Home   |  Issues  |  The Daily Star Home | Thursday, August 19, 2010

are beautiful

By Dr Who

There are timeframes in life when you come up with freaking awesome and utterly useless questions and promptly forget them within the hour. One of them is revision time. Another is the mind-numbing hour before Iftar. This time around, yours truly was determined to cling on to one of them like a leech on exposed salt-free skin. The question that landed was: what's the deal with women and makeup? After a little thought, this reporter accidentally stumbled on a universal truth that has been hushed up since the dawn of time. Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, readers of RS, we humbly present, the Hypothesis.

Hypothesis: Men are generally better looking than women.

And we can prove it to you, through extensive research and the questioning of absolutely nobody. First, let us discuss the research methodology. Our research is comprised of archival data, including religious and historical texts, racial memories and our own, rather awesome, power of deduction.

First up, we look at The Origin of the Species:

Animal Planet
Examples of the fact that the male specimens of animal are more attractive than the female ones are rampant throughout the planet. Lions have their majestic manes, lionesses don't. Peacocks have their colourful and much acclaimed tails, peahens, well, not so much. The males of the fowl family boast of proud and magnificent plumage, while the females merely look haggard. By fowls we mean of course, the pheasants, chickens and wild ducks that are actually common domestic ducks in our country, proving that we Bangladeshis can house train practically anything except politicians. In terms of other well respected mammals, the wise Bull Elephants have longer [hence more expensive] tusks than the females and Gorillas, a close relative to Humans, have males sporting a distinguished, sophisticated older-guy look with streaks of silver on their backs.

What does all this point at, we wondered. What we came up with is this:
1. Males are naturally more handsome than females.

2. The females are insecure regarding their looks, which has passed on via the wonderful channel of genetics throughout evolution, turning them into cold, calculating creatures.

3. Human females are smart, thus they paint their faces in order to warm their features, little knowing that the 40 different shades of eye shadow isn't really helping. There may be another cause for this, which shall be discussed further on.

4. We also assume these inferiority complexes lead certain animals like the Black Widow to eat its mate after a nice date. Women just can't take playing second fiddle.

Religion and the History of Man
Did Samson really spill the secret of his strength or did Delilah shave of his long flowing locks out of sheer jealousy while he slept on her lap, oblivious to her motives like all the rest of us stupid idiots. We believe it is the latter. Who throws around important stuff like that? Men are stupid, but not that stupid. Delilah later claimed that she'd apparently, “wormed it out of Samson,” probably in an effort to make herself look competent and worthy of the bribe she got from Samson's enemies. Excuse us if we don't trust the words of a traitor.

Samson's rock star hairdo would of course live on and later be adopted by one Jesus Christ, years in the future.

Then there is the story of Cleopatra, Queen of Egypt, seducing Julius Caesar. But was it really her good looks or the awesome Persian rug that she had wrapped herself in? Julius Caesar was a hotshot Roman General at the time, with an army behind him. He should have been beating away the chicks with the hilt of his gladius, even while on campaign. But a decent rug is hard to come by while you are tromping down the countryside. Smart, Cleo, very smart.

Speaking of war and battles, it is said that behind every successful man, there is a woman. If that is right, then it's also true for all the successful generals in history. That just proves that men don't have the brains to pull off a pitched battle against their adversaries. It is a ploy by women to rid the world of strapping young men who make them feel inadequate.

Yes, we blame Geli Raubal for giving us Hitler. Laura Bush gave us dear old Georgie. Sarah Palin gave the world herself. We're also pretty sure people like them made the men wear those stupid wigs in the time of Pirates of the Caribbean.

Conclusion: The Modern World
Consider, in today's world, a man need only have clean clothes, clean nails, a decent haircut and a shower to appear on top of their game. A woman needs waxes, plucking, makeup, expensive dresses, silicone implants, and jewellery and a whole host of other things even to compete. In a desperate attempt to hold their own they've introduced the Metrosexuals so that they can say, “you guys do it, too.”

Men gave women James Blunt so that they wouldn't make that sad face anymore. Women gave us Edward Cullen, so we'd puke ourselves to death. Still don't think women have issues? Ask any girl why they put on makeup. Whether the answer is, “for the guys”, “to look good” or “for myself”, the logical conclusion remains the same.



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