::: Star Weekend Magazine :::

Jokes

Getting Your Way
with Things

Some facts of life . . .
*Men and women will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.
*A person is as big as the things that make him angry.
*Everything depends.
*For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
*Remember, pain is nature's way of reminding you who's in charge.
*You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try.
*If you love what you do you'll never work another day in your life.
*The best angle from which to approach any problem is the try-angle.
*Common sense is not that common.
*When all else fails, read the instructions.
*Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays, it insists on it.
*If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be discarded.
*Observation: I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
*Observation: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
*Observation: Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
*Observation: When you are over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.
*Observation: A carelessly planned project will take three times longer to complete than expected; a carefully planned project will take only twice as long.
*Budgets help you worry before you spend money, as well as afterward.

Three time robbery
An FBI agent is interviewing a bank teller after the same bandit had robbed the bank three times successively. "Did you notice anything special about the man? I mean, did he ever change his appearance?" asks the agent.
"Yes," replies the teller. "He was better dressed each time."

Fish heads
A customer at a grocery store marvelled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence. "Tell me, what makes you so smart?" "I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," replies the proprietor, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only Tk. 400 apiece," says the proprietor.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough " says the proprietor. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for Tk. 400 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for Tk. 200. You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" says the proprietor. "You're getting smarter already!"

Heaven's test
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the gates of Heaven. The gatekeeper informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. He addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." The gatekeeper let him through the gate. He turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven REALLY didn't need all the odours that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."
The gatekeeper then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."