The ‘foolice’ incident

It hasn't been very long, since I was arguing with a local guard who had the guts to call himself a policeman. The incident took place at a mall in Gulshan-1. While I was getting down stairs, this man in navy blue combat pants (with side pockets to enable more cash to be deposited) and an aqua shirt loaded with tags was coming the other way. We bumped into each other. Nothing happened to him, but his nameplate tore my shirt. That ticked me off. I asked the man if he was blind or drunk. He replied in a coarse voice, "Didn't your parents teach you anything? Where has the respect gone? At least you should behave yourself with the Police of the country!"

This really got to my nerves and I asked him who the hell he was to tell me this, and by this time some people gathered, which gave it the true flavour of street-side chaos. To me, the guy I was arguing with, was one of the Securex guards, but what struck me was a metal star on the chest and another couple of medals on the epaulettes, which read 'Police'. I told him, "Listen man, you are more at fault than I am. YOU are not a policeman, just a Securex guard, and God knows where you bought all these logos! Don't claim yourself to be one of the national authorities. You should be sorry." He replied, "You call Folice a Securex guard? This is our uniform." (I realised that the man was from Naokhali/Feni by his distinctive dialect.)

I was actually thundered. How can someone thump up a lie like this to someone who has plenty of self-pride? When I looked at the facial expressions of the crowd that was enjoying the post-lunch theatre, I realised something was wrong, and I was part of it. What was funny, I think, was when I asked him if he was from Feni, he replied in such a tone that I heard "Yas, yas, I am from Funny."

Nothing much happened after that. We parted ways. I learned later that the police had changed their uniform, but I wonder if they have changed their habits, as well. I never liked the way our police people carried themselves. It's true that the new police uniform is sober (I think pretty dull too), I guess, but it resembles some of the local guard companies which have more or less the same kind of uniforms. The new dress didn't give the police the necessary inspiration they require.

There is something in the manner the policemen do their duty that doesn't earn respect from the civilians. There has got to be some sort of etiquette when they go about their business. There should be uniformity, like wearing properly buttoned shirts, tucking the shirts properly etc. We should also worry about their names. Why, you ask? If you go to police stores (Polwell), you will get badges, caps and uniforms for sale (even to civilians) but that's okay. What surprised me was that there were plenty of nameplates. I was wondering just how many Maksuds and Zulfikar there are in the police, as I found as many as ten of those in one shop alone. When I asked the shop attendant why they have nameplates and so many of each, he replied " Bhai, common names; we print hundreds of them, because this year or the next, it will sell." Someone whose name is supposedly Zulkarnain, would he order for a nameplate and wait or just settle for the closest match, Zulfikar? This is just a thought. Surely, though there are plenty of problems to be sorted out and settled. I am sure, our very smart Home Minister, with his trendy spiked hair, can do something about it. So lets not worry!

By Taskin

Phobia fever

Apparently, 'phobia' means an extreme or abnormal dislike or fear of something.
Of course, I bet you already
knew that. I also bet you have no idea about the many types of phobias, which have managed to exist without your being even slightly aware of it.

After a great deal of tremendously painstaking research I have finally been able to discover the hidden phobias lurking all around us. Sounds sinister, right? You'll be surprised at how cleverly they have become embedded in your everyday life. Sure you're not an incurable phobic? After reading this, you might not think so. So people, here goes:

CLAUSTROPHOBIA: This involves fear of 'enclosed spaces'. If you think you don't know anyone suffering from this, think again! This is something that is simply so common especially when used as excuses to leave the house. I used to think that claustrophobia was very rare in Bangladesh but that was before I came across my cousin James. He frequently complained that being in a closed room made him feel like 'the walls were caving in' on him. 'Amar dom bondho hoye ashche', (I cant breathe!) was an expression he used often. His parents began to feel that they were being inhuman by cooping him up indoors, while he obviously despised it, and soon he got all the freedom that he wanted. Too bad his parents don't know that while he claims to feel claustrophobic in his home, his friends' houses and any other enclosed popular hangouts don't affect him in the least. It's a pretty good excuse to use if you want to escape from the confines of your house!

ACROPHOBIA: It's ok, feel free to admit your fear of heights. What are secrets between friends, huh? If you still want to insist that you have absolutely no fear of heights, than I must congratulate you on being exactly like me - courageous, daring and fearless (quite a good combination!). I find it funny how some people are so scared of heights that they can't even stand being on their roof on a windy or rainy day. Even being a short distance from the ground, like being fifteen steps up on a ladder, freaks them out. I still remember the time one of my bhaiyas was forced to admit being an acrophobic. Being a tomboy during my childhood, I had once climbed a pretty tall tree when a few of my cousins had dared me to. Unfortunately, once I was halfway to the top, I suddenly realised that I could not climb back down again. Feeling macho, my cousin bhaiya came up behind me and effortlessly dropped me onto the safe outstretched arms of my other cousins. Guess what? The poor guy had an inborn fear of heights and finally had to be himself rescued by another cousin and the additional help of a ladder. He still bribes us to keep us from revealing his 'phobia' secret!

