Baby Nuhash with parentsSometime after my father's first surgery this July I wrote him a letter, which I had planned to email to my aunt and uncle who were there with him in New York. I wanted them to read it out to him once he was conscious. He didn't get to read it, he never fully gained consciousness before his passing, and I feel this stark emptiness inside of me because I never got to share it with him. It's a very personal letter but I thought maybe, just maybe, I could fill that void a little if I shared it with another soul.
Baba
I hope you're feeling well. I haven't been feeling great myself. I caught typhoid and the sickness made my stomach extremely sensitive. For an entire week I ate nothing but a disgustingly unappetising form of rice that I believe is called jau in Bangla. Bed ridden and stuck eating jau, I imagined all the delicious things I'd finally get to eat once I was better. At one point, I was really craving lobster and it reminded me of something.
Right after you and Mom got divorced, things were pretty rough for me. For one thing, I always hoped that things might get back to normal and you would move back in with us. But after the divorce I realised that door is permanently closed. In chemistry terms, I witnessed a combustion; a burn. An irreversible process.
What I was most afraid of was that you and I would get distanced and you wouldn't see me as your son anymore. A few days after the divorce, you called me up. You said you just came back from the bazaar with some gigantic lobsters and you wanted to cook them and have them with me at your place. We both knew that wouldn't be possible. You can't have a feast during the Cold War. But that wasn't the end of it. About half an hour later, the intercom started ringing. The guard told me my father was standing outside the gate holding a live lobster. I went downstairs puzzled, amused and slightly excited. You said, "Son, I really wanted to have this with you, but it just isn't possible right now. I can assure you, however, that I'll always be around. And someday, we can sit and have a good meal together again. But for now, I want you to have this." And then you handed me a live lobster. That horrendous creature, with its beady eyes and slimy long feet, to me, meant hope. Hope that no matter the circumstances, you would always try to be there for me.
I don't think I've been there for you, at least not as much as I should have been. When I did call you, you were usually not in a state to talk. And even when we did, I've been too upset to express myself well. I was never the wordsmith you were. Coming to see you was painful when you returned to Dhaka before your surgery. It was painful to be stopped at the gates to your place every time. No son should have to answer to a security guard every time he wants to see his father. But none of that is an excuse; I should have been there for you more. I want all that to change. I want to let you know that I really miss you. I want you to know it still burns me that I can't have you around as much as I'd like. This letter is my lobster to you.
Thursday, August 2, 2012 03:22 PM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
I couldn't help my tears to come out. this letter is very emotional and also worth-reading. I really feel for you. Humayun Ahmed should have read this.
Thursday, August 2, 2012 03:23 PM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
What a beautifully written letter. Keep writing Nuhash...you are a wordsmith yourself. We look forward to seeing your writings in future.
Thursday, August 2, 2012 03:28 PM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
Something has left....just pain for lifetime..... :'(
Thursday, August 2, 2012 03:28 PM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
i don think any1 can control his/her tears after reading this mail.....but still i can also say, those who gone through this same can only feel the pain hidden in every single word....
Thursday, August 2, 2012 03:55 PM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
i don't know what stops up, but still sometimes we can't express our feeling to our beloved ones...even when we're dying to. sorry for you, nuhash. god bless you.
Thursday, August 2, 2012 03:56 PM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
Nuhash . . . God bless you my child. Your father is watching every thing from the no mans land.
Thursday, August 2, 2012 02:34 PM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
Nothing to say...just crying...
Thursday, August 2, 2012 10:00 AM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
Parent's separation/divorce is always a very painful thing for the children, particularly to the young ones.
Anyway, it's all over now. I would urge Nuhash to pray for the departed soul of his father and make every effort to become the worthy son of the worthy father...
Thursday, August 2, 2012 12:44 PM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
Too touchy! To be part of literature in the era of son-father relation!
Thursday, August 2, 2012 01:17 PM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
I have a 1-year-old son. I understand every bit of your letter, Nuhash. I understand what Humayun sir must have felt like. My heart goes out to you.
Thursday, August 2, 2012 04:51 AM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
I feel sorry for you, Nuhash. But your father does not deserve love from a son. Why did he have to divorce your mom and marry Shaon?
Thursday, August 2, 2012 02:14 PM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
Tears for Nuhash... what else I have...
Thursday, August 2, 2012 08:27 AM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
A great befitting tribute to your father! Only consolation that one can give you is that you are not alone with your pain. It hurts but, can a dad really be separated from his children? No, never! You are his legacy!
Thursday, August 2, 2012 08:57 AM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
Nuhash, we are with you. May Allah bless him and grant him peace. When you feel sad just read your father's books...
Thursday, August 2, 2012 09:39 AM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
It is nothing but a strong pulsation of the heart of a son who misses his father. Heart breaking...
Thursday, August 2, 2012 09:58 AM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
A heart-rending letter. I could also see a new Humayun in the making.
Thursday, August 2, 2012 09:45 AM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
We just can try to feel the pain little brother...but after reading this letter I can't control my emotion... I'm crying!
Thursday, August 2, 2012 02:17 PM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
Nuhash, it is really heart breaking realisation and feeling about your beloved dad. We have no control about life and death. Our Almighty living within us in form of you and me. I do hope you will understand everything in coming days.
