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Interview: “Korbaneer Goru”
sick of dying every qurbani, cows are changing careers. here’s one job where they’ll find themselves right at home

Every once in a while a person is struck with a sudden burst of inspiration (which some might define as stupidity, but hey, it's just a different viewpoint). That's exactly what happened to our beloved Reporter. Thinking that the country has suddenly become too dangerous to live in, especially for nosey journalists, our Reporter went and took some language classes, namely German, French, Spanish and Russian. In his hare-brained mind it was just another precaution so that if he was ever forced to flee the country he would at least be able to ask people where the public toilets are (also, there was another reason, he was hoping that with his increased linguistic abilities he might just get that promotion). Along the course of such language based endeavors he also, strangely, came across a dude who apparently taught Cow jargon.

Our Reporter being the quintessential eager student went and learned the fine art of mooing. This caused the aforementioned 'burst of inspiration'. Since it was the season of Eid with the air full of the stink of cow dung and gorur haats opening up everywhere our Reporter decided to do something that was never before done (or thought of). He set forth to interview a cow.

While the roaming the numerous 'haats' in the capital our Reporter went around asking different cows different questions. However most of them just went 'moo', which the Reporter just did not get. See, the problem was that our Reporter friend did indeed learn to speak Cow, but he learned form a French dude who knew the French version of Cow. Thus our slightly dumb Reporter was unable, at first, to interview our bovine (divine in some cases) companions. Most of the cows in the haats knew only how to moo in Bangla and when our Reporter asked them a question they just stared at him (in that strangley unnerving way that cows stare at people). Thus our Reporter searched in vain for a suitable cow to interview. After a long day searching our friend finally found a huge beast worth several lakhs that had been educated and knew how to speak French Cow (strange really, an educated cow). Thus the interview started:

Reporter: Umm…ah…do you understand what I'm saying my friend?

Cow (listlessly): Yeah I understand you…Umm, how come you speak Cow and French Cow at that?

R: I learned it from this French dude. Anyway, I'm here to ask you some questions. Okay?

C: Sure go ahead nothing much else to do here anyway.

R: Where you from anyway?

C: From just outside of Savar.

R: I see. So, how do you like Dhaka?

C: It's ok. Over populated and over polluted but okay.

R: What about the people?

C: Can't say much about them. Most of them just come here, give me a very scrutinizing look and then go away. Oh, that happens when they ask my price. Once they hear that, they don't hang around.

R: Well, you can't blame them. Your owner has been asking for a very atrocious price. If it weren't for that I personally would have bought you.

C: What do you mean atrocious? A few lakhs is nothing when you're getting a cow that can speak French. Why don't you buy me, by the way?

R: Ah, but you speak only the French version of cow and I doubt it that the people would buy you for that. Most of them covet only the meat you pack. And journalists don't get paid much, that's why I can't buy you.

C: Oh, so that's why people have been taking so much attention towards cows.

R: Uh huh. Anyway, made any cow friends around here?

C: Nope.

R: Why not?

C: Can't. I don't talk to them.

R: How come?

C: Class, man class! I'm worth several lakhs; their worth can be calculated in mere thousands.

R: So that makes you better and superior to them?

C: Yeah, I'm a 'ucho jater goru after all.

R: I thought racism and such only existed among humans. You cows discriminate too?

C: Oh yeah, a lot. Take goats for example. We cows always look down upon goats, those small, wily bums.

R: Don't you feel that's wrong?

C: Nah, why should I?

R: Ok. Let's see. Now what are your comments on the current political crisis?

C: Don't have any comments.

R: Why not?

C: Well, maybe because I'm a cow? I don't really care much for politics.

R: Ah…I see. So, what are your thoughts on Eid?

C: I just hope the guy who buys me sees that slaughtering me would be cruel and unjustified and that the guy would be compassionate enough to not shove a knife through my throat.

R: But sacrifice is the whole concept of Eid. You can't argue with that with stuff like animal cruelty issues.

