Home   |  Issues  |  The Daily Star Home

 

RS PREDICTIONS

By Mastura and Ibby

Time moves fast, but we still somehow think we can outrun it. So what if RS is a lazy rabbit with even lazier writers pushing it across the finish line? It still wants to poke the patient little turtle right out of the way to see what's happening on the other side. And though our crystal balls have fogged up from the cold, our tea-leaves finished for similar reasons, and our tarot cards are frayed and torn, here we present the future for all to behold.
From politics to weather, we've got it all covered.

Lies, damned lies and statistics.
If Mark Twain said it, it must be true. At least that's the stance of every lawmaker in our country. When faced with overwhelming reports of government-level corruption, billions lost through mindless strikes and persistent inflation it seems like the best thing to do is to laugh it off. Besides, who needs numbers when we can have promises of fantasy bridges and strikes and strikes protesting strikes? Our prediction for next year's political sitcom: more of the same. And like the countless crappy Indian sitcoms out there, this one will have its fair share of disappearances, senile bald men, achy-breaky hearts and obscene amounts of make-up (not naming any names here). Not to mention the frequent sub-plots similar to the Railway-gate Scandal for much needed comic relief. For next year expect a lot of explosions and smoke and flaming buses because what performance is ever complete without flashy props? And with elections coming up next year expect bigger posters of our beloved leaders with their family and/or Ananta Jalil shooting sinners who refuse to vote for said leader in the background. We have never had a consecutive term lead by the same party, which only goes to show how unpredictably predictable we are. It's two sides of the same coin, but we nevertheless insist on flipping it every five years, like a Two-Face who's clearly wrong in the head. Now we take a moment to laugh at all the voters who will stand in the sun for hours to vote for either tea or coffee, not realising that the milk they're made from has gone bad decades ago.

Winter Is Here
On to the most boring part of any news, the weather. Except this time, it's not boring at all. Volcanic eruptions, earthquakes and massive floods are all in the offing. As cool as that sounds, these things are bad news for you. Worse than waking up to a Nickelback song on a cold winter morning. Yes, they're that bad. Especially all that Global Warming hocus-pocus the media keeps drivelling on about. I mean, seriously, giant waves submerging most of our country? How 2012 of you, guys. More importantly, ASOIAF fans have got their wish and winter is well and truly here to stay for a while. Unless you're into heavy-duty cosplay and want to imitate the white walkers, it's best to stay warm and show-off those Dhaka College bought hoodies. This year we predict snow because we want to see it and like all our other predictions, this one will come true as well. Apart from that, you'll get the flesh-searing pleasantness of the sun coupled with no electricity in the summer and knee-deep puddles of mud during the rainy season. Don't shoot the messengers. You would probably miss, anyways.

Football. Bloody Hell.
Onto sports now and the New Year won't help if you're an Arsenal fan, unless Theo Walcott decides to sign that piece of paper, anyhow. What with Lionel Messi breaking all records imaginable, Ibrahimovic treating us to some dazzling goals and Ronaldo and Mourinho's hissy fits, it will be hard to beat last year's brilliance. But we predict an even better year ahead for football fans. Shocked at Torres's blooming bromance with Rafa, Abramovich will do himself no favours with the Stamford Bridge faithful by installing Benitez as the permanent manager (in this case, permanent means more than the usually allotted six months). Lionel Messi will finally put to bed the age old question of 'can he score during a cold night at Stoke?' by scoring five against them in the Champions League. Yes, Stoke will qualify, playing the most atrocious football since Chelsea's run to Munich. Arsene Wenger will claim that beating the relegation is also a trophy while Liverpool fans will keep bleating about next year being their year. Not to be far from the headlines, Ronaldo will demand a transfer away from Real only for it to backfire spectacularly as only PSG can afford him. Moving to PSG, he will be threatened by Zlatan's manliness and sign for Abahani, score 169 goals for them and break Leo's record. Amidst all this, Guardiola will replace Mancini who will give up football altogether and open a hair salon and the red side of Manchester will bring out yet another Fergie clone from the freezer. We swear that's their secret. Otherwise, how do you explain it?

So here's my number, jongoler daak maybe?
2012 was the year for YouTube sensations. We started off with the Hot Problems and Call Me Maybes but ended with the Macarena-reminiscent 'Gangnam Style'. 2013 will see a follow-up of such pop-hits, albeit hopefully with more autotune mechanisms than 'Hot Problems' and better lyrics than 'Call Me Maybe'. We predict an astonishing comeback into the 'kill it with fire' category for Rebecca Black as she decides to torture us with an entire album and Justin Bieber will probably be assassinated in a mob of angsty teenage girls. On the deshi front, Habib will finally stop pretending he can sing without a computer and just give in to live concerts where he will sway his head to the electronic beats blaring out of the speakers. Tishma will make a dramatic come-back after a year of quiet solitude, responding to Joya Ahsan's “Jongoler Daak”. Expect lots of hip-jerking movements and a possible over-growth of nails.

Rainbows and Unicorns… and even fatter Americans?
World politics has never been more fun. The bar had been set pretty high by PSY's YouTube sensation 'Gangnam Style' but North Korea didn't disappoint by announcing the discovery of a secret unicorn lair in a cave made of seven rainbows or something to that effect. Even though this was the best news to come out of that country since Kim Jong-Un's nomination as the sexiest man alive, it was hardly surprising given their nuclear program. So for next year we predict a series of retaliations from all around the world due to this discovery. The Americans will shock everyone by pledging to lose weight so that it'd be easier to jump off their much-hyped about upcoming fiscal cliff. Unsurprisingly, they will give up after two days and go back to Instagramming their dinners. Putin will single-handedly try to better North Korea by taking more daring pictures of himself. Like cuddling with grizzlies or hitting on Silvio Berlusconi's girl (maybe we went a little too far with the last one).

And while Obama will have pillow fights with the Chinese government over who gets to take over the world first. Incidentally it will be Apple, a company, which ends up taking over the world first. Another zombie apocalypse right there, this time the Apple fans will be the zombies. Stock up on those Samsungs.

 

Songs coming in 2013

Stop Calling Me Already - Carly Rae Jepsen
She got one call too many from annoying 12 year olds last year.
Cinco Seis Siete – Pitbull
Finally learning to count beyond four.

Rolling In The Deep Fried Chicken - Adele.
What happens when Adele doesn't get food? She writes a song about it.
I Want Zandu Balm- One Direction (feat. Munni)
Indians taking over One Direction, too. Now we don't need to decide who's worse.
Autotune And I Know It - *insert any pop artist of your choice*.




 

home | The Daily Star Home

2012 The Daily Star