Ducks, the ultimate enemy of mankind

Although embarrassed to admit, many of us are severely afraid of birds. This fear is not irrational at all, cause unlike others we are aware of their intricate plan to destroy mankind once and for all. But fortunately none of the birds pose an immediate threat to us, that is except ducks. Ducks, who are known to be the most hostile among birds, will hunt humans down just for the fun of it. But fear not, for I am here to guide you. If you want to avoid being devoured by ducks then try to follow these simple rules.

Just incase of a swarming duck attack, try not to leave your home. But make sure it is free from all types of ducks in the first place.

Never eat duck meat yourself, but encourage others to do so. Although it might bring danger to them, it will also effectively decrease the duck population.

Make friends with lots of fat, tasty-looking people. Try to hang with them all the time, but don't forget to make sure that you can run faster than all of them.

When threatened buy a duck, quickly climb a tree. Though ducks are excellent climbers, they would probably refuse to share a tree with a human.

Always carry a large weapon of massive destruction whenever walking past a river, pond or any other duck infested area.

If you are a religious man then plead to god to reconsider if it was worth creating ducks in the first place.

Never, I repeat never cover yourself in breadcrumbs or any form of stale food unless absolutely necessary.

Do not mistake ducks for geese. Geese will allow themselves to be petted and even hand-fed, on the contrary ducks will take your arm off at the first available opportunity.

Never under any circumstance accept dinner offer from a suspicious looking fellow who might be helping ducks in their grand scheme to take over the world.

Learn Judo, Karate and all other forms of martial art. Practice fighting with very short people.

Become a world renowned scientist and build a solar-powered gizmo that repels ducks by means of ultrasound.

If nothing else works then you are left with only one choice “if you can't beat them, join them”. Ducks may be vicious, but they are also known to be civilized creatures and the idea of cannibalism disgusts them. But beware, ducks might find your true identity unless your disguise is pin point accurate. So stop wasting your time and start prepearing your costume, cause when a full-fledged duck invasion begins you don't want to be on the wrong side,

By Shadman Alvi

A must have accessory on every 14+ something (although the age is falling) guy's bathroom is a gel. Somehow the natural hair endowed by God doesn't meet the chick-impresso-meter now and has to be re-enforced by all those different types of hair stuff the big corporate machines are pumping out. However we Bengalis are very uncreative, as the only style we can conjure with Gels are the normal 'spikes' at the front and nothing at the back style. Why don't people watch SET WET: very sexy ads to get all the styles? Well actually they do and some even tried. However the results were umm lets say not really encouraging. Which brings me to a good point? Which gels are it and which are not? Frankly as a non-gel user I have no idea and don't really care. However I do care about my readers and of-course my dad's money, which my brother flounders by buying those packets of goo. Lately one day out of curiosity I decided to accompany him to a shop where he buys well gel to get a low down as to what gel is good or how many different types of gel there are. Here is what happened:

Shopkeeper: So, Bhaiya what do you need?
Lil'Bro: Do you have hair gel?
Shopkeeper: Yes, we sure do. Infact we have every type you want. What do you want?
Lil'Bro: Umm…lets see

At this point the shopkeeper waived to a shelf behind him that was filled with literally billions of assorted hair creams, hair gel, hair styler, hair mousse etc and etc. Taking a closer look at them I rapidly became confused as to what they actually do.

Me: So what's with all the different types of hair stuff?
Shopkeeper: Aah you don't know??
Me: Well, no.
S: You see hair gels are the normal standard product for your hair. Then you have the hair cream that is for people who don't like hair gel and want to use something more conservative.
Me: oh ok. Is it any different?
S: It is just a little non-sticky and doesn't show up as much as gel.
Me: So it's nothing?
S: Of-course not, it keeps your hair smooth and shiny!!
Me: Yeah, of course. But what's with mousse?
S: Mousse allows you to style your hair properly in conventional styles and it dries up quickly to give your hair a wispy feel.
Me: conventional styles…umm like?
S: Back brush
Me: Back brush!!?
S: And now you have SET WET gels which…ummm well
Me: Yeah what?
S: Which simply makes your hair look wet.
Me: What? I could do that with water.
S: Yeah but water dries of. SET WET Doesn't.