As a son of our respected sir I hope you will try to complete his dreams and aspiration and will try to give some thing better to us.
Thursday, August 2, 2012 10:38 AM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
Hi mate, I am crying and just wanted to share it with you. Wish your good luck...
Thursday, August 2, 2012 10:54 AM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
All is empty now. I am sorry that Gultekin and her children were not beside Humayun during his death.
Thursday, August 2, 2012 11:15 AM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
Divorce of parents is like a storm for every children, a nightmare what they never forget in their life. The pain becomes permanent and part of daily life.
Thursday, August 2, 2012 11:20 AM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
So touchy.....
Thursday, August 2, 2012 11:29 AM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
It's so sad and painful. I just pray may no child have to get distanced from his/her father like this. Thanks Nuhash for sharing this heart-rending letter with us.. We pray to Allah for your healthy life and bright future.
Thursday, August 2, 2012 11:43 AM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
Nuhash, we know the pain you are bearing is immense... The deep silences within have been handed out to all by time. Everyone's story has a little sorrow, everyone's share has a little sunshine!!! I'm not trying to console you, I'm not that brave, writing here because we all, the fans of your Dad, somehow connect ourselves with everyone (whoever was connected with his life) and pray to the Almighty to fill the void (you wrote about) to the possible extent! Thanks for sharing the letter.
Love for you and your family.
Thursday, August 2, 2012 11:44 AM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
Can't hold my tears...
Thursday, August 2, 2012 11:51 AM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
Allah will help Nuhash to overcome the pain...
Thursday, August 2, 2012 12:07 PM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
Nuhash, please don't be sorry for your unreleased letter... maybe your father is watching you. Hope he will be fine there....may God rest his soul in peace!
Thursday, August 2, 2012 12:15 PM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
Dear Nuhash, your lobster would never be lost or vanished. You have spoken out the eternal son who has the longing for father's love that we all cherish. Life is a box full of chocolate and Allah provides us those sweetness in his own mysterious way. I have tremendous respect towards you and your family for being so courageous, righteous and proving beyond any reasonable doubt what family is and what love is all about. Please carry on the good hope and the legacy of your father that has enthralled all of us decade after decade. Being a father of three kids and also the youngest son in the family I can feel your unparalleled love and I am deeply touched. May all of us can feel the love wherever we are. Very best always.
Thursday, August 2, 2012 12:52 PM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
To all fortunate ones with at least one of your parents alive, never stop talking to the best gift you have in your life. Never be shy to express you emotion.
Thursday, August 2, 2012 12:56 PM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
Now it's just too late....
Thursday, August 2, 2012 01:08 PM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
I just noticed that I had tears in my eyes after reading this!! Truly, words can't express this kind of emotions!
Thursday, August 2, 2012 01:40 PM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
So sad...feeling so sorry for NUHAS after reading this...
Thursday, August 2, 2012 01:42 PM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
Husband-wife can be separated but parents shouldn't be, as it's a single word to the child...
Thursday, August 2, 2012 03:39 PM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
In our society we have witnessed how a divorce devastate a family, especially the children.. neither they could get mother's love totally nor father's...
People should make a lovable and trustworthy bonding in their conjugal life... they should think twice before getting married as well as divorce...
Thursday, August 2, 2012 02:23 PM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
There is no medicine in the world that can remove this pain and words have no capacity to get written about this pain.....
Thursday, August 2, 2012 02:29 PM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
Nuhash, although you said that you aren't a wordsmith like your father, I think you have well enough inherited his genes. That's why you could beautifully sketched your spontaneous feelings. I hope he receives your lobster from heaven.
Thursday, August 2, 2012 02:58 PM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
Dear Nuhash
It's heart-wrecking to get to know your inner thoughts. Hope things were easier for you. The love and sense of despair for not being there that came out through your letter speaks a lot about the son you were to your father. I am sure even if it didn't reach him, he was well aware the feelings you carry for him. From an outsiders standpoint, we want you to know that we care deeply about your loss and pray to Almighty for his peace....
Thursday, August 2, 2012 03:00 PM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
Very touchy letter from a son to his father. Its really touchy to me also. Parents divorce case always pathetic for children. Anyway, reality always cruel to us. We cannot avoid it. Heartful love to Humayun proves that he was really a gentleman but obviously he did a mistake. We all should forget that and should pray for the departed soul. Nuhash, we wish you also be a great one like your father. All the best wishes to you and your family members.
Thursday, August 2, 2012 03:06 PM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
My heart is weeping...
Thursday, August 2, 2012 03:50 PM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
I wish this pain can be understood by every parent in this world who are planning to get separated.
Thursday, August 2, 2012 03:44 PM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
Nuhash, you are a worthy son of a worthy father. Clearly, he loved you (an unloving father would never show up at your door with a live lobster!) as you loved him. Remember the good things and forget the sad parts...and think of him when you have lobsters.
Thursday, August 2, 2012 03:46 PM GMT+06:00 (66 weeks ago)
I can't hold my tears..... Nuhash I just wish I could have any power to fill your emptiness...