Cyberspace hookup

When all else fails, and love comes a-calling, it comes a-calling in the rich baritone of cyberspace. Love finds its niche in the pale blue tinted web pages of Facebook, where bitterly parted souls seek each other out to rekindle old flames.

Ye Olde Nymph says:
They're stunted in more ways than one.

The Dark One's Stunted Two says:
Hey you unblocked me.

Ye Olde Nymphe says:
Did I now? Why yes, yes I did.

The Dark One's Stunted Two says:
So, how's your special friend? Or is it some sordid affair with the next-door neighbour? You seem to have no end to suitors (rueful emoticon).

Ye Olde Nymphe says:
My neighbour and I are just friends (indignant emoticon). Hmph.

The Dark One's Stunted Two says:
Really (excited emoticon)? So... umm... you think... you could.... this is harder than I previously thought.

Ye Olde Nymphe says:
I (throat-clearing emoticon)...err...um...hehe.

The Dark One's Stunted Two says:
Could you find it in your heart to give me the number of that friend of yours (hopeful emoticon)? You know, the one that would randomly drop by on our dates?

Ye Olde Nymphe says:
EX-CUUUSE ME (scandalized emoticon)?!

The Dark One's Stunted Two says:
Hey... you seem to have no claims on her... and she is.... very... (a emoticon he wishes he didn't use now)

Ye Olde Nymphe says:
YOU *bleep* *bleep* *censor* *bleep* (face-smacking emoticon)!

The Dark One's Stunted Two says:
Alright look. Let's start over. Why do I suddenly find myself chatting with you at four a.m.? YOU AREN'T SECRETLY YOUR MOTHER RIGHT? SHE SCARES ME! RIGHT (huddled scared in a dark room emoticon)?

Ye Olde Nymphe says:
Perhaps your heart seeks true companionship (secretly amused chortles)?

The Dark One's Stunted Two says:
Look, what is this about (flustered emoticon)? You've been avoiding me like a, well (indicative emoticon, a visual aid) that, and now suddenly we're talking again. Kinda mystifying (appropriately mystified emoticon).

Ye Olde Nymphe says:
I should've known. All the mutual acquaintances in the world can't give you what I have to give. And that's...love (weepy-eyed emoticon).

The Dark One's Stunted Two says:
... heheh (visibly cringing emoticon)... heh. Um...

Ye Olde Nymphe says:
(medusa-like emoticon)
ARE YOU SHUNNING MY FEELINGS, YOU *bleep* *censor*?!

The Dark One's Stunted Two says:
What the heck happened to your language, woman? See! I knew that neighbour was a bad influence! What's that hedonistic demon been teaching you (hedonistic demon emoticon)?

Ye Olde Nymphe says:
What (shifty-eyed emoticon)? I have no idea what you're talking about (generally arousing suspicion emoticon). Besides, the neighbour and I were too busy doing other thi…(peters off)

The Dark One's Stunted Two says:
I knew it! I knew it was the neighbour! The hot friend of yours was just a cover! BTW, what has he been teaching (lecherously lascivious emoticon) you?

Ye Olde Nymphe says:
Let's just say that there are so many ways to … begin.

The Dark One's Stunted Two says:
Anyway... the other thing you said (fingering his collar emoticon)... umm... hehe... I have somewhat missed being hounded by your incessant paranoid phone calls...umm. Which I hope wasn't just your mother.

Ye Olde Nymphe says:
I've missed the hounding, too (tries not to look too hopeful emoticon). The neighbour's no challenge.

The Dark One's Stunted Two says:
I see... hmm. But listen, can you at least bring your hot friend around more often... she is... nice.

Ye Olde Nymphe says:
Sorry (sound of a car falling off a cliff), my hot friend is … unavailable.

The Dark One's Stunted Two says:
... Ah well. One can hope. As long as your neighbour stays away from her... Listen, you want... to like I dunno, play poker on Facebook like we used to?

Ye Olde Nymphe says:
Why (happiness clinging like a halo emoticon)…that would be (feet shuffling emoticon) … lovely.

The Dark One's Stunted Two says:
Cool... Wait my phone's ringing.... HOLY GOD I THINK IT'S YOU MOM!

[The Dark One's Stunted Two appears to be offline]

By Tareq Adnan and Shehtaz Huq

The most ridiculously practical gadgets ever

Technology has always been man's most valuable ally; except for Arnold Schwarzenegger, who is certainly not our idea of a killer droid. Still, technology has solved a lot of problems, given us access to much restricted items, gave us a chance to kill valuable time and contributed to increases in obesity rates and geeks. However, there are a lot of problems that need solving, and gadgets that could help us in some of those problems are given below:

Cycle-o-Bus:
Global warming is taking its tolls. The world leaders are divided into opinions. Demand for carbon cuts in the developing countries is being sneered at by them. The Copenhagen summit has proved to be an epic failure because of the absence of us two great inventors. We hereby propose our very first creation: Cycle-o-Bus. It is like any other buses, but it is not at the same time. We will have caterpillars in place of the wheels (caterpillars as in the tanks). And you remember the wheel like things in them? Those will be replaced by the wheels of cycles fitted with each seat inside the bus. Every passenger has to paddle. The driver will only direct the structure. No carbon emission, no fuel cost, no tension.