At this point I remembered a friend one-day mentioning that chicks dig wet hair. I couldn't find that out for certain since being incessantly cold prone means strutting about with hair soaked with gallons of water is a sure way of suicide. However I don't really go about trying to impress chicks anyway. Anyways, at this point my brother finally narrowed his choices to three gels:
1. Normal Gel
2. Fast Acting Gel
3. Super-Strong Super-Hard Gel

He bought number three. Unfortunately my curiosity got the better off me as I tried to see later in the day whether super-strong hard gel is well really hard. Well, actually what the packaging said was true. That thing was more like super glue than a super gel! It took about a week for that thing to wash off from my hair and after that I made a vow never to even try experimenting with gel. I am happy with my god-given hair.

By Reggie

It was like any other day for Aboni, Aroni, Joyeeta and I. That was until we stopped at a fast food shop in Baily Road. A poster outside caught our attention.

“The Jockey presents
The biggest hiphop Indian night!!!
R U ready for the 26th March Disc-O-Mix???”

We all stood stony-faced. No words were needed to comment on this as we wordlessly entered the fast food shop sporting the vivid red and black poster. I never felt my blood boiling any hotter than it did right at that moment. We all demanded the manager to take down the poster. After an hour of reasoning, threatening and coaxing, we got our way. We knew this was not going to end here. That's when we four started our own little war protesting against a threat to our own existence.

Now, the ones who're reading this might think “What's a stupid disco night on Independence Day to all the other million problems we're having?” I wouldn't blame them for it's the truth. But then again, my question to them would be, when our country is dying right in front of our eyes, is there really nothing we can do? Are we that ungrateful and selfish? Are we that weak? I don't think so because 35 years ago this same country and its people stood up in an unbelievable war for prejudice and independence. And that is the same exact day as today. 26th March we stood up, we united, and we won. I know we couldn't hold on to our independence, but that was our own fault and we cannot just let our country and our existence die for that. Three million people died so that we could have independence, so that we could breathe in the air of an independent country. Can we even imagine how huge a debt that is? Yet today, at this period, every moment we're disgracing the sacrifice that was made by countless martyrs. A perfect example being the 'Indian disco night' at 26th March as we just mentioned.

Maybe we can't prevent bomb blast or the mass killings, but can't we at least try to stop the degradation of our heritage and culture? All we would have to do is try. And maybe starting from little things, one day we could even be able to solve the great problems. We're a democratic nation where we're the ones who're supposed to be at power, and I feel like it's high time we Bangladeshi's stand up and claim back what's ours the real, pure and beautiful Bangladesh.

So today would be a good day to start. Our ancestors sacrificed their lives against a threat to their existence. The same threat is rising now, only in the changed form our identity stripped by outside influences. I don't know what 'excuse' the Thunderbolts had for them, but I can see no way how they could organise an Indian music night on our independence day. When we called them, they said that “It's not illegal” and “Why do you care? Did someone in your family die in '71?” All I could ask them was “are you even Bangladeshi?”

We knew that a protest of four 15 year olds wouldn't make much of a difference, but we still tried, for we believe in our culture and in our heritage. Independence Day is a day we're supposed to be discovering our heritage and respecting it and taking new pledges, not go dance in the songs that aren't even near our culture. So we protest and we're asking you to do the same. If this fact is affecting your conscience at all, then please stand up and save our beautiful country and its culture. I want see us all to rise like we did all those years ago. For we can't just sit and stare as our country and our conscience dies a painful death. It's time to revive our conscience. A poster was all it took for Aboni, Aroni, Joyeeta and me. It's your turn now.

Lastly I would like to say that four 15 year old girls were able to stop that disco night. With the great help of Adiba, Banila, and the countless girls of our school, that disco night is cancelled now. So if we could do this, then there is no telling what difference all of us would make.

By Mayesha Tasnim Priya