Art is pretentious. All art is pretentious. Or so says one of my bosses. Another, the artsy one, hates on art all day, and then somehow manages to draw awesome covers for RS. Or makes the boss lady do the work for him. In the end it boils down to what you call art in the first place - weird men with awesome moustaches and their obsession with rhinos or a block of yellow paint. This week we take a at look graffiti, comics and theft. Very artsy combination.
-- Moyukh Mahtab, RS Junior Sub-editor
How to Steal Art & get away with it
Tired of being penny-less? Sick of asking for money from your parents every time you go out? Ocean's 11-12-13, The Italian Job, Tower Heist, Fast 5 fills you with an inexplicable amount of adrenaline? Well, keep calm and steal art pieces. For the would-be art 'enthusiast', this article is a step by step guide to change the possession of the piece and other stuff related to the process i.e. how not to get caught. If you do get caught, it just means you failed to follow the instructions.
Step 1- Selection
Go to the place where they display art. A boy's school toilet is not art. Or a display of art. It's just their adolescent hormones. It can be a museum or a photography exhibition. Wear an orange panjabi; wet your hair with coconut oil; comb it so that everyone can see your skull between your neatly parted hair; trim your moustache. Find a photograph/drawing/ bust/unidentified-stone-object that you'd like to displace. Your object of choice should have the following characteristics to be considered an art piece:
· You don't understand it.
· You think you can draw it.
· You think your dog can draw it.
· It looks like an octopus.
Stare at it avidly till people get suspicious or impressed by your understanding of the art. Get out.
Step 2- Reconnaissance
Find a paper and write “Reconnaissance” on it. Write as many times as necessary till you get the spelling write right without having to look it up on the dictionary or Google. Go to the place where the art is kept. Do the reconnaissance work. Do I have to spell everything for you (haha)?
Step 3- Team Formation
Find some other guys and a few other girls who share your views on the sovereignty of art. Pick someone who picks locks (haha), someone to carry the stuff, someone to drive, someone to make fun of and a handyman. Find a good looking girl to create diversion, and another guy to create diversion because, you know... gender equality. Promise them all a healthy sum each. Never give them your address or add them on Facebook. Call them by codenames.
Step 4- Name the plan
It's a very crucial step in the entire operation. A good title inspires the people to do amazing deeds, while an ordinary one makes them cringe at every slight movement. You have to pick a name that represents your goal yet hides every important detail. “Operation Churi-Kore-Borolok-Hobo” is nothing special while “Project Toke-Dekhe-Nibo” reeks of childishness. You want to avoid childishness. “Aij-Pasha-Khelbo-Re-Sham” is a good name for your operation. But you can't use that. It is copyrighted. By me.
Step 5- Assign
Once you fix the name of the plan, name yourself the chief. Write the name on a big piece of blank paper. Draw the plan of the building. Try to include hilarious stick-men here and there to lift the mood of your associates; or draw monkeys. Monkeys are always funny. Practice drawing monkeys before drawing them on the plan. Even if you can't draw a proper monkey, draw one anyway: a badly-drawn monkey is even funnier. Assign your crew their respective duties. If someone is slow, make him repeat his instructions until he snaps. Then give him a chocolate bar (the money shall come from your project expenses). Watch Ocean's 11 together. This builds teamwork.
Step 6- Sleep
A good night's sleep is very essential for success. A sound sleep gives a sound mind and a sound mind resides in a sound body. Take care of your body. Push up, pull up. Eat healthy food. Don't eat too much. You don't want Nature to call you affectionately in the middle of your work. Try working on your smile. A confident smile will boost the morale of your crew.
Step 7- Don't Chicken out
Don't chicken out.
Step 8- Pull off the heist
Pull it off. Gently and expertly. Then flee.
Step 9- Preserve the Art
Remember the first rule of high-profile theft: it is useless if you don't handle it properly. While a scratch or two can be explained as the neuro-linguistic expression for philanthropy and the dark-sided, deep-rooted desire of the gentle mind, a broken statue or a torn portrait cannot be considered art. So be careful. Wear rubber gloves. Don't try to poke them to see what happens.
Step 10- Bribe the guards
Then get away safely without getting caught.
One of the many things Sherlock Holmes has taught me is that an object is hidden best in plain sight. Place the whatever-you-stole in your living room. Admire the beauty. Like a boss. Date one of the attractive people in your crew.
Then when you are old enough, write a book on it and sell the movie rights to FDC. Have Numba Wan Shakib Khan to play the role of your father. And please forget to mention yours truly in the interview after the tremendous success of your film.
Some say art is hard to understand. So we decided to find out how our readers saw things. This week posted a picture by Dale Hickey made in 1993 on our Facebook wall and asked people what they thought it represented. Here are some of their comments.
Tahseen Nur A cheese sandwich!
Arif Khan Nabil A slice of cheese and not the good type either.
Annoyíng Ayon I see dead squirrels.
Er, that last one probably wasn't food related. - RS
Anika Zaman I think this is an artistic/geometrical representation of the inside of a commode.
To be completely honest, we were expecting one of those. - RS
Fariha Kamal Elma It is what it is.
That's a logical loop. Argument invalid. - RS
Ahsan Sajid Don't you think art is more about how it makes you feel rather than how the artist created it, or what it means?
How does it make you feel?
Mostafa Monowarul Hawke
Requiescat in Pace George of House Galapagos, last of his name, lord of the terrapins, the turtles and the last giant tortoises. May the evil feral goats responsible for his loss burn in an open pit barbeque.
(I'd say 'burn in hell' but hey, why waste good meat ? :P)
Well said, brother. Let us partake in your barbeque in a celebration of George's life. We bring this giant bottle of coke as a mark of respect. - RS
Md Ajwaad Zaman Quashef
Having a nice day off on the beach after filling up Page 7 with the Beta writers' work, eh guys?
It was actually the RS canteen. The beach is so far away. And the sea is in turmoil we hear. - RS