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The week in re(ar)view


Aussies send tech aid, we want more
9 March, Australia has promised Bangladesh technical help in wrapping up the militant militants. How so? They will be providing us with high tech software that will help in tracking down the funding of JMB and other similar bombing affiliated associations. We are very curious how they will accomplish this task as the report was vague on the how, when, where.

We would like to point out that if we are given the software then Aussies will also have to give us computers to run the software. And then we will need electricity to run the computers for which someone will have to give us power plants. Then we will need more software and computers for running the power plant. Then we will need more power plants. In between we will need more software to track down the wealth of all the ministers who will be getting rich while the country gets all these software, computer and power plants.

February 28, we supposedly have 20 safety inspectors to cover 50,000 factories across the country. These inspectors must be the most overworked people right after journalists. If you do the math that's 2500 factories under each inspectors watch. Given to inspect two factories a day they would still need about 3 years to complete the whole job. In the meantime more factories will spring up, do the business, collapse, catch fire, explode etc while owners generally enjoy the sweet comforts of their air conditioned SUVs.

The positive negative and the media monster
The media is a terrible thing focusing only on terrible things. Look at rearview and the terrible things we uphold or hold up. 12 March Finance and Planning Minster M Saifur Rahman complained that the media highlights the negative new items and not the positive developments.

Sure there are positive things. Ministers in Bangladesh have better get-rich-quick schemes than ministers of other countries. Our militant fanatics have developed their terrorist skills despite having fast internet. And let's not forget we have been most corrupt 5 years running. That's achievement and development. All you have to do is see it in a positive light.

Trendy crime
March 11 RAB (Rapid Action Battalion) went to nab a group who took a jab and tried to grab other peoples money. Now that we are done with the silly word play the actual news is that 9 people were caught impersonating mobile court. These crooks went to other crooks (bakeries) and fined them 1 lakh taka. Suspicions arose when the amount was reduced to 1000. Also the mobile court had no police officials with them fake or otherwise.

Note to future crooks, mobile court does not reduce in fact they increase the fines.

By Gokhra and Mood Dude

Laugh lines

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." --Jerry Seinfeld

Social Workers
Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city one evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back alley. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood.

"Help me, I've been mugged and beaten," he pleaded.
The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague, "You know, the person who did this really needs help."

Ever Important 3 Envelopes
A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."

Three months down the track there is major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all.

He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".

Playing House
A little girl and a little boy were at daycare. The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey, Stevie, wanna play house?"
He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replied, "I want you to communicate."
He said to her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means."
The little girl smirked and said, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

Beauty Queen
My wife seems to be losing her sense of humor for no apparent reason. Why just the other day, she got mad when she announced that she was going to the beauty parlor.

I asked, "are you going in for an estimate or are you going to get the work done?"

Armless Man in a Bar
An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?"
The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."

Auto Accident
Mike and Frank driving on a street, in different directions. Out of some unfortunate mishap, the cars slammed into each other, head-on. The two men were able to get out of their cars without any serious injury, but the cars were totaled.

Before Frank could say anything, Mike said, "Instead of fighting over whose fault it was, why don't we just celebrate that we were able to come out alive?"

Frank said, "Yeah, good idea!"
"I have a bottle of whisky in the trunk, why don't I pull that out?" suggested Mike. He went around, and luckily the bottle was not damaged in the accident. He gave it to Frank and said, "Here, drink some!"

Frank took the bottle and chugged half of it down. Then he wiped his mouth and handed the bottle over to Mike. "Here, you have some!"
Mike passed it back and said, "Nah, I think I'll wait until the police get here."

Banned from Dhaka

Dhaka is now officially free of polythene bags and public smoking. Even then, the city dwellers find themselves in dire need of getting rid of a few more things:

1) Ringtones: I can't find a single corner in this city where I do not have to listen to these stupid ringtones. If 'kaata laga' was not enough, now they have started composing even Bangla cinema tunes. Picture the soundtrack of 'Mogbazaar er moga' blaring in the middle of Jumma speeches.

2) PDA: No, I'm not one of those tech-challenged gadget haters. PDA stands for Public Display of Affection, something that has come out of the golis and chipas into the staircases and roadsides. No matter how unavoidable it may seem for the couples, it is certainly very irritable for third parties. So all you tona-tunis out there, please take note!

3) Posters: From the scores of posters on my boundary wall, my house seems to be a madrasa, a coaching centre, and the home of some political 'Laltu bhai'. Talk about being under fire!

4) Stray dogs: Why did the trade minister have to go for something as complicated as frog legs, with readymade edible exports available on the streets? In the 1980's, the government of Libya had to put a ban on catching and killing dogs, as some foreigners were eating out the whole canine population to extinction. All we need to do now, is to find those foreigners...

5) Tele-tap-dancers: Forgive the idea of a flat joke, but in my opinion, this government's idea of teletapping, even rivals the stupid ideas of Mr. Bush. Picture bandana-tied-RAB people sitting up all night listening to mushy romantic dialogues. Who knows? At then end of the month they might gather enough experience to start writing romantic novels.

By Tausif Salim

A Bird's Tale

The bird looks on through the bars of its prison
Wistfully at the starry sky above,
She wants to fly, touch the stars, taste the sky,
But only silent tears bury her dreams of freedom.
What is it like to have the wind in your face,
The clouds in your eyes?
To know that you're free
For the rest of your life?
There is so much to see, and so little time
So why don't you set the bird free to her flight?
The world is so beautiful, with glimpses of heaven everywhere…
The mountains and oceans…beautiful nature in full flair.
What is a life that hasn't seen such heaven all around,
So set the bird free…don't tie her to the ground.
By Fahmina Rahman


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