The week in re(ar)view

Philosophy of sound
There's an old philosophical question that goes if a tree falls in a forest and no one hears it, does it make a sound? Being far from forests, we can't hear anything so the answer is a resounding 'NO'. But our government is putting this question to the test.

The Ministry of Environment and Forest issued a permit on June 30, 2008 allowing Nahar Tea Garden to chop down 4,000 trees in Srimongol in exchange for Tk 47.51 lakh as royalty to the public treasury.

1200 trees were chopped down in 2008 and a 100 more last week. Turns out, trees don't make a sound but indigenous people of neighbouring Khasia Punji and environmentalist group Bangladesh Paribesh Andolon (Bapa) are making a lot of noise. All to no avail.

This leads to a new philosophical question. When government departments start to make ridiculous decisions like these, and people make a lot of noise in protests, does anyone listen?

No day is good day to be a chicken
Chickens are enjoying a status update (not like in Facebook) as they are now double the price of what they used to be immediately post-bird-flu epidemic. Of course, the chickens don't really enjoy it that much as we eat them even more now.

That's bad for us who really, really like the taste of chicken but don't like the price. Our hopes were raised last week as Kazi Breeders in Thakurgaon suffered a bout of bird flu outbreak. One man's fouled fowl is another man's cheap meat. District Livestock Department culled over one lakh poultry birds and destroyed two lakh of eggs.

For the record, cooking properly kills birdflu microorganisms. Cooking further makes crunchy chicken. Mmm, chicken.

Government procures Aladdin's lost lamp, genie missing
The government has initiated a programme to make the country beggar-free within five years. They wanted to do so using Aladdin's lamp but the genie went into hiding. So now they are proposing to rehabilitate beggars through employment and other incentives, until they can find the genie. First on the rehabilitation list should be the government itself. After all, they are always begging other states for money. The ministry allocated about Tk 14 crore for the project.

Out of network
The home ministry decided to make mandatory submission of copies of national identity cards to buy SIM cards. But not everyone has yet received their ID cards. The national identity registration act says no citizen can be deprived of any facility for not having NID card. Furthermore, under-18 persons are barred from buying SIM cards, apparently as a measure to reduce crime. If you connect the dots, it seems crimes are generally committed by under-18 people. We connect dots very well here at Re(ar)view HQ (formerly Daily Star women's washroom). Also part of the news report, the prime minister and her nephew, ruling Awami League lawmaker Fazle Noor Taposh, received threats over cellphones. Yep, blame under-18s.

Police-approved public beatings
Police last week conducted an anti-narcotic drive in the capital's Karwan Bazar area. Which is good. But they probably became frustrated at not finding anything so they urged people to break limbs of the criminals in the area. This gives a whole new meaning to taking law into your own limbs, er, hands. DMP Commissioner and other police high-ups condemned this suggestion.

Woman of power
Prime Minister Sheikh Hasina has been rated as the sixth most powerful woman in Asia according to an index prepared by CNN. Most powerful? China-based Nine Dragons Paper Holdings' Zhang Yin. Yep, China is the new warlord.

By Mood Dude and Someone

Nano Tales

Dream Girl
He looked into her eyes they were a pale blue and contrasted perfectly with her blonde hair. Her pink, out-dated dress made her look even more like a medieval princess. He wondered if he should take her out, and what people would say if he did. As he sat wondering this, his sister snatched the Barbie doll away from him.
By Sharnila N. Kabir

Stop Right There
“Stop right there,” the man commanded. I was instantly alarmed. My mouth gave out a muffled cry as a reflex. I was sweating like a wild pig. With every inch of my muscles aching, it was a struggle to stand- moving was impossible. I turned in slow motion.
“You gotta stay till the match ends yo-,” Coach Bill fumed.
Boy!
By Nabila Nowshin Anika

Catch!
Hearts pounding, like a million hammers on anvils, they almost forgot how to breathe: choking with anxiety. All eyes locked on the small spherical object. White in colour, it was difficult to keep track; soaring through the air, stopping momentarily at its peak. Down it came, diving into the greedy hands of the fielder. The stadium erupted. We have won!
By Tania Alam

Lovin' With Dr. Lovelove

The Love Doctor that makes Cupid cry for his mommy…...to get his diaper changed.

This week, I do not have anything new to bitch and moan about, so I'm going to keep the introduction short. But, I would like to thank those who sent their support via e-mail, bitching and moaning about the word limit problem for me. I wonder where these traitors were last week, when I needed them. I hope this will give you a hint as to why the Doctor is greater than the rest and why everyone else is not worthy of respect.

