation for Self Suffocation, or something like that, I think). My job is to monitor the race codenamed HUMANS (weird-beyond-imagination-people-who-send-defenceless-kids-to-school). They live on a planet codenamed URTH. But being a human I assume you know all about them, I mean yourselves. So instead, I will take you into a day in my life which will give you an idea about my race, the race known as U-Ran-Over-Us.
“Greetings, Esplin 9266, mightiest of the mighty, soon-to-be-billionaire, and most popular guy around.” This is how my customised waking-time-notification-device (codenamed ALARM CLOCK) wakes me up in the morning. I require motivation to leave my comfortable-rest-inducing-machine (codenamed BED). I perform a number of actions such as brushing my fangs and feelers, taking a bath, absorbing breakfast, putting on my suit, and packing my document-storing-and-feeling-important-device (codenamed BRIEFCASE). Then I get into my pathetic-transporting-vehicle (codenamed - and this is top-secret - BROKEN DOWN OLD CAR).
When I arrive at work, (the time is 20:00am) I must first perform the ritual of going and sucking up to the person holding the rank of yelling-at-employees-driving-Audis-and-McLarens-and-getting-six months'-vacation-guy (codenamed BOSS). I then go to my workstation and perform a task that is highly essential. My job is called pretending-to-work-when-meanager-I-mean-manager-comes-to-check-and-at-other-times-indulging-in-game-of-chance (codenamed SOLITAIRE) on my laptop when the manager isn't looking. I stop 'work' at 26:30 a.m. for my caffeine-drinking-non-working-time (codenamed LUNCHBREAK). After this, I continue my tasks. At the end of the day I collect an item known as bringer-of-happiness-but-in-small-quantities-as-bosses-are-cheapskates (codenamed PAYCHECK).
I return by means of my transportation device to my place-of-relaxing-and-hiding-from-tax-collectors (codenamed HOUSE). I partake of a meal, and watch a wondrous device known as bringer-of-peace-through-watching-other people's-problems (codenamed TV). I then perform a task called going-online-and telling-complete strangers: I'm-a-twenty-year-old-self-made-billionaire-and-rock-star (codenamed CHATTING). Afterwards I partake of a final meal (you don't want to know what I eat) and go to bed.
Well, that's a day in my life. Write and tell me about your life (like I care!).
By Arbab Chowdhury,
How to write badly: Love-letters
Nowadays in the time of e-mail, texting and Twitter, nobody bothers with letters to proclaim their love. Writing a love letter is almost a lost art with people now being content with pasting a cheesy Hallmarks line on their Facebook status to show their “heartfelt” feelings. A love letter works the other way as well. A love letter can be used to sweep a girl off her feet... or make her feel repulsed by you. This article deals with the latter.
Step 1: Use the right paper and the right handwriting
Step 2: Find strange things to compare your love to. Go for the gross out.
Because being compared to uncomfortable bowel movements is what every girl dreams of. With lines like this, you can very well expect a text informing you of the end of your relationship. Use your imagination. Find ways to insert dead rats or anything else your better half finds gross instead of diarrhoea. They won't be able to hold in their disgust after this. See what I did there? Apologies for the attempted gross-out.
Step 3: Use compliments which are insults.
Okay so if you don't understand the joke, Van Gogh cut his ear off in search of inspiration for his art and Chewbacca was the hairy creature in Star Wars. I don't suppose I need to explain any further into this step.
Step 4: Constantly talk about her best friend and how close you are to her/him
Assume the best friend is named F.
“So, just the other day I was telling F about how much I miss you. But she's really great. We hang out all the time when you're not around... F told me about your allergy to corn. We talked on the phone for about six hours the other day. That destroyed our record of an hour didn't it?”
I doubt I need to explain why you should definitely do this if a bad love letter and implying unfaithfulness is your aim.
As an ending note, if you do follow these steps and send your better half a “love” letter and they dump you right there and then, this writer will not be held responsible. Do so at your own risk.
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