On a Bad Day

Top 10 Ways to Deal with Stressful Lives
1. Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
2. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on the pot.
3. Replace the cream filling of a Twinkie with ketchup, slip the snack cake back into its wrapper and sit it on the kitchen counter. Now all you have to do is wait and watch.
4. Make a list of "things to do" that you have already done.
5. Fill out your tax form using Roman numerals.
6. Have "Out to Lunch" tattooed on your forehead.
7. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
8. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
9. Make up a new language and use it to ask people for directions.
10. When someone says, "Have a nice day!" tell them you have other plans.

Drill Thrill
Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was always behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he suddenly said to his wife, "Ok honey, this is a drill. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore." She was initially surprised and flustered, but she soon settled down and was able to safely drive the boat to shore. Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, grabbed the remote control, switched the channel, and said to him, "OK honey, this is a drill. Pretend I'm having a heart attack.
You must set the table, cook dinner, and wash the dishes."

Bumper Stickers One Should Avoid
- Eliminate and Abolish Redundancy
- DARE to Keep Cops Off Donuts (Donut Abuse & Rotundity Elimination)
- Help Stamp Out Intolerance!
- My Kid Beat Up Your Honour Student
- If You Don't Like The Way I Drive, Stay Off The Sidewalk!
- I'm Pro-Lifejacket And I Boat!
- Archaeologists Will Date Any Old Thing
- Visualise Whirled Peas
- I still miss my ex, but my aim is improving.

London Underground
During Autumn of 2000, a team of scientists at the Department of Forensics at University College London removed a row of passenger seats from a Central Line tube carriage for analysis into cleanliness. Despite London Underground's claim that the interior of their trains are cleaned on a regular basis, the scientists made some alarming discoveries: This is what was found on the surface of the seats:
* 4 types of hair sample (human, mouse, rat, dog)
* 7 types of insect (mostly fleas, mostly alive)
* vomit originating from at least 9 separate people
* human urine originating from at least 4 separate people
* human excrement
* rodent excrement
* human semen

When the seats were taken apart, they found:
* the remains of 6 mice
* the remains of 2 large rats
* 1 previously unheard of fungus
It is estimated that by holding one of the armrests, you are transferring to your body the natural oils and sweat from as many as 400 different people. It is estimated that it is generally healthier to smoke five cigarettes a day than to travel for one hour a day on the London Underground. It is far more hygienic to wipe your hand on the inside of a recently flushed toilet bowl before eating, than to wipe your hand on a London Underground seat before eating. It is estimated that within London, more work sick-days are taken because of bugs picked up whilst traveling on the London Underground than for any other reason (including alcohol).

Final Exam Mark as unread
Two college football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________." Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm." "Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?" "You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O.”

Sharp Answers To Feel Good
Q: Are you going out dressed like that?
A: No, I'm going to strip before I get to the door.
A: Yes, all my geeky clothes are in the wash.
A: Are you staying in dressed like THAT?
A: I have too. It's a law.
A: Yes, unless you like what I'm wearing.

Q: Did you get a haircut?
A: No, I got them all cut.
A: No, I put my hair in the dryer and it shrank.
A: I had too. It was starting to look like YOU!
A: No, I had my head enlarged.
A: No, it's a tonsorial illusion.

Q: Is that a new shirt?
A: No, I got a new chest.
A: It was when I bought it.
A: No, these are pants, I just wear them funny.
A: It better be, or I'm never shopping at that store again!
A: Yes. Some of us can afford new clothes.