Feature

Daddy's little girl

Fariha Shafi

Have you ever really felt like you are not loved? Do you wake up from nightmares in shuddering hysteria and anxiety? Did you ever see the fading sky, the earth unfilled of gravity and upthrust when you are floating and sinking? Are you desperate and afraid in the dark? These are the questions that engross my mind every time I think of papa's sudden demise. I am not aware of how it feels when the angels take your soul, but I am sure that I'm scared of dying. Probably I am not fearful about the pain that death brings for I must rejoice that God wants me there. What troubles me most is that I will be gone from my family; friends and then I realized how dad had felt.

Sometimes I feel very angry about dad believing that he might have had an option. He could have told the angels that he has his daughters who are dependent upon him and their survival is hard in this cruel world. Maybe if we were blessed enough to have the chance to decide then Dad, my uncle, or grandfather would have never left us. This is the rule of the world that any day somebody among us will have to leave us alone for the rest of our lives. There will be no plate served for the gone, no one to call him/her at the dining table, the clothes would not be worn, the room would be turned into a stock room. This is what usually happens; when a person has departed we easily forget his existence and we are least bothered to respect his possessions.

In my dad's case it can never ensue. Life is very fair to everyone and is equally balanced with happy and sorrowful parts. People die away but their souls never die. They are alive in the facades of their children, siblings, parents, spouses and memories, which are forever. I collected some of his possessions from a bedside drawer. There I found some pictures of us together that he had neatly reserved inside one of his wallet, the golden watch he wore every time he went out and his two pair of specks without which he was incapable of sight. Dad had the same pair of glasses on his eyes when he was taken to the hospital.

Life without dad is simply unimaginable. Last time when we were on the road returning after receiving my report card, my eyes were filled with tears. Dad stared at me for a while and understood how I felt, as I had not come first and feared it would disappoint him. Then just to cheer me up he asked me if I was in a mood for Gello- ice creams. I could not turn him down and we had ice creams on the road. I think what I didn't know was that I would never be able to enjoy sitting with him again.

No matter how hard I try memories are hard to forget. Then again these very memories make me who I am today. On the last Father's day I didn't have enough pocket money to buy my dad anything. So, my sister and me made him one of those wacky cards and gave it to him with our words inscribed. Dad brought it back to me and asked if I could write the date and year in which we were presenting it to him. It confused me so he explained to me saying that he also would love to remember this day years later when his loving dolls had gifted him with the card. He said that there can never be a more special gift for him than this. One more Father's day is here and I have saved my pocket money to buy a gift but whom do I give it to? Will God grant me my Dad for only one day so that could I could tell him how much he always meant to me?

I am not sanctified like you people to be able to physically gift my father because God has taken him so far, in heavens and I can't even go visit him. He is resided in a beautiful grave with overlooking krishnachuras in Comilla.Dad, you are not a person to be forgotten, you are to be fondly remembered as the kind human being that you were and the elixir to our family. You my relentless sky, my piece of love, my brightest star and my grandest gift from God. Angels are singing merry songs to you wherever you are.

In memory of a loving man, my father Mr. Shafi.