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Mad TeleVinky, Bad TeleVinky, Cable Operators are Stinky

A couple of years back, television provided the exact respite needed from the boredom and monotony of daily life. Television was the escape route to take when one had nothing to do but that stupid math homework, which could obviously wait. Sadly, such times have passed. Nowadays television is the worst thing that a person can turn to. Don't get us wrong here. This isn't some rant against the ill-effects of television. Rather this is an informed discussion on the stupidity of cable operators. Yes, we all know who those people are.

After conducting an extensive survey, containing one respondent, it was discovered that statistically speaking, one in every Bangladeshi hated his cable operator. Statistics never lie. So, that got us thinking. What is it that the cable operators of this country are doing wrong? Well, there are just too many things and because lack of TV gives us plenty of free time, we are going to list all of those reasons. Today, right here, everyone who reads the paper, once again because television sucks, will be left a little more enlightened. Or not.

Language: The content of television is a discussion for later. Let's talk about the language being used. It isn't a matter of the verbal abuse or anything but rather the worst kind of dubbing ever. What makes cable operators think that we like to have Bangla versions of our favourite TV shows? We honestly don't. Dubbing ruins the show, specially when it's just one narrator, dubbing for men, women and even snakes. I swear, this one time on Discovery, Jeff Corwin was handling a venomous snake and they even dubbed the snake's hissing. Some guy was saying 'Hiss', 'Hiss' and it was extremely annoying and very stupid. The explanation for this idiotic behaviour is that most of the demographic in our country prefer Bangla versions of all the shows because it is easier to understand. Then what about when the shows are dubbed in Tamil? Which demographic is that catering to, exactly? Do we have a secret group containing numerous Tamils in Bangladesh? Certainly not. Then what's happening here? Cable operators are acting stupid, that's what. And what the hell is 'TNA Ka Sikandar'? What does that even mean? Who is that man hosting the show? Because he may talk and act like Salman Khan, but he surely isn't.

Channel Selection: The choice of channels is also very confusing. They never have the good channels. It's a bother when you are stuck watching a Mahindra United game on the same day that Chelsea are playing Manchester United, because your cable operator thought Mahindra United were better. Cable operators don't understand the business of TV viewing and if you don't know your business, then chances are, you are an idiot. There are also some Russian and French channels tossed in just to fill the quota of 50 channels or so that need to be provided. Of course, no one really gives you 50 channels, rather one channel is given a few times. That is also rather annoying. And no, Zee Smile doesn't placate our anger whatsoever. It isn't even funny.

Good channels like Nickelodeon are warped beyond recognition. There is this constant need to prop up really bad Indian made shows just to promote them. But there is one show in Disney, made in India, about this 'cool' guy who is the 'coolest dooood in school', and it's pretty lame. This may not be the cable operators fault, but they did give us the Indian version of Disney instead of the actual version, which they could have. The shows that are good are obviously dubbed in Hindi, which makes for really bad television.

Frozen Image, Sound Displacement and Stuff: Also, one fine day, your favourite channel becomes frozen. Just like that, no explanations provided. Or, the sound quality becomes really bad, with the general plot moving forward, but the voices coming late. Meaning, you cannot watch it any longer. This can easily be rectified, but you can never reach your cable operator. Also, one out of three channels will have, what we call in Bangla 'Jhir jhir'. And this jhir jhir is really annoying and watching it gives some people the pins and needles, which augments the anger and frustration. Load-shedding becomes a bigger problem when your cable operator's electricity services are snapped, the minute yours come back. You would think, they would provide a back-up or something, but they just won't.

We need to stop now, because cable operators have just too many problems. Even writing at length about it makes us want to break that television set immediately. Yes, for 200-300 takas a month, we should be grateful we are getting things in colour, but we just are not. We know they can do better. And Tata Sky is just too expensive and most people believe it doesn't work in Bangladesh. There needs to be a petition asking cable operators to start providing better service. And the monopoly they enjoy based on locality should be broken. Only then can we expect something better. Until then, we vent. We vent like there's no tomorrow.