The Tumbler:
It is not copy-righted so we decided to use it as the name for our next excellent project. It will basically tumble the vehicles moving in the wrong lane. To protect the outer body we will use a sort of metal which reacts with the carbon dioxide in air (you don't need to know the name, its trade secret) so it will be fairly environment friendly. To make sure that it does not add up to the problem of traffic jam in the city, we made it pretty thin, but durable. It will run on two wheels and it will move like a berserker. Knowing the car owners in the city, they would want to avoid contact with the tumbler. As for accidents and compensations, we leave them up to the very able (!) city corporation of ours.

Lie-detector:
It's quite a common application, in various places. But we decided to install them in cell phones, since most lies are said using them. If you suddenly burst out “I am in Antarctica” while on the bus near Gulistan or “Ero Senin and the Don Khan owe me money” (we are serious, many such unfounded accusations), a mechanical right hand will come out and it will slap you with its back (daan-haater oolta chotkana). The frequency modulator can detect the smallest change in the brain waves and respond to the situation likewise. It is expected to be widely popular; of course otherwise we would not have thought of it.

The Taser slash Music Player:
The city is no safe place for people to walk late nights. But, sometimes, we have to, and it's best to remain alert and undertake necessary precautions. Since it's hideously expensive to get a gun these days, and knives might slash through your bag, a Taser sounds like a pretty good solution. Why not make it more attractive? When you're not busy electrifying the guts out of someone, the Taser doubles up as a MP3 Music Player, complete with earphones and a minimum of 1 GB on-board storage. Just don't connect the earphones into the recharging port…

Credit CrunchCard:
You may be a shopaholic; in fact, you cannot help yourself every time you enter a mall, and have this strange love towards the swiping of credit cards. Thankfully, you realize your vice and wish to amend. Enter the Credit CrunchCard. After confirming purchases, the card's embedded camera takes, recognizes what it is, and screams out loud, “You are NOT going to buy that hideous rag, are you?” or “I'm telling Mom about your literary tastes”. Very practical.

iBreath:
This one is intended towards all those music-loving law enforcers out there. The iBreath is the ultimate marriage between a breathalyser, and an iPod. You get to stream your favourite music, and any idiot found driving drunk can be confirmed. It's also an incentive not to take bribes in money but rather the offenders' pay for your music downloads from iTunes.
Feasible, right?

By The Don Khan and Ero Senin

Joga khi-khi-khi-churi

YO, this is Dr Ero, bringing you the newest review of an album, which will keep your heads ringing surely, yeah. With Christmas and New Year holidays, we are getting newer and newer albums coming out. This time we will go over the much hyped remix album from none other than Bakalam: 'Joga Khi-Khi-Khi-churi'. As the title suggest the album has lots of groovy music and that distinct metallic sound so normal in our everyday venture to destroy the poor discs. I would have liked to start off again with an advert, but unfortunately none agreed to sponsor this show. Without further ado let's just listen to the first song “Year of 09', my personal favourite:

We got up one hour early
Boy it was very hard stuff
Swine flu started spreading
it was the year of 09.

Me and some guys from school
Had a cold and we sneezed real hard
School was closed and people got worried
I shulda known flu'd never get far

Oh when I look back now
Jackson din't live forever
And if he had the choice
Ya - he'd've skipped the pain killers
Army officers dying
The whole nation was just crying
Those were the worst days of my life

(Chorus) Back in Year of '09
and now the times are changin'
Look at Dido come and gone
Good year for cricket too
I think about the world cup that'll come

Standin' on Hagen's porch
they told us the climate would get better
Oh the way they slithered past
I knew that it was really unfair
Those were the worst days of the year.

(Chorus) Back in the year of '09

A New Year celebration is incomplete without resolutions. We make promises every now and then but things reach their peak during this time of the year. Typical teenage resolutions revolve around rounding up some remarkable remarks in the report cards for the exams. In the next song, Bakalam tried to bring that feeling in rhymes. This one is for you:

“I wanted you to know I love the grade you hold
I wanna get that too and steal my pain away
I'll keep a schedule ; I know it serves me well
I wanna keep that up and get the best grades.
'Cause I'm brooooken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am ~~~~~~”

Phew that was intense. I almost felt like I was in front of the school gate again (oh, the horror!). Anyway, enough with this study-study atmosphere, let's hear another song about dieting. Hey, who is making that entire ruckus? What? People are storming the studio with sandals? No way, I prefer shoes. *ching**clang**dhopash**various sound effects*

Due to technical difficulties our broadcast is put on hold for the time being. Please wait a minute. We are sorry for the inconvenience.

By Ero Senin