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Maintain Wallet Weight on Valentine's Day

Cause we all know you love cash more than your girlfriend.

Unfortunately, you can't really say that to her, or she might poison your sandwich. Or leave your name in a Death Note. Either way, it's not a pretty picture, so you end up buying that thousand taka teddy and the overpriced 'romantic' candlelit dinner. You even pay for the rickshaw fare, which spontaneously rockets to CNG-level on 14th Feb. By the end of the day, you've wrangled every last bill out of your pocket and are left with barely enough coins to get you home. And it's not the knowledge that there isn't enough left for the bus fare that makes your shoulders sag - it's the realisation that you can no longer feel the satisfying weight of your wallet dragging down your pants.

There is no way out of Valentine's Day. Well, other than getting out of the ball-and-chains deal, but being single on V-day isn't cool either. The only thing left for you to do is to save some money instead of wasting - er, spending, it all.

Don't laugh; we're here to epitomise the saying, “If there's a will, there's a way.” No one said it's easy. No one said you don't have to make sacrifices, cut corners or dodge bullets. No one said it has to make sense. It all depends, really, on how much you love your cash.

Utilise the Bro Code
Rule Number 1: Bros before (censored: girls).

There are essentially two ways to go about this. The straightforward one involves ripping off your bro, in the way of 'borrowing' and never returning. Simple, obvious, and only requires begging skills. Also requires a bro without a girlfriend, and the wayward promise of returning the favour… someday. As per the Bro Code, your friend is obliged to lend you the money as long as there are no adverse consequences to his person. Since he doesn't have a girlfriend, he can't be castrated for giving you the money instead of spending it on her. No threat. Your wallet retains its five hundred taka note.

The second method is more dangerous, and it even less practical than the previous one. For this, you need a bro who does have a girlfriend, for whom he has already bought a gift. Stealing that gift and giving it to your own girl means you saved money on the present (V-day gifts are a one-size-fits-all deal, so no worries about her not liking it), and only have to spend on the dinner. Now, the Bros before (girls) concept can be problematic here for you as well, as you are pretty much choosing to throw your bro to the dogs - or cats, as it were - in order to please your (girl), in effect going against the Code. However, the Bro Code can be overruled by the Survival Code, Silver Rule (the Golden Rules involve the Zombie Apocalypse) Number 1: Chacha apon pran bacha. If your friend demands you return his kidney (i.e. his girlfriend's would-be present), you can also bring forth Sibling Code, Golden Rule Number 4: I asked first.

And so, money and lives are saved, and friendships are ruined. Temporarily. Because men don't (remember to) hold grudges; that's a woman's job.

Remember Arts and Crafts?
We hear a picture is worth a thousand words. Maybe it's worth a thousand bucks, too. Making a card costs less than buying a Hallmark note, especially if you have a sister in the house. It also indicates commitment and devotion. Probably. The point is, if you make something yourself and present it to your girlfriend, no matter how hideous it is, she'll know you tried (and you'll know you pretended to). She'll expect more, but you are not obliged to provide more. Because you've already shown her you're willing to embarrass yourself for her. What more could she want without sounding greedy?

Girls hate sounding greedy. Even when they are.

Music is the way to a woman's heart
Girls are impossible to satisfy and harder to trick. They know 'cheap' the moment they see it, and getting your girlfriend something cheap on the 14th is just stupid. Even the handmade cards should be made of expensive paper. But you know what doesn't cost a dime? Your voice.

Write a poem, write a song. Borrow a guitar and string your heart out. Kick a puppy, throw up whatever you felt about it, and tell her that's how you feel about her. If she doesn't buy it, your gag reflexes need work. Chances are she'll be too horrified by your failed attempts at sounding like the Backstreet Boys to notice that you also failed to invite her to Nandos.

Be a family guy
Women like family men… at least until they're married. Sometimes, it's good to spend V-day with family. People you love. Girls like the sentimentality and significance that comes with associating 'love' with 'family'. But don't be stupid and tell her you're spending all day with the 'rents. Buy her a pretty pair of earrings (spend a good couple of hundreds on 'em), meet up to take her to Modhu'r Canteen (or the IBA canteen, a little better food, still cheap price) where you present them with a flourish, spend an hour or two enjoying good, inexpensive food, then talk about how important it is to love your family, because of course, one day she will be your family too (or something like that; you might want to practice, because the ability to spew bullcrap on the fly is practically a superpower), dazzle her with your devotion to family values, and bow out of the picture to hang out with a couple of single friends and your mercifully still-bulky wallet.

That's one thing which should never lose weight.

By Medha Monjaury


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