Jokes

Words to live By

Lines to live by: A-F

*99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
*A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
*A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
*A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
*A closed mouth gathers no foot.
*A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
*A day without sunshine is like, night.
*A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
*A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
*All generalisations are false, including this one.
*Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
*Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
*Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
*Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
*Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
*Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
*Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
*Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
*Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
*Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
*Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
*Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
*Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
*Death is hereditary.
*Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
*Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
*Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
*Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
*Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
*Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
*Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
*Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
*Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
*Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
*Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
*For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
*Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.

A site foreman had 10 very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up?"
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.
"Too much trouble," came the reply.
www.jokepier.com

Every philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room; Marxist philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, but the cat isn't there; Soviet philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, the cat isn't there, but you keep shouting "I've found it! I've found it!"
www.jokepier.com

TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
FATHER: What's that? TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.
www.jokepier.com

Copyright (R) thedailystar.net 2004