Healthy Wealthy and Wise . . .

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor..."

A Tigers fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed stadium, until he noticed an empty seat down in the front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was.

The guy said, "Yes, that's my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since Akram Khan played, but now my wife is dead."

The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad that he couldn't find some relative to enjoy the game with.

"Oh, no, I can." the guy replied. "It's just that they're all at the funeral."

Little Poltu was on a park bench stuffing a bunch of candy in his mouth. An old lady came over and said. "Son, don't you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?"

"My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied poltu.
"Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?" the old lady retorted.

"No," said Poltu, "but he minded his own freakin' business."

A guy was going on an ocean cruise, and he told his doctor that he was worried about getting seasick.
The doctor suggested, ''Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.''
The guy replied, ''Would that keep me from getting sick, Doc?''
The doctor says, ''No, but it'll look real pretty in the water.''

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"
"Well, Honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the crow brought you to us."
"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
"Oh, the crow brought us too."
"Well, how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.
"Well, Darling, the crow brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:
"This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

Khaled and Khushi were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Khushi, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"
"Oh Khaled, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Khushi, I really want to know. Please."
"Well, all right. Yes, three times."
"Three? When were they?"
"Well, Khaled, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Khushi, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"
"Well, two, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. Harres came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Khushi, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number Shamim?"
"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short . . . ?"

Source: jokes.com