Dr."Lovelove",
First of all I would like to say, what an absurd opening line you have. 'Makes Cupid cry for his mommy'? Surely someone of your calibre can do much better. Anyway, on to business, there is a certain gentleman that I fancy (surprised?). But he is an ill mannered, insolent and ill-behaved person a.k.a. a jerk. I know that he does not deserve someone of my beauty, grace and intelligence and going into a relationship with him would be quite dreadful. But I really adore him. What course of action should I take? How do I stop liking him?
(No name)

Dear…
Women, can't live with 'em, can't live without killing 'em. It seems the worse the man treats you, the more attractive you blondies find him. But I would like to thank you for grasping the grandness of my calibre; I would take your advice and change the line, but then I realized that I don't really value the opinion of someone as irrelevant as you. Like, at ALL.

Since it seems that his character is one that is certain to induce utter repulsion (Hey, you guys DO have a lot in common), there are three things you can do. One: you can change him, go through the whole chick-flick routine where the guy realises how much he loves the girl and changes instantaneously into a good man. (i.e. NOT happening.) Two: treat him exactly the way he treats you and maybe, just maybe, he will tone the intensity of his own character down, having eaten a dose of his own nauseating medicine (though I doubt your own character is any less nauseating). But keep in mind, this will be a forced form of behaviour on his part; he will not have changed at all. Three, and I believe this is what is best for both of you, and what you both truly deserve: wallow in misery for the rest of your life.

Dear Doc,
I'm in love with a guy who is madly in love with me. But he is a cousin from my extended family. And it's not acceptable by both our family members. What do I do to make them accept us?

Damsel-in-distress-in-denial
Dear Damsel-in-distress-in-denial,
Ooh, now this is getting interesting. No worries, I do not judge. What do you think the children of Adam and Eve did? Anyways, this probably has the easiest solution. But, you're a girl, and your inferiority will prevent you from seeing it. Just don't tell your parents about the relationship. And if somehow they do find out about it, do something that will make the relationship irrevocable. But if you are hell-bent on earning their approval, give them the whole Adam and Eve story and blackmail saying your happiness is at stake.

Dear Dr.,
Before I write of my friend's demise, I sincerely hope you won't waste your article space by belittling my friend's problem since there is a rumour about a word limit, which is annoying since I enjoy your sarcasm.

My friend has been called by an unknown caller for the last six months who claims to be in love with her. My friend receives flowers from him and he frequently sings in to the mobile. There was this one time when we were going home from coaching and this rickshaw kept following us and the other time her flat's stairs were covered in flowers. My friend is sick and tired of him and wants him to stay away from her. So how do I make him understand, through phone, that my friend isn't interested no matter what he does to prove his love for her?
With love,
A Worried Friend
P.S: And no, this is not my love problem and I am not disguising under the title "my friend".

Dear A Worried Friend,
Get a new SIM card. If this idiot is still persistent and follows you, oops, I mean HER, around, tell him you'll have him beaten up by one of your boro bhais (this seems to be one of those fads which everyone has nowadays). If he still doesn't listen, actually DO have him beaten up by one of your boro bhais. Should be a fun beating to watch.

But if nothing works and you, I mean, SHE, is forced to be with him, she should take advantage of the situation. I assume that when he sings, his voice is made up of abhorrent pieces of repellent notes. So he should be quite perfect for Close Up 1. Hey, she might get rich off of him. Why not milk the cow for all it's got?
P.S.: I so believe you.
P.P.S.: NOT.

Problems and inquiries: dr.lovelove@live.com
By Dr. Lovelove

RS Mailbox

Your one-stop junction for love, hate, suggestions and counters for the Rising Stars.

Word on our last issue:
Ahnaf Kamal: Brilliant issue. Loved it

Redwan Hossain: Loved Tareq's 'Home Economics'. The Dr (Lovelove) was funny as usual, especially the last part. Couldn't stop laughing after reading it.
Mahjabin Shakur: Dr Lovelove was good.
Murad Chowdhury: Loved the article on '5cm per second'.

Zulyad Islam: On behalf of the Circus Police (band), I'd like to thank Sabhanaz Rashid Diya and Musarrat Rahman on a wonderful band review in their last issue.

Note from RS: We're reviewing young bands in the underground scene, so if you wish to spread the word about your band, please get in touch with us. Please note that we will be reviewing 2-3 bands at a time, and the selection of bands is completely random, and do not involve rankings of any sort. Please don't accuse us of “comparing” one band to others on the scene.

Tarique Hasan : I have been reading RS since my early teen years and I simply cannot overlook the contribution of RS in making Thursdays more special. The article titled 'Let there be no lights' presented some problems encountered by citizens due to power failure making sure it was done in a humorous way which was admirable. Conversely 'Please rob me' reminded us that while social networking sites can be useful to let know others of important information, it can also be misused for hampering privacy. 'Home Economics 2.0' was a good read and Dr.Lovelove couldn't have been less better either. Long live RS!!

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