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Cool
adda
Place:
A level chemistry lab.
Time: During the Chemistry lab class. Duh!
The adda: If you think
the chemistry lab is the most boring place in the universe you are grossly
mistaken. In fact the most intriguing addas take place in the lab. Though
lab instructors with brains the size of an Hydrogen ion each, are always
to be found lurking in the lab, showing off their incompetence to full
extent, stretching their parameters of idiosyncrasy and pouncing on
every opportunity to punish an unsuspecting student who dares to talk
while they deliver their infinitely boring lectures, you can addafy
without much effort. This is because it is safe to assume that almost
all chemistry lab instructors are brainless baboons so you can easily
have adda sessions with your mates without getting caught. The adda
may be on various topics from who is dating who, who got beaten up by
Ganjam Bhai recently, who is trying to steal Kwoul dude Akkas's girlfriend
to whether a bunch of orangutans can be more adept at running the school
than the current administration, whether Cindy Crawford looks uglier
without makeup, whether Bush can be any dumber than he already is, whether
or not Beckham is the most overrated person on Earth, whether the appalling
Galu and Balu bhais are going to win the elections, etc.
Pros: You can impress
the girl you have a crush on by achieving the impossible, that is, you
can show off your genius and dexterity by obtaining a set of perfect
titration readings using the trashy equipments the lab provides. You
can also the test the effect of pouring concentrated sodium hydroxide
(a very strong alkali) on someone's hair or set the guy who stole your
girlfriend's hair on fire using the Bunsen flame. [Do NOT try this at
home!]
Cons: Instructors with
common sense less than that of prehistoric Neanderthals with brains
rotting in 20 molar Sulphuric Acid, the nausea inducing smell of chemicals
which is a concoction of odors of burnt plastic, rotten eggs, open manholes,
old socks, my Arabic teacher (don't ask!!) etc, spilling chemicals which
leave irremovable stains on your body, becoming too engrossed in addafying
during the lab classes and therefore ending up with a big fat U in A
level Chemistry, breaking delicate apparatuses and paying a hefty fine
on the process etc.
By The Anonymous Rambler
Write to Pintu
Is life just a pile of poo? Do you
wish that someone could just take away the pain? Well, don't rely on
Pintu: without your pain, he'd have nothing to amuse him on long weekends.
If you hope to be left inconsolable and weeping, WRITE TO PINTU.
Or email pintu_rising@yahoo.com . Your mails may be edited. Stop whining.
Dear
Pintu,
Man I need serious help. I've got this problem … whenever I say or Write
the name Pintu I get sick. So whenever I read RS the sight of your name
gives me serious fever… so the point is can you puh-lease change your
name or give me any remedies. By the time it reaches you I'll probably
be in a hospital (cause I wrote your name so many times) reading the
RS.
Yours Truly,
DeViL WiTH A CaUsE
Dear
DWAC,
Possible remedies include holding your breath for about an hour, or
getting a life. Or maybe I'll just go down and change my name, because
of your "problem". Yes, I think I'll change my name to Mokles.
I think not.
Dear
Pintu,
I am a 14-year-old guy and I have some serious problems. I have this
bad habit of eating my nails and stealing cigarettes from my father's
pocket. I tried a lot to get rid of these habits but I failed. You have
got to help me Pintu bhai/uncle. I have another problem. I think girls
are losers and that's why I don't like to have a female friend. One
more problem. I don't like to read your advice. Because it sucks. When
are you going to be fired from Rising Star?
-Darkman_6
Dear
D6,
If you've been reading the column regularly, you will realize that your
biggest problem is simply being fourteen years old. Biting nails is
a remnant of the infantile stages of development, and you probably retained
that because of a deep sense of insecurity. And why should you not be
insecure? I suspect you steal cigarettes because you are utterly financially
dependent. And I suspect you smoke because it makes you think you are
cool and tough, while you tell everyone that you do it because feels
great. Biting nails a bit there, are we? You certainly must enjoy being
tough and not-a-loser as you smoke in front of the girls, who swoon
at your toughness and strength. If Brad Pitt were to swing by wearing
naught but a skimpy lungi, he probably wouldn't get as much patta as
you. Not that you care much for girls. Ha. I suspect that your lack
of female friends is hardly out of choice, and instead you find the
young ladies completely ignoring you. About your nail biting: start
being a little more honest with yourself, or at least, sit on your hands.
Forever. That way you won't be able to steal cigarettes. Oh, I also
suspect very much that this advice will help you have a better view
of my advice, but I'll save you the trouble of reading more, and allow
you to go off and burst your zits.
Dear
Pintu,
I think you are the only one who could help me!!!
I am devastated! I have lost my life in a car accident, and before dying
I was thinking about my bf...now I am a restless soul...and I am haunting
my bf...everywhere…even if I don't want to, I have to go with him to
the washroom(he messes up everything with his pee!!!), to the bedroom,
the changing room!!! I just cant help it cuz I am a haunting soul!!!
Please tell me how I can get away from my horrible boyfriend (I wish
I never was with him, I didn't know he would be so dirty back then!!)
Yours truly,
cant-stand-mah-bf
Dear
CSMB,
This letter is a perfect example of how fickle and shallow love is amongst
our young people. All that aside, your situation is certainly unpleasant.
You have to start plotting your boyfriends demise. You won't have to
haunt him if he's dead, will you? Since you're dead now, I bet you don't
have a lot of fun things to do. Get imaginative, on how he should die:
you can have a riot watching him being chased by dogs (rile up the dogs,
they can sense the dead) into an open manhole. That's just one idea,
the possibilities are endless! Ironic that he should die a stinky death…
Quiz
Do you see the bright
side of things?
