A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. “You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?” she sneered.
I replied in a psychotic tone, “I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.”

My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, “Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.”

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

A middle-aged guy bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SL500. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 90 mph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.
"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But then he looked in his rearview mirror, and there was a police car behind him, blue lights flashing.
"I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 130 mph to escape being stopped.
Then he thought, "What the heck am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing," and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
The policeman pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up on the driver's side.
"Sir," he said, looking at his watch, "My shift ends in a few minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The policeman said, "Have a nice day."

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey motioned "kissing."
"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they crashed."
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving," motioned the monkey.