C: I'm an animal. I think slaughtering me would be cruel.

R: Well, I'm a human. Slaughtering you would be an act of religious obedience on my part.

C: You can't avoid it?

R: Nope.

C (now somewhat melancholy): Damn…

At that point, our Reporter, who had quite liked the pointless anter he was having with the cow, had to stop. Apparently, a rich business with a flashy car had just bought the cow and the cow was being taken.

R: Well I guess that's it. Bye. See you again.

C (irritated): You won't see me again you dolt. By tomorrow pieces of my thigh will be frying in this guys (indicating the fat rich guy) guy's pan.

R: Oh yeah, anyway bye.

After that our Reporter decided that this piece of work might get him that aforementioned promotion. He then went about his way to find a cow that he could buy for Eid. Unfortunately, to his apparent sorrow, he realized that along with the price of essentials, the prices of cows too are affected by inflation.

By Tareq Adnan

How to get over post-Qurbani syndrome

I hope you guys had a great Eid, especially without RS there to ruin it for you (what a relief). But now that the Eid is over, and RS is out again (that's why you are reading it) we couldn't help but feel bad for all those diehard meat eaters who are back to their regular lives, having consumed all of their share of the cow (not to mention their siblings' share as well). Then there are those who are in a great trauma, having watched each and every Bengali channel to death, just can't get their eyes off the idiot box. Last, but not the least, there are those who miss the lovely authentic smell of cow dung spread across their front porch. If you belong to one of the above categories, and are really missing the festive buzz of qurbani, RS has come along with some of this medication to get over what we have discovered as post qurbani syndrome.

The post qurbani syndrome starts off from the 3rd day of Eid-ul-Azha, when the smell of the decaying innards starts to dissipate and disappear slowly. The previous three days are a frenzy for the cow lovers as they get to listen to the sweet symphony of the cows mooing and chewing grass. Now, with all the cows off the street, there is a void that must be fulfilled. This is a good time to take a little break from everyday life and go towards the villages. Although much of the cows of the village have been eradicated thanks to the politicians who sacrificed cows in greater number and distributed amongst the silly villagers in hopes of getting the vote, there are still bound to be a few mohish who will cover for the beloved cows. There are no city corporations in villages and since the village corporations aren't very swift, you can find heaps of cow dung lying here and there. But be quick, or they will be converted into fertilizers.

Those of you who cant watch enough of television drama and magazine programs aired during Eid and want more, there's good news. The official duration of Eid telecasting will last for more than 3 months. The news is, there are so many program directors and producers lined up in front of every channel office in Karwan bazaar, that it would take almost a month to air all their programs on all of the channels combined. And even if you miss that, there's always the reruns and repeat reruns. In addition, you can simply go and buy VCDs of all programs you have missed.

The past year has been particularly bad for the beef lovers of the country. Due to political disruptions, there weren't enough Indian cows that could cross border in time to be available in the cow market for Eid. As a result, most die hard beef lovers had to part with their dear money and settle for thinner and bonier cows with almost no meat. Well, this is major trouble, because if there are no cows or if they are expensive, how can you get more beef. Even going to shops to buy is an expensive alternative. For them I have this brilliant suggestion. Nowadays, with the introduction of various food companies whose part time objective is to produce various kinds of masala and food flavoring, there is way to satisfy your demands. Just go and buy goats and chickens instead of cows and then while cooking, use a beef flavored masala and viola! Whatever you eat will taste like pure roasted bhoona beef. How's that for an idea?

Now all of you suffering from post qurbani syndrome, there are some wise words of suggestion. The motto of Eid-ul-Azha is to sacrifice and share. So if you concentrated on sharing and sacrificing, you wouldn't have had to suffer from the disease in the first place. Remember, sacrificed cows might go to heaven, but if we think of nothing but feasting on this holy purpose, we might not even go where the cows have gone, and that my friends, would be a point to ponder upon.

By Monty Python


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