Everyone hopes to leave a legacy to be remembered after our passing to the other side from this mortal land to the light, at least until cryogenics figures out how to reanimate our earthly bodies or at least our brain. But why waste all that energy on running behind the fame and glory when you can simply spout one badass quote before you take the last blow and live on through eternity known as a kickass guy.
“Hurrah for anarchy! This is the happiest moment of my life”- George Engel
“More Weight”- Giles Corey, farmer and accused witch, while being crushed with stones.
“Hey, fellas! How about this for a headline for tomorrow's paper? 'French Fries'”- James French, convicted murderer.
"Wait a minute"- Pope Alexander VI
"And now, I am officially dead."- Abram Stevens Hewitt
“Now why did I do that?”- General William Erskine, after jumping from a window in Lisbon, Portugal.
By Zabir Hasan
This is a real stumper actually. Girls and X-Box 360's both require constant care, but you can have fun with the latter and turn it off till you want to play again. The former however constantly nags you till you eventually die. So seriously, which one would you choose? Let's ponder further; in a way that 'Boyfriend/Pet' article did last week. Here's a page out of Musarrat's book, except with a little more honesty. (Read a lot)
Personal Hygiene: You clean your console, on your own and make sure it doesn't get too dusty. That's the worst it can do. Get dusty. Now girls on the other hand, you can't wash the dust off. There's the stink and homeboy, if you want to get rid of the stink you have to splash major cash on perfumes, because it's somehow insulting to get a girl a deo. A toothbrush and a little Savlon will keep your console clean but with chicks you need to get then the comb, the shampoo, the conditioner (what the hell is that?), hair oil, soap for skin, soap for face and soap for mouth, tooth paste, tooth brush, lipstick, mascara etc etc. Now if a girl could afford it, she would have plastic surgery every hour whilst bathing in milk. So, keeping a girlfriend clean takes a lot of money and eventually the burden will fall on you. Stick to the console.
Obedience: A console will play any game you want it to. It will be around when you want it to. If it stops working then you can get it fixed or buy a newer one and trust me it will not mind. A girlfriend on the other hand will outlive you by 10 years on average, therefore will be around as long as you live. It will not listen to you and when you try to make it, the girlfriend will instantly label you 'controlling', 'demonic', 'male chauvinistic' and also 'loony'. Unlike a girlfriend, a console will not try to tell you what to do. For the record if you tell a girl what to do, you are 'possesive' and 'controlling' but when a girl tells you what to do, she is 'looking out for your best interests.' A girlfriend will always be around, nagging. She will stop working but you can't just try to fix her, because that's impossible and if you try to change her for a better model, you will be emotionally blackmailed to hell and back. Honestly, which do you prefer?
Attention and Affection: For a console, zilch. If it doesn't work, attend to it and if it works real well, smile at it. That's affection enough. No cuddles, no smooches, no sweet talk, no cigar. If you want to keep a chick around, then forget that you have a life since you must spend every hour looking out for her because sometimes, girlfriends can be real stupid and they might poke their eyes out if you don't constantly attend to them. Or something like that. And affection. Well, that really depends on their mood, so you have to be wary and always nervous when trying to hold their hand, because they might a)hold yours back or b) rip your arm off for your insensibility as she is upset and now touching her will anger her. By the way, you don't get hints about their mood. You just have to guess right. Or end up crippled.
Cost: 30,000 at one go for an X-Box 360 or maybe 8000 bucks for mod-chips and repairs and stuff. Max you get up to 50,000 but you have to pay it only once. Plus, you can also sell the console sometime in the future and get some of the cash back. Spending on girls are sunk costs. You never get it back and the expenditure never ends. Dates, gifts, fare etc etc. On average, a boy needs to spend around 5000-10,000 on a girl each month, depending on what type she is. Think about it. Consoles give pleasure and relieve stress. Girls make you happy, but tick you off a lot too and add to the stress.
Training: You don't need to train a console. It is already trained. You cannot ever train a girlfriend, because she always thinks you need training. For a woman, no man in this world is perfect. No man is the world can give advice or try to help without having some other motive. They can't be trained to change their minds. They can only try to change you to do stupid things like dealing with their mood swings ( popularly believed to lead to most domestic violence), pleasing their friends ( who are obviously as nauseating as the girls themselves) and other corny stuff.
Verdict: 5-0, to the consoles, what an expected rout. But hey consoles can't give you the affection or love you need. So what can you do? Choose a girlfriend? Brother please, get Sega's EMA (Eternal, Maiden, Actualization), a sexy female robot who sings, dances and will even kiss you. That's the best thing you can do. Eat your heart out girlfriends, X-box may triumph over girls but EMA's will make females obsolete. Or maybe not.
By Osama Rahman
While I'm away….
Best original funny story
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