Movie Review

Lights! Camera! Action! My Reaction!

Hasib Reza

WITH Khoj-The Search creating great hype all over the country, I am not one left any less enthralled by the eminence of our country's film makers. In fact, my inspiration has transcended to such heights that it is only fair that I make a movie of my own. Alas! I do not have the financial support for such an endeavor, and any producer in their right mind would deem me more appropriate to be chucked out of a thirteen-story window and laugh insidiously while I plummet to my death rather than produce my movie. I guess I cannot blame them; I have no experience, no connections, so script, and no future. But if I have learnt anything from the movies I adore, it is that anything is possible if one is confident, diligent and wears dark shades. I have already acquired the dark shades from New Market (the rest I'll pick up along the way), and thus with a smile on my face and a (item) song in my heart, I hope to one day make a movie that would surpass all expectations to conquer the film industries of the world!

The very backbone of a good movie lies in the plot. Fortunately, I have discovered some key elements that would make mine the very best plot in the world (if not for some stupid reason the universe). One of the most vital elements to a good plot lies in providing proper emotional scenes. In most movies the best examples of such scenes could be spotted in the “mom kicking son out of the house” “wife dying” and the evergreen “girlfriend being married to the villain” scenes. So after tons of tedious research (slouching in the sofa and chomping potato crisp) the answer was finally before me. Why not combine them all? So ladies and gentlemen, behold! (Copyright protected, registered, trademark…etc). In my most-emotional-scene-ever-in-the-history-of-movies, the protagonist's mother would kick his only son out of the house, because he had not been capable of seizing his girlfriend from the clutches of the villain who is to marry her. Meanwhile, the hero's lack of success in capturing the girl would hurt his wife so badly that she would be (you guessed it) dying!!! Sniff Sniff!!...I am in tears!

Of course a proper plot would also require some proper comedy elements. While most movies have one character directed for that task, I find it absolutely indispensable to have no less than three. After all, laughter is the best medicine and its healing powers must be used to best effect. Therefore, in the emotional scene where the hero is kicked out of the house he will be suddenly blessed with presence of three comedians who will try to ease his pain with various “dumb blonde” and “knock-knock” jokes. Of course the three funniest people in the world Johnny Lever, my neighbor Nadim and John Cena, can only play these most precious roles. However, it is important to understand that on-screen one can only see the first two, as John Cena will remain invisible by choice. This is due to the obvious reason, which is that “you can't see him”.

If the shoes make the man, then the actors make the movie (it sounds a lot cooler in my head). The hero or protagonist of the story must be good-looking…and he must also be…umm….no I guess that's about it. Oh wait! A barely passable sense of hygiene wouldn't hurt either. But wait again, because now that the faces of some popular Bangla cinema heroes are floating inside my head I take back what I said about being good looking. For the movie to cater to an international audience, I would like to make sure that he may speak lines “Hello Dharling” and “merry me dharling” in some dull semblance of what may be the English language.

Alongside the hero should also be deft at attacking the villain.

Choosing proper actresses are something I really stress on. While the selection process involves fulfillment of several criterion that I do not wish to divulge, I have narrowed down the search to Katrina Kaif, and Kareena Kapoor with Angelina Jolie to play the role of the mother. During my potato crisp munching research I had also noticed that the audience (in this case, me) seem to be very favorable towards elaborate song and dance routines that are more directed towards the visuals of the skin. In my movie, all the songs will follow this notion while performing the trendiest dance moves - such as “the chicken” and “the robot”.

Any modern movie director must have ample knowledge on the magic of special effects. And, needless to say, I am one truly enlightened in such arts. So far my craft includes putting moustaches on people's faces on Microsoft Paint, and turning photographs into black and white. Yet, a project as audacious as mine deserves something superior; therefore for this movie I shall download a freeware editing software which shall be operated by the one and only this guy I met once!

I love action movies, so everyone in the world must love it too. My movie is embellished with breath-taking action sequences such as cars jumping over fire, people jumping over buildings, cow jumping over moon and fat lady jumping over puddle to name a few. Despite what many Hollywood directors suggest I am not paying so much money for a stuntman. They are way too expensive, and you don't even get to show their faces on screen (talk about money down the drain). Real live monkeys will thus conduct all the stunts in my movie. The idea had hit me the last time I visited the zoo, these primates are much more agile and nimble than human beings - and can be trained to perform the most difficult stunts. Besides they are expendable (did I say that out loud?) and they literally work for peanuts.

Last but not least, a movie requires a special appearance from someone special to help it become an absolute success. While actors like Johnny Depp or Shahrukh Khan would be the obvious choice to create hype, my personal choice is much more far-fetched. Therefore, the only person suitable for a cameo role in my movie is definitely none but... And, that reminds me I still haven't finished dreaming up his dance sequence at the beach. Besides, I have to put shutters on my windows for all the nosy paparazzi who would soon be disturbing me.

(The writer is a student of the Department of Media & Communication, IUB)