::: Star Weekend Magazine :::

View from the Bottom

The spooky cell phones

Shahnoor Wahid

There is something spooky about cell phones. Well, have you ever noticed that when you are engrossed in something very important the phone begins to scream like mad? For example, when you are sitting on your favourite seat in the toilet or when you have soap on your face and under the armpits? No matter how much you may curse the thing it will keep screaming to wake the whole house up. In that precarious position you are totally helpless, like a child, and then your mom starts to scream from the other room since she cannot sleep with the damn thing ringing so loudly. By the time you are decent enough to go back to your bedside table, the phone has stopped ringing.

And then you are in front of your boss answering some difficult questions. Your cell phone begins to ring. Your boss is a perfect gentleman. He tells you to answer and finish talking. The speaker in your set is too loud and you boss can hear everything your friend is saying at the other end. All he hears are some four-letter-words as your friend greets you and then your friend calls your boss something-er baccha for not allowing you a seven-day leave to go to the Sundarbans! You can see the face of your boss turning red first then purple. Before the purple changes into something grotesque you run out of the room.

You are a businessman. You are half way between home and office. You are caught in a nasty traffic jam. You have got an overseas call from a big buyer from New York. You are buckbuckoom (Sorry, no English for that). He said something about one million dollars! But before you get the name of his company and his order item the cell phone goes dead. It never happened before. It had to happen this morning! After one hour you reach office and call the buyer back. But he has already given the order to your friend you hate most!

You are a journalist and you have to reach Hotel Sheraton in time. You run in to attend a seminar going on inside. The seminar has been organised by a diehard Islamic political party and the subject is Indian hegemony in the region and water sharing with Bangladesh. You are assigned to cover this for your daily. There is a pin drop silence as a documentary is being shown on the condition of the Padma River because of the Farakka Barrage. Your cell phone begins to ring loudly and the ring tone is Sare Jahan Se Achhya Hindustan Hamara .....!! My...my...the look on the faces of the people in the room! If stares could kill! You fumble for the cell phone in your right pocket. It's not there! The tune comes back again.....Hindustan Hamaraaaaa!! Over and above the sound you can clearly hear two hundred sets of teeth (strong and sharp) grinding, grating and gnashing.

Well, that is not the end of the story of the wayward cell phones. To cool it off after the ordeal at Sheraton Hotel you decide to take your fiancé to a fast food joint. You have just sunk your teeth into that yummy looking pizza. You have the soft drink in one hand and the pizza on the other. Your cell phone begins to ring. Before you could do anything your fiancé picks up the phone from the table and says hellooooo! "And, who are you my dear?" Says a sexy female voice on the other side of the line. Your fiancé quickly looks at you and says, "I am Samir's sister. May I know your name, please? I'll call <>bhaia<>." You choke on a large chunk of pizza. You wash it down with the soft drink. You reach for your cell phone. But your fiancé wouldn't give it. She is talking with the girl on the other side of the line. "So, you are bhaia's fiancé you say? How exciting! He never told me about you! What a naughty boy Samir bhaia is! You know what Pinky; we are having some snacks at Dominos at Mahakhali. Since you are in Banani why don't you come over and join us? I would simply love to meet you. Maybe together we will cure him of his naughtiness, what do you say? Ah, great, so you are coming!"