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TEDDY's Takeover Bid

FIRST there was Chucky then there was TEDDY. Chucky (of Child's Play fame) showed the world how mind-bogglingly evil dolls are in his relentless bid to hack, slash and kill. But the malevolence of toys and dolls don't end there. Not when there's an evil being so evil that the word evil doesn't do him justice and who still walks this Earth. That person (or more appropriately plaything) is TEDDY, the glittering, orange-bow-tie-with-yellow-polka-dots wearing, purple-with-pink-stripes evil overlord of the toy world. Even as we speak, TEDDY vies to take over the real world.

TEDDY, being TEDDY lives with the most powerfully stupid man in the world, in the Whitewashed House with Mr. President; actually with his daughter. But that doesn't really matter since the President is his daughter's puppet and his daughter is TEDDY's puppet. It takes a while to understand exactly how this works but you'll get it in the end. So, through such devious and treacherous means TEDDY causes mayhem on this Earth (it is to be noted that all of Mr. President's hare-brained ideas about war were actually his daughters who we off course know worships TEDDY. You can guess who is responsible… yes, it's TEDDY).

You're probably wondering how we know all this .In a surprising act of bravery our beloved Reporter, in a schizophrenic haze, decided to visit the Whitewashed House. Somehow or the other he managed to get lost and ended up in Mr. President's daughter's room where he met TEDDY who was singing a song, Britney Spears if you must know (surprisingly enough he wasn't charged with trespassing or even stopped once in his lost wanderings…talk about security). Scared out of his wits he managed to keep his calm and actually managed to take an interview. That's how we know, and now you do too:

Reporter: uh…umm…hi.

TEDDY: Who are you? How'd you get in here?

R: The door was open.

T: Oh… right. So, can I help you?

R: Well…you're the talking teddy and I guess you could help me by letting me interview you.

T: That's TEDDY. Well, I guess a little publicity never hurt anyone. And I haven't had anyone to talk to other than that stupid airhead of a girl.

R: OK. So you're TEDDY and you belong to the Presidents daughter. Life must be fun living here.

T: Actually no. The President is stupid and so is his daughter. Not one of them can follow specific orders. And you have no idea how nosy and annoying their security service is..

R: Orders? What orders?

T: Well…see…it's not just the President who rules the world. I have some influence in that certain division.

R: The President rules the world? I thought he only ruled his country.

T: Weeelll…see, he doesn't actually rule the word in the truest sense. He actually directs more like.

R: Direct?

T: The whole show and everything.

R: How's that any different than ruling?

T: The actors have the choice of deviating from the script. Normal ruling doesn't allow that.

R: Oh right. Do the 'actors' deviate?

T: Sometimes. They get fired then…They're other repercussions of course.

R: Like?

T: Let's not talk about this.

R: Ah…right. So, what orders can't anyone follow that you were talking about? You never answered.

T: Well, see, I sometimes…'advise' the President. On worldly matters that seem a tad bit to difficult for him to handle for himself.

R: The President takes advice from his daughter's teddy? That's hard to believe.

T (quite coldly): The President doesn't even know I exist. He listens to his daughter who listens to me. It's quite complicated process in which there is a process for bungling up really.

R: I'm still quite confused. The President has a lot of advisors. Why would he take advice from a fluffy teddy?

T (quite angry now and not quite as cute at all really): Well, maybe because the other advisors are all cowards and don't know anything about anything. For example, who came up with the brilliant idea about that war on that former-ally-but-now-an-insufferable-enemy dictator? Me I tell you. Me. Ingenious isn't it?

R: You are behind that horrendous war?

T: Yes quite. It was needed you know. This world can't peace for too long. It needed something to be tense about.

R: Right…So the President was actually following you when he instigated that war?

T: Yes. You are quite slow on the uptake you know.

R: Yes, apparently that's why they won't promote me. So what other acts of evil have you done?

T: Quite a few actually. I'm the in house TEDDY, thus the use of capitals. I get handed down from one President's wards to the next. It's a sort of tradition. And I'm not basically evil. It's just that I feel that misery is needed too to make people realize the importance of peace.

R: So you destroy peace only to emphasis on how great it is?

T: Something like that. Yeah.

R: You do know that only an evil mind could come up with an explanation like that?

T (gleefully): Yes I do. Right now I think mine is the greatest on the planet.

R: And all this time I thought the President was responsible.

T: He's too much of a dunce to figure out the logistics of war and the rewards too. Just listen to his speeches to get an idea.

R: Well, I guess your right.

At that point, the security service, planning to nose around a bit more to find out just how the President's daughter came up with such terrible but great ideas looked into the room. To their bewilderment, they found a reporter who got lost and who claimed to have interviewed the in house teddy. Apparently the man was mad so they let him go. Later on, one of them would swear that he had heard a gruff voice swearing about the how nosey the security service was. He was of course fired and then conveniently and quite promptly disappeared of the face of the Earth, on par with security service traditions.

The Reporter on the other hand returned home to us in hopes of a promotion. You can of course guess the outcome of his endeavors now can't you?

