Home   |  Issues  |  The Daily Star Home | Thursday, April 29, 2010

Fashion Files

By Osama Rahmany & Musarrat Rahman

He says:
Why is that women are pioneers of criticising men's fashion when they themselves give in to nausea-inducing styles? With female fashion bordering on the insane, it is no wonder that a male's sense of revolting superiority is yet to be diminished, regardless of what they may say. In all fairness instead of laying the blame, let us dig a little deeper into this weird world.

Of Shoes and Colours
Have you ever seen women squeezing their feet into these high-heeled shoes, wrapping straps all around and cutting off the blood supply? Apparently, adding six inches, wobbling forward on stilettos and risking amputation is supposed to be style. They call leather jackets stupid, but at least we don't risk our lives every time we climb the stairs. (ROFLing so hard now).

And if flowery designs and laces on every border weren't bad enough, women MUST colour co-ordinate everything in the entire world if possible. From red nail polish, to red dresses to red shoes to red hair, they must match everything. As if looking like a crayon doesn't suffice, women will always tend to dictate to their men what they too should be wearing. 'Sweetie, could you wear something black? Your green t-shirt clashes with my super red self.' Like, HELL NO. Men, never ever change, because she told you to. It is their first step of taking over your lives. And by the way, matching dresses on couples or friends is not at all cute. It's sick. Disgusting. Revolting.

Women will do everything in their power to cover their lack of fashion, from dissing your white kicks to rolling their eyes at your popped collars. Don't believe what they say. Compare Amy Winehouse and Mike Jones, and then decide for yourself which gender is the actual fashion disaster.

How does Size Matter?
This one kills mortal sanity. Please, take a moment, to explain how on earth the size of your earring has anything to do with the colour of your outfit? It has nothing to do with it, whatsoever. NOTHING. We refuse to believe, accept, understand or even acknowledge the existence of such a ridiculous concept. And while we are on the matter of size, what is with these rock-sized earrings known as dangling whatever? If something needs to dangle, there should be a limit. If you have a problem with our pants falling, why must you argue when we have a problem with your earrings falling? There's a place for chandeliers and it's not your ears.

In Conclusion
Women in general don't get fashion. In general. Plus, because of their lack of fashion sense they will always stroll two hours late on a date or make you miss the opening scene of a movie. And when you ask her why she is late, her reply will be 'I was doing my make up stupid'. Apparently, this excuse holds the same weight as a person who is late because of the apocalypse. And no argument or discussion is to take place afterwards.

And about using glitter. It's the females who have spread this vile infestation and are solely to be blamed forever. Men will always rule the fashion world. Women should stop stealing our ideas and polish up their own ones. And that, honeys, is the truth.

She says:
This writer considers herself to be a male-connoisseur. Nobody likes to ogle a good-looking male specimen more than yours truly. That doesn't mean 'desperate', it just means that moi, like the men who have objectified women for many, many, MANY years, has a healthy appreciation for a gorgeous male body. And I'm not afraid to show it.

But more and more guys in Dhaka these days are making the worst fashion choices imaginable (from neon jackets to belts with screens attached to them) and slowly all the eye candy is disappearing. Oh the horrors!
Sending out an SOS to the Fashion Police.

All that glitters… is FRUITY!
The Twilight epidemic to hit the nation has left the boys (I refuse to refer to them as men), with Edward-Cullen-Syndrome, forcing them to wear sparkly pants/shirts in hopes to make the girlies swoon. It's not something to joke about, actually. It's a very serious disease causing mental disabilities to the wearer and temporary blindness/nausea to the people who have to witness it. While sparkles are probably the greatest invention on earth, it does NOT look good on guys. Robert Pattinson can't pull it off, what makes you think YOU can?

The Skinny on Tight Jeans
Stick-figure men are not appealing. Men are supposed to be chiselled and fit, not have stick-insect legs to fit into skinny jeans. Don't get me wrong; skinny jeans are a great invention, FOR WOMEN.

But on guys? First off, it looks absolutely horrific, and I can't imagine any girl; emo/indie/punk or otherwise; finding that look appealing in any way whatsoever. Secondly, those pants aren't exactly comfortable to wear. Good news is that all the numbness following the lack of blood flow thanks to the item of clothing/tourniquet, will ensure natural selection at its finest.

Lookin' like a Fool with your Pants on the ground…
A popular trend amongst the Bengali boys is the wanna-be-gangster look. Baggy pants exposing their behinds, chains strapped to ugly wide-belts, t-shirts that are five sizes too big, wife-beaters (UGH) and bicycle chains/padlocks around their necks. Lets not forget the backwards cap. Worst of all these offences is the baggy pants. Nobody wants to see your butt or your underwear. It doesn't make you look tough, just stupid.

Salman Khan called, he wants his Pants back
A guy can pull of three-quarter pants, provided they are normal pants; not too tight, not too loose. What they can't pull off is skin-tight shorts/capri's. The other day at a concert, a guy came in wearing a spray-on black sleeveless t-shirt and denim Skinny-Capri cut-offs (!). There literally is nothing more to say.

Good lord, whatever happened to old fashion man jeans/pants?

Keep Your Shirt On
Colourful statement tee's saying stuff such as 'the hottest thing around' or 'freaky' makes you look like a tool. Nobody likes to see a guy with diamante studs on their shirt. You know what else makes you look like an idiot? Think upturned collars and open-front shirts. Buttons are there for a reason, please utilize them. We don't want to see your hairless man-orexic chest.

Accessory to Crime's (Against Fashion)
Only Che Guevara can pull of 'Che Guevara Hats', NOT hipster losers trying to look ironic/cool. Do you have a beard? Did you lead a revolution in 1959 to establish a Marxist Socialist state in Cuba? Answer no to both questions? THEN TAKE IT THE HECK OFF! It wouldn't even be so bad if you were Cuban, but you're not.

The same can be said about golf hats: pink ones, nonetheless. You're not an elderly. In fact, not even the elderly can pull it off most times.

And Skull Caps? Dude, it's 93 degree's outside!

How about those guys that wear sunglasses 24/7? Who needs the sun, anyway?

Let's not forget about offending footwear: neon sneakers, man-dals, them darn crocs, and the worst of them, the pointed-toe shoes.

Then there are the artfully draped scarves and diamond studs on both ears. The song is not called 'Diamonds are a BOY'S best friend'. Neither is gold, FYI. Thick gold chains and bling-bling is not flattering on anyone except Mr. T or P. Diddy.

Have all the real men been abducted by aliens?



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