STOP TELLING US WHAT TO EAT!!!

Are we highly displeased with humanity in general? Yes we are, and the reasons are way too many for us to list. For the time being, let's just stick to one of these reasons - like those “dieting” columns that infest almost all the magazines and supplement. Those thingummajiggies are by far one of the vilest creations of mankind. And we have few questions we would like to ask them.

Are your taste buds dysfunctional?
Because no person with a functional taste bud would be so enthusiastic about having no sugar or salt in their food. We do not want to spend the rest of our lives munching on steamed korolla. Perhaps your cook was a lousy one… or maybe you have no bile duct… is that why you are trying to brainwash us into not eating any fats at all? Or maybe you got kicked out of culinary school and now you are taking revenge on your former class mates.

Are half your brain cells dead? Is it the functioning half?
Dude, you don't want everyone to have the perfect physique: thin people are not thin if there are no fat people to point it out. So stop wasting words trying to convince everyone into convincing everyone else to start “dieting”. And by the way, you seem to have muddled up “dieting” with “starving”. One dieting technique doesn't suit everyone, but one starving technique is as good as another. Go study food and nutrition or something. Don't worry, we'll be fine till then. There are EXPERTS to help us when you aren't around. Yes, we noticed that you aren't one. We also found the sites where you copy-paste from.

Are you trying to make my bestie anaemic? Or worse?
Because she looks all pale and papery and zombie-like after she became an avid follower of your column. She eats nothing and exercises all day, and then wonders why she feels so hungry. She almost got run over by her treadmill the other day. We never realised that such freakish things could happen. You've also started giving step-by-step instructions for yoga, apparently. You better come and free her the next time she gets tied into a knot.

Is this all an elaborate experiment?
But we don't remember anyone taking our consent… maybe you are an alien scientist experimenting on humans, so that you can find out all our weaknesses and then take over our planet. Just because we are displeased with humanity doesn't mean that we're handing over earth to you aliens. WE KNOW. Yes, we know that aliens have invaded the earth, so don't bother trying to prove us loco. You are trying to push us into a “who is more skinny competition”, so that we keep getting thinner and thinner till we disappear into nothingness. Yeah, some of your alien buddies have defected to our side. HAH.

By Sarwat Yunus

The Week in Re(ar)view

The past week has been more active than Charlie Sheen's lawyer trying to fend off drunkenness/solicitation related cases. It's been an eclectic mix of the good, bad and strange. 7 pirates in Barisal had their eyes gouged out because people had had enough. But mainly because the people managed to catch them. Once caught, our people don't stop till eyes, limbs or even the soul has departed. It's a cultural thing.

Good news comes from south Keraniganj where Department of Environment on July 6 fined six brick kilns for darkening our country's image. And skies. Tk 18 lakh is chump change for the damage they do but it's a start.

There's gas?
On the other hand, industries are getting the gas usage restriction lifted after two years of, er, restriction. This is amidst the huge debate going around that we don't have as much gas as we thought, other than in the parliament which is incidentally always full of gas. An inside source at TITAS said only 40 industrial units will be given connections against several hundred applications for the service. Nepotism anyone?

PM's warning
The Prime Minister Sheikh Hasina took a stance against bad publicity by telling her boys to be good. That's like telling mosquitoes to be good. They just buzz off and get back for a bite. Speaking of mosquitoes, 2010-2011 fiscal budget allocates Tk 17 crore, up from Tk 1 crore for mosquito control programmes. Which is interesting because we are equally plagued by mosquitoes and cadres who use ruling party clout to back up their unlawful activities.

The PM directed them (students, not the mosquitoes) to study first, politics later. Those who go for machoness based on party affiliation will face stern actions. We look forward to that action instead of the killing, murderous kind.

Live free or die hard
Speaking of murderous, those who love dogs, avoid the following news. It involves death and mayhem. And murder. You've been warned. Dhaka City Corporation (DCC) has culled (which sounds just like 'killed') 17 stray dogs in the city's Gulistan area after 27 people were bitten in different parts of the city on July 8. Maybe the dogs learned from their human superiors (?) that violence is the way to go. After all, we celebrated a long series of hartals with plenty of bricks aimed at murder. Or maybe the humans can learn that endless pointless hartals only cull (or kill) the people's faith in political parties.

Short on hunger
Speaking of violence, BNP Chairperson Khaleda Zia led the party's six-hour hunger strike on July 13 protesting scrapping of the caretaker government system and the police attack on Opposition Chief Whip Zainul Abdin Farroque. Non violent protests are all good but someone from the back of the editing room mentioned that more than six hours is usually required after a heavy meal to get hungry again. Maybe at this age, it's always best to play it safe. With that, Re(ar)view team is off for lunch. It's been 6 hours since we last ate.

By Mood Dude & Dingdong