By Tareq Adnan

For better or for worse

YOU know I really never got around to liking you. I'm sorry, but there are just some things that, no matter how much you try, you never end up liking. However, I do know that I need you. That's the sad part. I swear it has nothing to do with your dark colouring, or your stout, and almost thuggish appearance. No. I actually appreciate the fact that you are like that, and that out of all the others, you are probably the most reliable. I've dropped you, forgotten to take you with me sometimes, and even doused you with water! And yet, you are still intact. Okay, so maybe not completely intact, thanks to me. I'm sorry that I deliberately pulled out the soft cushioning flesh from your sides, just to see what lies inside And let's not forget about all those times I disembowelled you. Does it hurt? It must. You look nothing like how you used to, when I first got you.

I remember the first time I got a glimpse of you when I downloaded your picture from Google. I thought you looked wonderful. You looked solid, reliable, not showy or flashy, and basically just nice. My Dad chose you for me, did you know that? My parents said I needed you so that they could contact me when I was away. I was told you were mine even before I could hold you in my hands in the shop and chose you out of the others. I don't even know what the others around you looked like. You see, I wasn't taken when you were purchased. I was excited nevertheless. But when you were finally given to me, I realised you were nothing like how I thought you would be. I had hoped for all those hi-tech features that my friends had for theirs. You had almost none of those features. You just looked passably nice, and that's it. All I could do with you was call people and occasionally play those boring games you had.

I was so cross with my parents! They made me feel like that little girl who never got to choose anything for herself. Like the princess who had no freedom and whose life was scheduled by others. But then I had no choice, never did.

It's been three years since you were first given to me. Despite myself, I have to tell you that in some weird way I am proud of you. Of our long journey, of you never getting sick even once even though I've treated you almost like a nonentity. You stuck with me despite everything and it makes me realise how attached I am to you. I'm even almost a few millimeters away from liking you. Almost. Even though you never had those features I wanted, you worked hard with the ones that you had just to please me. I appreciate that. You are the only cell phone I ever had, and even though you might not be the best, you'll definitely always by my first. I'll treasure our memories forever.

By Nuzhat Binte Arif

People come, people go

“Take my hand”, she said.

With a flummoxed expression he said, “What?”

“I want to be with you, I love you.”

Keeping the nature a witness, Anila gave him the happiest moment of his life, yet she was forlorn. She knew she did not love him…the way he did.

THE sun graced the earth with its fresh beam of light. The beams danced gaily over the lush green trees as laughter flew upon the gentle breeze fluttering like a joyful spirit. She knew she was happy, yet his presence was not enough. She was jealous of him. She could make him happy just with a smile, but he could not make her happy with anything he did. She knew he tried; he tried hard and knew nobody could love her more than he did. Yet she could not love him the way he did.

As days passed, she became more and more fond of him. She loved they way he talked, the way he did little silly things, and the way he told her that he loved her. At the same time she hated his insecurity and the fact how much he needed her. Anila knew one day she would love him as much as he did. She wanted to feel how good it felt when she was with someone she wanted badly to be with. She wanted her heartbeat to rise when he saw him; she wanted to get Goosebumps whenever she thought of him.

Yet it never happened.

She could not believe she was doing this to him. She felt as if he was committing the biggest sin of her life. She knew this would break him into pieces, yet she did this. She wanted her the way they were before. It was not possible anymore. With one last look at his damp eyes emanating the eternal agony, she said, 'I am sorry'…

Anila started spending her days with guilt and the feeling of a loss. She knew it would end, and she knew he would be okay. Her trust in him was the only thing that helped her live. Every morning she would wake up with no greeting from him. She missed him, but it was for their own good.

If life was a poem, it would go in its peaceful rhythm. If life was a movie, there would always be happy endings...but if life was reality it would have been something like this...

The day was rainy and cold and the smell of the soil brought back memories that were no longer a part of her life. The drizzling rain was clinging to her specs. Suddenly a familiar face came into her view. She could see the dark eyes had lost its glow, the smile had become lifeless and the heart was broken. She was sorry for everything, she truly was. She cared for him, and so she had to vanish from his life. As he crossed the lane and went away, she felt a trickle of tear going down her cheeks and hoped that one day, he would understand…

By Raida Kifait

Eight things I learnt in University

1. If you plan on bunking classes, either have an easy-to-forge signature or a hard-to-place voice.

2. DON'T sit at the back. Any professor worth his salt knows enough to keep an eye on the backbenchers. Then again, go ahead. Chances are your teacher is not one of them.

3. If you want to ask a question in the last five minutes of class, DON'T.

4. If you must ask that question in the last five minutes, prepare to be manhandled after class.

5. Don't wince when the teacher mispronounces a word, unless you want to wince after seeing your grades.

6. Don't look happy if the teacher praises you. It's bad enough that he or she likes you; don't make the rest of the class hate you.

7. Assume that the class schedule won't be changed simply because you finally copied the most recent one.

8. If you find a secret place to smoke, bear in mind that some faculty members are also likely to frequent the same spot.


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