::: Star Weekend Magazine :::

Jokes

Getting old

You know you're old when . . .

1. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
2. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
3. You feel like the morning after but you haven't been anywhere.
4. Your children begin to look middle-aged.
5. You've finally reached the top of the ladder, only to find that it's leaning against the wrong wall.
6. Your mind makes contracts that your body can't keep.
7. You look forward to a dull evening.
8. Your favourite part of the newspaper is Twenty Years Ago Today.
9. You turn out the light for economic reasons.
10. You sit in the rocking chair and you can't get it going.
11. Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
12. You regret all those mistakes you made resisting temptation.
13. You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 96 around the golf course.
14. Your pacemaker makes the garage door open when you see a pretty girl.
15. The little old grey-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
16. You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
17. You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.
18. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
19. Your broad mind and your narrow waist have exchanged places.
20. You know you're a grown-up because you groan every time you get up!

The Perks of being over Fifty

1) Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2) In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3) No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4) People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5) People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6) There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
7) Things you buy now won't wear out.
8) You can live without a lot of things but not without glasses.
9) You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
10) You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
11) You have a party and the neighbours don't even realise it.
12) You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13) You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
14) You sing along with the elevator music.
15) Your eyes won't get much worse.
16) Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off, and that bundle you've spent on life insurance is starting to look smart, too.
17) Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the guys with the Live Doppler 10,000.
18) Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
19) Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
20) A 30-year mortgage sounds like a pretty clever scam.

Source: Bodo.com