By Osama Rahman

The week in re(ar)view

Our political parties (leading and opposition) treat the interest of the people like a ping pong ball in a game played by monkeys coked up on carbonated coke. The opposition always favour the people till they come to power. For now, BNP is all set to campaign for the right of the people. Case in point, BNP is all for the caretaker government system. So AL has decided to launch a counter campaign to gain public opinion in favour of scrapping it. What worries us is that their definition of campaign is very different from the one in dictionaries. We've seen that the tools of the 'campaigns' usually include bricks and fire. It would have been a good barbeque if someone added a cow in the midst. Some say cows are already there in the guise of humans. We say, stay indoors. Eat chicken.

I see you

The wrong way to walk right
Walking on the Baridhara DOHS Park the wrong way could cost you dearly. You can only go clockwise. Otherwise the planet would stop rotating and Decepticons will rule the world.

Security guards and retired army officers beat up four A-level students, tied them up, and confined them to a room for six hours last Thursday for going clockwise. Two of the accused were Brig Gen (retd) Zakir Hossain and Lt Col (retd) Azizul Ashraf. A negotiation meeting of the DOHS parishad decided to sack one Abdus Salam and withdraw Azizul Ashraf from Baridhara DOHS Parishad. The guardians present at the meeting expressed dissatisfaction as no action was taken against Zakir Hossain. Lesson learned? Never think outside the box. Go with the flow.

The Election commission (EC) is going to set up closed-circuit television (CCTV) cameras at 25 vulnerable voting centres during the upcoming city corporation polls in Narayanganj. We wonder if this will lead to a reality show called 'Survivor, Politics Edition - How to rig a vote'. If we can't stop the corruption, at least we make some money off it. We suggest CCTVs everywhere. Flyovers, parks, police stations, fast food shop, everywhere. Maybe except for in dressing rooms.

Make your own law

Lawmakers literally take their title to heart. They make their law like John Wayne in all his cowboy movies. Two private power companies are filling up a government owned water body and private land by the Buriganga river forcing the local people to sell their land to the companies-- all in the name of setting up two power plants and an amusement park. Sources say Awami League lawmaker from Dhaka-4 constituency Mohammad Aslamul Haque is chairman of the two companies.GM of the company said they require 45 acres of land in the area to set up two power plants and an amusement park. The lawmaker when contacted said, 'It is not true that we shall set up an amusement park' among other contradictions. Someone's definitely getting fired.

Tale of a torchbearer

Now for some silver lining. Rafiqul Bari became blind when wrongfully treated by a quack when he was young. So he knows what it's like to be disadvantaged. In 2003 at Ghatail in Tangail, he set up Welfare Centre for Challenged that offers general education up to class-III. The “school” has now 120 students aged between five and 16, 45 of whom are mentally challenged. A blind man sees more than all our politicians with their eyes wide open.

By Mood Dude

Upcoming Events

Enlighten U-18 Soccer Championship
Enlighten U-18 Soccer Championship is an annually organised football tournament for players under the age of 18. The entry fee for teams wanting to register is Tk.2000
Location: SWAT football field (Road # 11, Banani, Dhaka 1213, Bangladesh)
Time: 04 November at 09:00 - 05 November at 17:00

[Season-1, Episode-1]

HIGH VOLTAGE SEASON is a live concert project where the upcoming bands will perform. This season will end in June with a "Mega Festival".
Tickets cost Tk.200 and can be purchased from the Screaming Jamming Zone in Gulshan-1 and from the venue on the event day. Students who show their ID will get a discount of Tk.50.
Location: Russian Cultural Centre, House - 510, Road - 07, Dhanmondi R/A.
Time: 21 October · 14:00 - 20:00

A metal concert performed by local bands.
Ticket prices haven't been announced yet, if any questions call 01916267333 (Tuhin)
Location: Cultural Centre, House - 510, Road - 07, Dhanmondi R/A.
Time 18 November · 14:00 - 22:00

Retribution Presents Rockstars Day
A lineup of local bands
Ticket price: Tk.190
Location: Cuppa Coffee Gulshan-2, Road-46, House-11, Dhaka.
Time: 21 October · 14:00 - 21:00



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