HYDROPHOBIA: Afraid of water? You should be, if you don't know how to swim. After all, it's always better to be safe than sorry. Yet, I have known some people to take even this tiny thing to the extremes. I have an uncle who's scared of rain; he isn't really afraid of drowning, since he's a pretty good swimmer, its just that he's scared stiff of catching pneumonia. A certain friend of mine (who shall remain nameless) is so petrified of water that he confides of not being able to take any showers, just because he cant endure the very thought of water above his head. Seems like every time he wants a bath, the bathtub is his only option! One of my cousins is so scared of water that every time we venture near the beach, she starts getting the creeps. First, she starts complaining about butterflies in her stomach as soon as the word 'beach' is mentioned. If somehow we do succeed in convincing her that no sea monster will be dragging her off with all of us around to protect her, she reluctantly agrees but starts making weird premonitions. On the ride there, she recites facts about accidents that have taken place at sea and about a place called Bermuda Triangle where people and ships have simply disappeared! As soon as we reach the beach she mentions stomach cramps and as soon as she sees the water she promptly turns around and proceeds to throw up! Needless to say that no trip to the beach (with her that is) has turned out to be a success. We have given up trying.

ENTOMOPHOBIA(Fear of insects): Am I afraid of those creepy crawlies crawling all over the place? Of course I am! Who isn't? There's nothing abnormal about that! Yet, at times when I am screaming my head off and desperately looking for cover as one of those disgusting flying cockroaches appear suddenly in my room, I am wistfully reminded of a time when I simply didn't care about what any insect was up to. I guess I have my aunts to blame for my present cowardly condition! One of my aunts had this inborn phobia of cockroaches. She couldn't even bear to remain in the same room with a member of this species! I remember once my uncle killed a cockroach and threw it at her (yuck!) in an attempt to diffuse her fear. Too bad she got so terrified she fainted on the spot and was delirious in bed for three whole days! After that no one ever bothered her with another cockroach again. She isn't the only person in our family who's scared. My cousins and I are all terrified! Once a cockroach flew into my room when we were all playing monopoly. We started screaming like the world was ending and there was no tomorrow. The combined effect of all our screams actually brought our neighbours running. Later they confessed that our screams made them think we were being robbed!

HEDONOPHOBIA (Fear of having fun): Oh yes, these people do exist! This goes out to all the uptight people out there who have an inherent aversion to fun. I know a certain teacher who fits perfectly into this category. Even the other teachers try and stay away from him. He thinks life is just a tedious journey which you have to complete so that you can finally reach paradise. Everything even slightly enjoyable is disliked by him. Music, television, reading novels, gabbing for hours on the phone, travelling, chatting, you name something fun and he hates it! When you say 'Good morning sir' to him, he scowls at you and replies 'Don't say good morning. There's nothing good about this morning. Nonsense!'

Frankly, I feel extremely sorry for his daughter, all she ever gets to do is study. A few days before (Pahela Baishakh) we went to a school function that was organised to celebrate the occasion. As it was our last year, everyone in our class decided to dress traditionally (something we never did). The entire batch was busy outside the function hall snapping pictures in an attempt to store memories. As usual he came screaming at us asking why we were behaving like 'fishes'!

With so many of these 'phobias' floating around, it's a wonder that many of us have still managed to hold on to our sanity! I don't know about you but if I have to sit here and analyse another phobia, I'll go insane. Till next time, ciao people!

By Jennifer Ashraf

Eccentricities of Dieting

The one word I fear above anything else in the whole world, the one word that gives me nightmares every time, is the word (yes you guessed it!) 'diet'.

Being chubby, I have to hear that word whenever I put food into my mouth. The first time I've ever come across that word is probably when I was ten, the age I started putting on weight. My mother got so scared, that I never heard the end of how good dieting would be for me. My mother, a 'dietaholic', has tried every diet there is. From Atkins to protein diets, my mother has done them all! Even though she's lost 75 lbs in a few months, she still continues to diet.

Just recently, (due to much persuasion), I've been experimenting with a diet called The Cabbage Soup Diet. It's a seven-day regimen that requires you to eat vegetables, fruits and cabbage soup. The more cabbage soup you have, the more weight you lose. Since I'm only on my third day, I'm not sure if I lost anything or not. However, apparently, you lose 5-7Ibs after the third day and 10-17Ibs after the seventh day. (Interested parties can contact me at slayer477@hotmail.com)

It's a face-paced world. Nowadays, you have to walk the walk, talk the talk and look the look. Many find the latter most important. So, they resort to dieting and exercising. I mean, almost everyone diets! Dieting has become a major business. Ediets.com sells diets for $20. IntheZone.com founder Dr. Spears delivers the required meal in New York metropolitan area for $13.95. It's a diet the likes of Oprah Winfrey, Madonna, and Sharon Stone swear by. In our country, RC and Virgin Cola are booming with their diet sodas. Finally, who can forget all the energy drinks?

During the Roman times, if you weren't plump, you weren't pretty. I think that's how it was a couple of years ago, too. All of a sudden, you see beautiful, skinny people on television and you suddenly decide you have to be like them. I may not like saying this, but I guess I'm dieting for the same reason. Hundreds diet, in hopes of one day losing all that bulk and finally being accepted as someone beautiful. Very few actually succeed. I don't know about you guys, but if the cabbage soup doesn't work for me, there's always gastric bypass!

By Sumbal Momen