Of loose lips and verbal diarrhoea

By Musarrat Rahman

We've all met these guys, they look sooo good on the outside, you could put whipped cream on them and eat them up, but as soon as they open their obnoxious little mouths, you are crushed under the disappointment of their major tool-ness.

Not-so-gray anatomy
John Mayer is fast gaining notoriety for being a said major tool. In his recent interviews for Rolling Stone and Playboy magazine, not only did he say the most despicable things about exes Jenifer Aniston and Jessica Simpson but also described his physical attributes as 'white supremacist'. Not only is he a gigantic P_S, but he's also a racist moron. It's hard to believe that this is the same guy who gave us 'Your Body Is A Wonderland'. It's safe to say the guy won't be getting any self-respecting women visiting his wonderland anytime soon. Or ever. What happened to the guy? He used to be a sexy rock star with his guitar and his meaningful lyrics.

Bitter whine
And of course, there's Kanye West. We all remember his retarded/desperate bid for attention at the VMA's last year when he hijacked poor Taylor Swift's acceptance speech and not only managed to humiliate himself to infinity and beyond but also made everyone hate him even more than they already do! When his video for 'Touch the Sky' did not win at the MTV Europe Music Awards, Kanye publicly expressed his incredulity. 'It took a month to film; I stood on a mountain; I flew a helicopter over Vegas. I did it to be the king of all videos and I wanted to walk home with that award,' he complained. Dear Kanye, whining about how you are not the most popular will not work to make you more popular, but it will get you a 'Top Ten Reasons Why Kanye West Is a Jerk' checklist. Congratulations!

We'd like to say that this 'I-am-a-major-tool' syndrome only affects men, but sadly, such is not the case. It seems like Hollywood's better looking half isn't exempt from such behavior.

Our “Speidi” senses tell us…

There's this guy named Spencer Pratt. He's married - still not entirely sure if he understands what that means - to an implanted bobblehead named Heidi Montag. Heidi and Spencer, (SPEIDI), came from The Hills, MTV's now-classic (how scary is that?) acid trip designed to turn teenagers into shopaholic, blonde, little bimbos. These two have shared everything, EVERYTHING, with the media.

This guy goes around and demands that hotels, nightclubs, and any sort of entertainment venue pay the two of them to show up and be obnoxious. Spencer even demanded that the Atlantis Paradise Island Resort pay him for lounging at the pool while Heidi was rehearsing for the Miss Universe pageant.

He wanted to be paid. For lounging at the pool.

His other half, Heidi goes around saying that her music videos of herself floundering around in the beach and at a pool in a teeny tiny bikini is better than, wait for it, Michael Jackson's Thriller. BLASHPHEMY! Does your video have zombies? No! Does your video make sense? NO!

Strange condition
And then there's Robert Pattinson, everyone's favorite wizard-turned-vampire. So sexy and smouldering with his broodiness and his pouty lips and his sparkles! How is one to resist? Then he just had to open his dumb mouth and ruin the fairy-princess image we had of him. The Twilight heartthrob, when asked to comment on a racy photo shoot he recently participated in, claimed he was 'allergic' to lady parts. You're probably thinking, DUH, the guy sparkles for god's sake, we knew he wasn't straight. Here's the catch though: he doesn't realize that he's finally embraced his sexuality and cemented for the world what we already suspected. Sugar plum fairy is still frolicking around hand in hand with Kristin Stewart, his rumoured emo-er-than-Bella girlfriend.

Shut up. Just shut up
Megan Fox, the incredibly hot Transformer co-star, Bazooka'd her chances of EVER being taken seriously in 2009 by spouting ridiculous quotes about herself to anyone who'd listen.

Before the Transformers movies came out, nobody knew who Megan Fox was, and then Michael Bay came along and made her famous, and what did she do to thank him? She told the media that he was 'like Hitler'. Megan Fox, sweetie, do you even know who Hitler was?

Why don't you just keep those pretty lips of yours shut and focus on smiling and looking pretty for the cameras, ok? But no, she went on rampantly ruining her reputation and spouting one ridiculous quote after quote most of which went like this, 'The other day I said I eat a lot of cake and that was the top story on Yahoo.' until finally the media had enough of her and declared August 4th a 'NO MEGAN FOX DAY'.

Book Review

The Memory Keeper's Daughter

If you could go back in time, with the knowledge and experience you have today, would you change anything?

You've probably been asked this question at least once. Most of us would find a few things we'd change, and more often than not, those changes involve certain decisions we took. Choices have often been referred to as 'hinges of destiny', because even the simplest choices may have lifetime implications, many of which are irrevocable.

Kim Edwards deals with that very theme in her debut novel “The Memory Keeper's Daughter.”

The story opens in 1964, when Dr David Henry takes his pregnant wife Norah to the hospital, and has to deliver the baby himself. He is surprised when she gives birth to not one, but two babies, but the surprise soon turns to disappointment when he realises that the second twin has Down Syndrome. On the spur of the moment, he reaches a decision, to give the baby away and to tell his wife that it was a stillbirth. He selects his nurse Caroline Gill as his accomplice in this act, and entrusts her with the job of disposing of the baby girl. Caroline, for her part, makes her own pivotal choice; instead of dumping the baby in some nursing home, she quits her job and runs off with the girl, whom she names Phoebe.

Two impulsive choices kick off the narrative, twisting and re-shaping lives in ways neither of the decision-makers could have foretold. The story is told in phases spanning the next half-century, and we get some insight into the reasons why Dr Henry did what he did, as well as the impact the act has on his family and marriage. We also witness Caroline's struggles to make it as a single mother with a special-needs child, and how she finds love in the most unexpected places.

The story is slow-paced, but achingly bittersweet, and Edwards has crafted her words so beautifully, you feel like re-reading the passages just to take it all in again. The story itself is a little sad, so not one for the depressed readers, but the characters are fairly credible. This is one of those languid reads that draw you in and leave an impression of themselves long after you've turned the last page.

If you liked this book, you'll also like “Cider House Rules” by John Irving

By Sabrina F Ahmad
sabrina.ahmad@thedailystar.net