| jokes
Deep thoughts
Love And War
| Rejected Hallmark Cards
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:...
-- What was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day!...
-- Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful as you....
-- have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love...
--After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...
-- I never believed in Hell until I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
-- that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me...
-- Like the need for therapy."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!...
-- I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Before you go,...
I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
-- You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married...
-- but not to you."
"You look great for your age...
-- Almost Lifelike!"
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me...
-- Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend...
-- So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time...
-- What do you say we call it quits?"
"I'm so miserable without you...
-- It's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
-- Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
--I'd miss you heaps and think of you often." |
Make love not war. Unless you want to do both. If so - get married.
Nickname
Three couples went to a restaurant. The women wanted to compliment the men with something that was on the table.
"Could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" said the first gal.
"Could you pass me the honey, honey?" said the second.
"Could you pass me the bacon, pig?" said the third.
Reason To Avoid A War
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day
The Last Word
A man to his friend: "At my house I always say the last word".
His friend: "What is the word?"
The man: "I am sorry. Forgive me"
Good And Great Friends
A good friend will bail you out of jail.
A great friend will be in the cell next to you saying, "Damn, that was fun!"
Glue
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Immortality
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning or rock climbing ?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars or sexually fool around?"
"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why the heck do you want to live to be 80?"
source: jokesgallery.com
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