A loud bang awakes
you early in the morning. You:
Empty all the expletives in your vocabulary, and get up. (1)
Let out a cry of annoyance, laze in bed and finally get up. (2)
Get up happily. An early start is always good. (3)
Zzzzzz… go away… I'm still sleeping… (4)
2. You get up and go to the bathroom. Your face looks like ET's one
minus the green. You have become an alien in your sleep. You:
Faint immediately. This is NOT happening to you. Not before tonight's
date with that gorgeous… (1)
Knew you shouldn't have lied to your boy/girlfriend. She cursed you…
you know it! (2)
Think, "Cooooool, man!" Finally, you'll stand out! And green
really suits you. (3)
Don't even look at your reflection. It's the same face… who cares? (4)
3. You get dressed and go to take a walk outside. Some people laugh
at your face, others just stare and some run away scared. You:
Feel humiliated and break down crying, "It's me, it's me!"
(1)
Think about going back and covering your green-ness with make-up. Or
wear a mask. (2)
Think, "Oh well, they'll get used to it" and enjoy the attention
meanwhile. (3)
Don't care. That's the general reaction you get from people anyway…
green face or not. (4)
4. You start feeling hungry. But you don't want to eat food, you realise
that you want to eat… people. You:
Decide to starve instead. You are not eating people. How will you go
to Heaven if you do? (1)
Go to the houses of the people you hate and eat them. Your old Physics
teacher is first on the list… (2)
Are delighted by the thought of food. Wonder which people you will have
for dessert. (3)
Don't feel any different. This is not the first time you're eating people.
(4)
5. After your meal, you realise that you know everything that there
is know. You are the smartest living creature on the planet. You:
Feel paranoid. Soon, the CIA will dissect your brain for information
on Bin Laden's whereabouts. (1)
Go to buy stocks of the companies you know will do great in the future.
(2)
Feel elated and go around the city, randomly picking people to tell
them when they'll die. (3)
Hack passwords of banks and transfer money to your account. (4)
6. Your girl/boyfriend sees you and dumps you because "You are
not the same person s/he fell in love with". You:
Cry and beg him/her to take you back. Threaten to kill yourself if s/he
doesn't. (1)
No point in wasting time grieving. You decide to find someone who'd
"love you just the way you are". (2)
Think that now you can write a hit song called, "My Lover Dumped
Me Because I'm an Alien" and become rich. (3)
Think that you were too good for him/her. Even though you are a green
alien. (4)
7. You are walking to your band practice when you meet a great-looking
girl/guy and fall in love at once. You:
Know that s/he won't love a reject like you. Don't even try wooing him/
her. (1)
Tell him/her that the green alien bit is a getup for a school play and
try to win him/her over. (2)
Give him/her your best alien grin and say Joey-style, "How you
doin'?" (3)
Don't sweat it. You're so irresistible that s/he'll must already be
crazy about you. (4)
8. At your band practice, your friends tell you that they can't take
you up on stage at the next concert because you are an alien. You:
Knew this was coming but say that it hurts anyway. (1)
Tell them you'd start your own band and it'll be better than theirs.
(2)
Say, "It's okay, man… at least I get to eat people now." (3)
Scare them saying you have alien powers and promise to bomb them at
their next concert. (4)
9. On your way home, you meet an army of aliens who hail you as their
lost alien king/queen. You:
Know it's a conspiracy. Never trust anything that's green and talks.
(1)
Ask them which planet you have to rule and if it has a castle for you.
(2)
Are ecstatic. This is so great. Life couldn't be better. (3)
Muahahaha. Finally, you're to be the Evil Ruler of the Universe. Like
you always planned to be. (4)
10. You're leaving Earth on your spaceship when suddenly you become
human again and the hungry aliens want to eat you:
Know that you're useless and tell them honestly, "I'm not that
yummy, you know." (1)
Think of an escape plan. Quick! (2)
Think that the idea of being alien dinner is an honour and your family
will be proud. (3)
Start eating the aliens before they can eat you. Offence is the best
form of defense, after all. (4)
SCORES
15 or less: You could be a case study for the psychiatrists
being this pessimistic. You think that everything in the world is anti-you.
If you ever saw on the papers that you've won the lottery, you probably
wouldn't even go to pick up your prize thinking that they goofed up
the numbers. You probably listen to really loud music and think that
nobody gets you. It's okay… it's called adolescence and you will get
over it.
16
- 26: You're realistic. You count the odds of the negative
but you don't obsess over it. At times of crisis, you keep it cool and
instead of grieving, you think of a solution to the problem. You don't
like wasting time and you think really fast. If you ever do become an
alien, I expect you to have no problems.
27
- 34: The world is all rosy in your eyes. You try to make the
best of everything. Your belief in "everything will be fine"
is in fact, quite annoying but sometimes it helps to have such confidence
around. Ever pictured yourself with a pom-pom and a baton, wearing a
skirt? Because you'd make a great cheerleader. You're a natural.
35
or more: You should wear a sign around your neck saying "Warning!"
In your head, swims the most devilish ideas. People dread you and your
indifference is quite incredible. There's no question about you seeing
the bright or the dark side, because you don't even bother to SEE. You
couldn't care less. You might end up inventing some hi-fi nuclear weapons
in your quest to destroy the world.
By
Garfield Fan |
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