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Crazy smart

By Sarah Nafisa Shahid

If you knew a man who sailed his boat on windless days just for the sake of the challenge, would you call him crazy or rather bright? Well, it doesn't matter because that man, known as Albert Einstein, is famous for being smart anyway. He is figuratively part of a super cool legion called The Secret Class of the Eccentrics, or so I'd like to think. These classes of eccentrics have always been of supreme importance to the advancement of the human existence even though most of them had the quirkiest habits ever.

Aware of their greater intelligence, many eccentrics tend to possess a non-conforming attitude towards foreign opinions which was evident in impressionist painter Vincent Van Gogh. He once cut off his ear only because of a simple disagreement with his fellow painter, Paul Gaughin.

They could also be annoyingly obnoxious with little taste in social company like Big Bang Theory's Sheldon Cooper. He'd rather memorise the entire string theory than have a small chat with Penny. Seeing that it's Penny, I'd probably do the same if I were him.

They are also highly opinionated like Dr. Gregory House from House who virtually depicts everyone around him as either stupid or unimportant. But then again, he is right.

On the other hand, many eccentric people like surrealist painter Salvador Dali enjoy displaying their cleverness in the form of mischievous humour. His iconic moustache was only one of the many ways he liked fooling around with people.

Jimmy Neutron, Nickelodeon's boy genius, was one eccentric who knew that he was different from the start. In fact, a lot of these types of people start realising the difference from childhood. No wonder they shine so early.

British philosopher John Stuart Mill said that “The amount of eccentricity in a society has generally been proportional to the amount of genius, mental vigour and moral courage which it contained.” Sadly, our society regards anything out of the ordinary as bizarre. Bizarre it may be, but not necessarily bad because you never know when an action is retarded or rather crazily intelligent. This however does not allow you to cross the road in the middle of traffic when the foot over bridge is right next to you and claim yourself to be 'crazily intelligent' because THAT is just retarded.

How to Flirt With Guys

By Samama Rahman

It may seem strange to some that a boy is writing about this topic. The fact is that my superiors at the office felt I would do a good job with this article, considering that I flirt with referees before sporting events in order to get them on my side. This may seem strange, but I assure you that it works.

The simplest way to flirt with any guy is to compliment them. These compliments may relate to anything about them. Telling someone "Didn't you officiate the 2010 World Cup?" can do wonders. Trust me. You can get away with 3 dives before he finally books you; that too, with a smile. Complimenting guys is the ultimate way to make them like you, but overdoing it would ruin it. A few simple, indirect lines are all it takes.

In order to write a good article, I asked some girls what they did in order to flirt. Most answers I got were pretty lame. The problem is, girls like to pretend like they don't flirt. They like to think that they get guys for no reason. Anyway the things they supposedly do are: play with their hair, bite/lick their lips and other random things that a stroke victim might do.

I will tell you exactly how to get a guy. You need to make sure he's into you first. If you look good enough, then he will be. Always maintain the status quo. You can get guys/girls out of your league only in rom-coms. Or if you are old, like 26 or some number thereabouts.

Once the guy is into you, you need to talk to him from time to time. Give him your phone number if you have to. If a guy has long conversations with you, he is into you. Otherwise he would never talk to you for too long. Girls think they have interesting things to say, but you really don't.

Eventually, if you can get him interested in you, he will probably ask you out on a date. Then if you're looking for a relationship that could take some work, or if you're looking to have fun, guys are always down with that and would probably like that better. So go out there and start flirting. Life is too short to waste on stupid things like classical dance and Oprah.

Confessions of a White Kitten

By Cat King Cole (through Mustabeen Qazi)

Slave, are you out of your mind or did you finally resort to taking catnip? The laptop exists only to provide warmth to your master's majestic self, not for making pointless memes which are not even distantly funny. For your information petty human, we feline overlords speak your lowly tongue with utmost perfection. If you cannot adjust your antennae to perceive frequencies beyond 'Meow' then it is solely your own problem.

Do stop trying to prepare that utterly disgusting bubblebath and trying to catch me unawares for a washing routine. If you cannot bathe me then stop trying, I do not require one either. Bath ingredients should be devoid of water and should smell precisely like milk. What better compliments my white self than a milk bath? Ah! The Egyptians, never in my nine long and experience-laden lives have I had better slaves. Bless those bronze-skinned devotees, they worshipped us to our rightful stature and even made appealing she-slaves (Slave Cleo and Slave Nefer) feed us royal banquets, bit by bit. Unlike you they called me 'Isis' and oh, what style the name had. Not 'cuddlebug' or 'munchkin' (an entire breed! Give us a break) or the daily gibberish you consider cute. Your great leader Napoleon was a smart one too; just smart enough to be hopelessly scared of our kind. Fear generates respect and respect generates fear, I like it. And yes, away with those pink bow-ties and lacy frills. Weld me a crown of pure platinum by Saturday, miss a deadline again and you will find yourself dead before you know it.

More importantly, my coat is white. Not 'cream', not 'peach' nor any of your mundane adjectives - just the perfect shade of white. I am superior to that black lowly being considering himself street-smart. Without a shade of doubt, I am the higher intelligence. It is I who has a slave; it is I who remains immune to germs and it is I who will rule the world. The black lowly one by the way spoiled your chocolate ganache and Rui fish yesterday. Yes, the chocolate was on my whiskers but that was mud. I am not accountable to my slave and if you catch diphtheria then you know whom to blame. What are you staring at? Take the broom, hit blackie's rear end and come back in exactly five seconds.

I see that you have returned, feed me now. I would like my tuna in a crystal bowl delivered straight to my bed. Oh look! A mouse. They are smaller than me and they are not me. So they are interesting. Ah, the joys of vandalising God's property and pouncing on those weaker than I! And consider yourself fortunate that I wasted my precious time sharing my words of wisdom with you. Now away with you, human.



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