IPC: Where all the heroes are
By Sarah Nafisa Shahid
Due to a growing need to address the ongoing crises of Planet Earth, the superhero representatives of all the countries of the world and beyond have decided to come together and take part in the IPC (Imaginary Peace Conference) 2012 in order to stumble upon a magical solution and solve the problem. Countries without a superhero representative have managed to borrow one from the United States of America who put its abundant supply of superheroes for lease or loan option last month.
The conference started early Thursday morning in Magneto's secret mutant-only base inside a volcano in Antarctica where the representatives were addressed by Professor X on his super-cool wheelchair (Yes, the Brotherhood of Evil and The X-Men have united once again). This is the first time that superheroes from parallel universes like Marvel and DC have agreed to participate in the same summit, marking the biggest gathering of this kind. The summit primarily plans to concentrate on developing a sustainable green economy which can tackle climate change, poverty, diseases, war and even alien abduction.
The historic discussion commenced with USA's Iron Man suggesting that we need to find alternative energy resources since we are running out of our finite fossil fuels. This statement was followed by the mention of nuclear energy by Wolverine who is running for Iran's next democratic elections after fleeing from North America and ditching his service to the American corporation, S.H.I.E.L.D. Wolverine's campaign flaunts the slogan 'Keep Calm and Mutate' which promotes his support for the country's attempt at harnessing nuclear energy: an alternative solution to fossil fuels according to him.
'But using nuclear power to reduce greenhouse gas emission would be way too costly and will create excessive toxic waste.' Argued Green Lantern who was representing the pressure group Greenpeace which had a tough time getting into the conference because Batman thought the organization was controlled by Poison Ivy. Maybe it is, we don't know.
America's idealistic pledge however did not distract Russia's Black Widow (who was a good enough distraction in her own way) from disclosing her file of secret information about how Stark Industries had lobbied American delegates to not sign a treaty for stabilizing greenhouse gases by the year 2000. Caught up in a tricky position, Iron Man refuted the accusation by saying that the treaty was 'too restrictive for a dying economy'.
In the midst of all this conflict, Aquaman tried to appeal the representatives to give attention to the issue of his country, Maldives', sinking islands where he had just hosted the world's first underwater cabinet meeting. Sadly, no one seemed to care enough just like with Bangladesh's Babu (disguised with a cape and underwear), who tried to get some attention with his lame jokes but failed epically; even India's Ra One with his flashy suit did not find Babu important enough. The summit closed with a soft warning from Israel's beautiful representative, Jean Grey, about her Omega-Level mutation and how it could pose more threat to the world than global warming or water shortage ever could.
Nevertheless, despite the eventful arguments between the superheroes, we are still unsure as to what they have decided for us mortals. Speaking to the press about the conference results, Chairman Ozymandias pulled off the classic politician remark from the Matrix, saying, “A strategy is still being formulated.” For what, we shall have to wait and see.
Rage You Are Ugly
You, the annoying self-centred one, who put up facebook statuses every two minutes. You, Miss Wannabe Duck, who upload photographs of yourself and several others making your lips look like a beak. You, the show-off, who boast a DSLR camera and take photos of yourself in your bathroom mirror. You, the poser, who think emoticons like “:P” can be an appropriate substitution to ANY kind of punctuation mark. You, the caveman, who disregard even the simplest rule of grammar in a sentence. You, the ever-so-connected, who upload obscure photographs of roses, violins and several trees and tag your entire friendlist on it. You, the pompous idiot, who share annoying motivational posters and say “itz so tru :O :O”. You, the pervert, who click on spam videos hoping to see some 'action' and thereafter infect hundred others. You, the big troll, who spam on random profiles and threads so that he isn't killed the day after. You, the pretentious, attention-seeking douchebag, who publicly display your affection to your boyfriend/girlfriend. You, the truculent evil thing, who check out “Which Celebrity you should date” or “Which Ghost Rider character are you” or “How much you love me” and flood my homepage. You, the tactless brainless zombie, who send me requests to play Zynga Poker and 'like' statuses that mourn someone.
You are ugly.
And you, the squeaky third wheel of a revolving chair, who talk in an irritating nasal voice every time. You, the corner of the bed where everyone stubs his toe, who talks in the fakest Bangla-accent known to the Bangla-speaking kind. You, the illiterate fool, who can't complete a single sentence in either Bangla or English. You uneducated ruffian, who think not knowing the date when your country got independence or what happened on 21st February makes you cool. You big-ugly brute, who push people out of the way on the streets and never even bother to say sorry. You, the hideous furnace who belch smoke at people walking by.
You are ugly as well.
Not to mention you, the filthy hypocrite, who lie about your preparation but still scrap the best grade. You pompous little brat whose respect for his elders is virtually non-existent.
You are all ugly; you are all lego-pieces lying on the floor to make me cringe every time I step on them.
I hate you. And many more.
Everybody and everything wants rights now
So we're green. Big deal. You gave rights for pets, action figures and even men. And face it - we're more useful than any of them, any day. So yeah, QUIT PICKING ON US. We have feelings too, you know. And thorns.
But then again, we are kind creatures, and we don't really want to use them. So just to keep everyone happy, we've drafted this Charter of Plant Rights. Keep reading.
Article 1 - Plants and their various organs shall not be used for the purposes of human ingestion
You see a cow and you go all, “Oh, those poor little cows. Let's become vegetarians!” WTH?! What about those poor little pumpkins or dherosh? We know it, and you know it better - cows are way tastier. In any case, vegetables were never meant to be eaten. Even children know that.
Article 2 - Humans shall not trample upon the fragile frames of plants and cause their destruction
“Oh, what a nice day. Let's go out and play football!” People, please. We like our fresh air too, and it's not coming out from under your shoes. Do as the sign says and keep off the grass. Thank god for Astroturf.
Article 3 - Humans shall not pick flowers. For the purposes of Mothers' Day, Valentines' Day and/or birthday, the entire plant shall be presented
Yes, we know we're pretty. And unlike your fellow humans, we don't mind the staring either. But please, hands off. If you really love your girlfriend, give her the entire rose plant. She gets a lifetime's supply of roses, and your wallet gets a break. And do remind her to water us once in a while.
Article 4 - Plants shall not suffer cruelty from humans or any other animals
Cruelty is when the dog uses the bot gach outside as a toilet. Cruelty is when a 3-year old monster rubs his sticky hands on our barks. And cruelty is most definitely when the cat barfs in the plant pot.
Article 5 - Plants shall not be referred to by degrading names
Call us sub-vegetation, call us invasive plants. But you DO NOT have the right to call us weeds! We have proper names too, you know, and it hurts us when we are called by anything other than that.
Article 6 - our dead shall be suitably honoured, and not subjected to depreciating practices
Our ancestors aren't firewood for you. Go burn cow poop instead. Our dead shall be left to gently decompose and replenish the earth with their nutrients.
The plants of the world