Home   |  Issues  |  The Daily Star Home

 

Putin the facts straight

Sometimes, RS will go to great lengths and expenses to get a great interview. This is not it.


By That Guy and Ero Senin
(with surprise cameos from Moyukh Mahtab)

There are many elections coming up. There is the DCC election soon. The US presidential election is around the corner. And then there are many elections in many countries that we don't care in the slightest about. But to better understand, how things work in these things, we sat down with an election veteran. This man can win an election to become “Dude with best hairstyle in the world” even though he's bald. Yeah, he's that good.

RS: Well, hello Mr. Putin. How are things?
Putin:
By Marx's shaggy beard, I'm fine. How flows the Red in your blood, young ones?

RS: They flow gently upstream, sir. What do you want us to put in your tea? (*sniggers*)
Putin:
Are you perhaps joking with me? By Sharapova's white headband, never ask a Russian what to put in his tea. Give me vodka.

RS: Very well. (Shouts to Moyukh) Oi, put in some vodka for Mr. Putin *uncontrollable giggling*. So Mr. Putin, congratulations on your win in the recent election. 140% of votes! How did you manage that?
Putin:
By Tolstoy's broken fountain pen, it was a miracle of the Red Republic! There was a lot of snow that day. No one could see anything. And miracles happen in the snow. Haven't you heard of Santa Claus? He comes out when it snows. And that is why our country is so glorious.

RS: But Mr. Putin, Australia doesn't have snow during Christmas. Do they not have Santa Claus and miracles?
Putin:
By Indiana Jones' accursed whip, do you still believe in Santa Claus? That was just a metaphor. Those Australians, the whole country, not very smart are they. I think it's too much interaction with furry creatures and not enough vodka. I don't like many furry creatures. Except bears. They are formidable opponents and not-half-bad wrestlers.

RS: Can you tell us something about your days working for the KGB?
Putin:
No.

RS: Please?
(At this point, two of Mister Putin's henchmen not-so-subtly slightly moved the coats to show us the gun holsters)
RS: Ok, ok, fine. You don't need to tell us about your days in the KGB.
Putin:
There are only a few things I hate more than Kosovo, Uzbekistan and Poets. They are Chechnya, Human Rights Activists, Hippies and Journalists. Unfortunately, journalists seem to meld into a combination of the other three, so I hate them the most.
(Suddenly, Ero wasn't sniggering so much.)

RS: Uh, right. Sorry about that then. Any comments on the Republican candidacy race in America? You think they'll beat Obama?
Putin:
These Republican candidates, these men have their priorities all wrong, by Tesla's suitpants. They argue about foreign policy and family values. What they should be saying is they'll lower the prices of vodka. As for Obama, I think he's done an OK job. But then again, American's are a bit slow to realise things. That's why it was Russians storming the gates of Berlin on D-Day in 1945.

Obama is a decent guy, nice singing voice. He also has a dog. But my dog is better.

RS: Uhm, right. You worked in East Germany didn't you?
Putin
(rising up): How dare you? How do you know of this? Who told you? Was it Igor? It was Igor, wasn't it? That.. (Look, we can't actually print the rest of what he said. It includes swears in three different languages. And in the end, a judo attack on Moyukh for not knowing the correct temperature of vodka serving)

RS: Ok, ok, please calm down and don't kill us. Let's talk about something else. How about the City Corporation Election in Bangladesh?
Putin:
By Kournikova's... skirt, I don't know much about them! (At this point he gestures and the meaner-looking bodyguard guy hands him a file) Hm. So these are the Mayor candidates. Hold the Czar's horses; they are from the same party! Why in Vladimir's last name are they competing against each other?

RS: Erm... we-
Putin:
Their posters and billboards! They are just mimicking the Americans. In a bad way! Their slogans reek of impure intentions and vile deeds of the past. And they change every 3 kilometres. What is up with that?

RS: Actually that-
Putin:
I hardly understand the logic behind presenting your nephew's snotty face in your campaign posters. Are they supposed to mean that they will love the people like they hug their nephew?

RS: Mr. Putin, they are campaigning to get nominated.
Putin:
Bathe my soul in Red! What will happen when they actually get nominated? How much are they spending on it?

RS: You can be sure that they are not spending any, Mr. Putin; they are investing.

Putin stares in disbelief at us for a few seconds.

Putin: Well. I think I know where to get my next Socio-econic-political advisor from. By Kalashnikov's smoky behind, you guys are merciless.

***

Did we actually learn anything from this interview? Nope. But we got a snazzy Kremlin souvenir vodka glass out of it.


 

home | The Daily Star Home

2012 The Daily Star