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Dear Mita,
I got engaged a few months ago to a girl whom I had known for about a year. Prodded by us, both the families got involved and eventually came to an understanding. While we were going out, my fiancée and I got along very well, but since we got engaged I have noticed a disturbing change in her. She seems to take me for granted and wants to do everything on her own terms. She reacts quite aggressively whenever we have a disagreement. The other day we were at a shopping mall when an argument broke out over something quite trivial. She got very angry and smashed her mobile phone onto the ground. I was horribly embarrassed since everyone was looking at us. She has a scar on her arm, and when I asked about it, she laughed and said she had done it years ago with a kitchen knife after an argument with her mother. I tend to work late, and this is a constant source of friction. Although I try to make it up to her during weekends, we end up arguing bitterly over the phone almost every night. If I displease her in any way, she slams the car door very hard when I drop her at her house. This also embarrasses me in front of my driver. She threatens to break up with me every other week and I seem to spend a lot of time these days trying to calm her down after a tantrum. These emotional ups and downs are taking their toll on me. I have tried talking to her about better communication and no-fault arguing, but it just isn't working. I am very worried that this kind of behaviour may increase after marriage. What should I do?
Distressed


Dear Distressed,
Your fiancée has a serious problem with controlling her temper. Perhaps she has some problems but frankly you should not get married before they are resolved. She must be made to understand that her behaviour is not acceptable and that it is not that of a mature person about to be married. First she must accept she has a temper problem and then you both should go for some kind of counselling. As you fear, her behaviour might get worse after marriage which will put a further strain on your relationship. I advise you to treat this firmly but with sensitivity. She might be having serious psychological problems which have remained unresolved and if you love her and have decided to take her as your life partner then it is your responsibility to try and address them. On the other hand, if she is totally unwilling to seek help then you will have to start to think otherwise.

Dear Mita,
I have recently joined a private company in Dhaka. I'm a 28-year-old woman. This is my second job since I finished my studies three years ago. Somehow I get the feeling that my new colleagues don't like me very much, especially the women. I don't think they have any reason to be jealous of me, since they are all equally qualified, but I just seem to be getting slightly hostile vibes from them. I don't know what the problem is but I don't feel very comfortable around them. What should I do?
New at Work

Dear New at Work,
Every organisation has an inbuilt resistance to new people coming in. The office you have joined is no different. Sometimes it so happens that some people in the organisation are extra kind and offer help to newcomers but most often this does not happen. One has to make a place in the new environment by putting in extra effort both professionally and personally. Please don't get too disheartened by the unfriendliness around, I assure you this is temporary. Keep on doing your best and make every effort to befriend some colleagues as fast as you can. You will begin to feel comfortable sooner than you think.

Dear Mita,
I'm a 33-year-old working woman. I have been married for six years and the truth, plain and simple, is that I'm bored with my marriage. My husband is a lovely man, we are very good friends and initially there was a lot of attraction as well, but right now I just don't feel anything more than the fact that I'm dragging through every day of my marriage and of my life. It's not that I'm interested in anyone else, I just wish my marriage in particular and my life overall would be a bit more exciting. What can I do?
Life's a Drag

Dear Life is a Drag,
First of all, it is brave of you to admit that you are bored with your marriage. People go through married life, totally bored and unhappy but never have the guts to admit and do something about it. The truth is that marriage can easily become monotonous if one does not do something to make it exciting. Just living together is not a prescription for an exciting marriage. You have to do things, experiment with new ideas, try out different fun activities, go on vacations, find out what makes each other tick, etc. etc. If you are serious about making your marriage interesting then first talk to each other, confront the problem together and then seek help. There are innumerable books, therapy, counselling available. Take help while there is still time before it deteriorates into an irreconcilable situation.

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