The real Bengali wife
IF all of our parents decided on wives for us then imagine how difficult it would be for most men to get married. It's not as if our parents are very picky. It's just that the concept of a typical Bangladeshi bride borders on the fantastical. The requirements are so high and increase so much every year; Bill Gates must already be contemplating getting in on this business. So what is it that people look for when it comes to selecting the perfect bride?
Who Is The Fairest of us all? - This is the question mothers ask other mothers. Being fair is a key requirement. In fact it is much more important than all requirements put together. In fact it is considered so important that it should probably be given a place in our constitution. 'By the order of the state all women must be fair in order to get married.' And when we say fair, we don't mean just fair. We mean milky white without a trace off off-white and no blemishes whatsoever. If there's even a pimple or one black mark, then you know that the girl's place is somewhere next to devil's minions.
Education - Go above class 9 and you are automatically disqualified. Ok, call it exaggeration but we are talking majority right? Always, look for the majority. Never the minority. If minority mattered, there'd be a new Muslim country neighbouring us. *snicker* College degrees and all A's in A' Levels means the wife is too intelligent. GPA Gold and you know she'll want to go to work and we can't have that, no indeedy. But, hey below Grade 9 and then the girl would seem too uneducated, not that classy or sophisticated and crass in a way. So that's a Double DQ right there.
Health - Too skinny, too bad. Too fat, that's worse. Now, the bride has to be medium healthy. A little on the bulky side, that's what's the preference, Bengali movies don't lie. And it's more attractive when the bride claims to be on a diet, but between you and me, we know she is never going to lose any weight. The statement is a clincher, to seal the deal.
Cheap Chef - Every in-law wants a delicious meal. 16 varieties of fish, 3 ways of cooked beef, 4 recipes of chicken, pulse, rice, soup, vegetables, brinjals, the purple coloured thing etc etc. That's impressive right? Wrong. The meal is only impressive if it is managed under 400 tk, caviar/veal included. Impossible? Go figure. Bengali Wives make it happen.
A Happy Son - Don't go shopping too much, don't hit the parlour unless you want to make your husband happy and let the damn in-laws live with you for the rest of their lives. Be an exceptionally good mother, do all the housework, make sure the children complete their homework, take care of your father in law, watch serials with your mother in law, cook five different sorts of meals everyday, keep the house tidy, make sure your husband comes back to warm greetings and then fight crime when it's night. Never ever complain and don't go to work. Supposedly, all this is done to keep the son happy, but really? Sons, wouldn't you rather eat out and let your girl go to work so she can contribute to the family? Hell yeah. Well, why a typical Bengali wife is supposed to be a super-model cum super-human cum super-everything, beats me, but we all know it's true. Next up, The Real Bengali Husband. Ain't me.
By Osama Rahman
Beware, wedding-pairs !
AH, after all those years of bittersweet hide and seek, numerous sleepless nights tormenting the cell phone and the earth-shaking 'jhari's of the parents- it's finally THE biggest day of your lives. Congratulations! But don't loosen up in joy yet, for no matter how much you have planned through ages for a perfect wedding ceremony, there are vicious elements constantly at work to ruin that very special day of yours. Who are they, you ask? Read on.
The 'Pakna' Playboy:
The Gossip Girls:
The Disaster 'Daadi':
Yes, the world isn't fair. And it has just ruined your long-awaited day.
The 'Paaji' Kaaji:
Seriously, if you are unlucky enough to be victimized by a Kaaji of this category- you have my sympathies. I will say no more.
The 'Faajil' Friend:
Perspiration trickles down your forehead as you notice the temperature of the room slowly dropping even though your bride appears to be perfectly calm and smiling in amusement. But oh you know what terrible storm brews behind that screen of calm! I wish you good luck.
Khida lagse and more:
LADIES and gentlemen, thank you all for being with your favourite show of the month. As Eid is approaching, we are having more and more Eid-special albums coming out everyday. What a time for music lovers! Well, without further ado let's move on to the albums releasing this month. But before that let's have a commercial break. (Rooh shafza music playing)
Hello again and this time I am moving with the show. Our first album is “Khida Lagse' (I am hungry) by the prominent artist and song-producer of modern time Murad featuring Whatshisname. After his initial success from the previous album “Jongly” and some random songs Phuad has moved up the gear this time. Fascinating lyrics, wonderful music and beautiful voices all combine together to give perhaps this year's the best album. The song that has caught our attention is the 2nd one, “Mathar Upor Thutu Pore” (spit drops keep falling on my head). Dear listeners, I am playing the song now, a truly melodious one:
“Spit-drops keep fallin' on my head,
For the rock music lovers, this album has 'em all. A fascinating rock number on this album is “Pete Batha” (It Hurts), which we are playing next:
“Looking back I clearly see
And it went on.
“One Love”, the one and only romantic one.
Enjoy, and join us in our next instalment. Until then just eat it. (With due respect to MJ)
By Ero Senin
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