a Bad Day
10 Ways to Deal with Stressful Lives
1. Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
2. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on the pot.
3. Replace the cream filling of a Twinkie with ketchup,
slip the snack cake back into its wrapper and sit it on
the kitchen counter. Now all you have to do is wait and
4. Make a list of "things to do" that you have
5. Fill out your tax form using Roman numerals.
6. Have "Out to Lunch" tattooed on your forehead.
7. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the
8. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
9. Make up a new language and use it to ask people for directions.
10. When someone says, "Have a nice day!" tell
them you have other plans.
Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing
boat together, it was the husband who was always behind
the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what
might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake
he suddenly said to his wife, "Ok honey, this is a
drill. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must
get the boat safely to shore." She was initially surprised
and flustered, but she soon settled down and was able to
safely drive the boat to shore. Later that evening, the
wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching
television. She sat down next to him, grabbed the remote
control, switched the channel, and said to him, "OK
honey, this is a drill. Pretend I'm having a heart attack.
You must set the table, cook dinner, and wash the dishes."
Stickers One Should Avoid
- Eliminate and Abolish Redundancy
- DARE to Keep Cops Off Donuts (Donut Abuse & Rotundity
- Help Stamp Out Intolerance!
- My Kid Beat Up Your Honour Student
- If You Don't Like The Way I Drive, Stay Off The Sidewalk!
- I'm Pro-Lifejacket And I Boat!
- Archaeologists Will Date Any Old Thing
- Visualise Whirled Peas
- I still miss my ex, but my aim is improving.
During Autumn of 2000, a team of scientists at the Department
of Forensics at University College London removed a row
of passenger seats from a Central Line tube carriage for
analysis into cleanliness. Despite London Underground's
claim that the interior of their trains are cleaned on a
regular basis, the scientists made some alarming discoveries:
This is what was found on the surface of the seats:
* 4 types of hair sample (human, mouse, rat, dog)
* 7 types of insect (mostly fleas, mostly alive)
* vomit originating from at least 9 separate people
* human urine originating from at least 4 separate people
* human excrement
* rodent excrement
* human semen
the seats were taken apart, they found:
* the remains of 6 mice
* the remains of 2 large rats
* 1 previously unheard of fungus
It is estimated that by holding one of the armrests, you
are transferring to your body the natural oils and sweat
from as many as 400 different people. It is estimated that
it is generally healthier to smoke five cigarettes a day
than to travel for one hour a day on the London Underground.
It is far more hygienic to wipe your hand on the inside
of a recently flushed toilet bowl before eating, than to
wipe your hand on a London Underground seat before eating.
It is estimated that within London, more work sick-days
are taken because of bugs picked up whilst traveling on
the London Underground than for any other reason (including
Exam Mark as unread
Two college football players were taking an important final
exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation
and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following
week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question
read, "Old MacDonald had a _________." Bubba was
stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed
to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure
the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.
"Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor
hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're
so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."
He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer
in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder
again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is
Answers To Feel Good
Q: Are you going out dressed like that?
A: No, I'm going to strip before I get to the door.
A: Yes, all my geeky clothes are in the wash.
A: Are you staying in dressed like THAT?
A: I have too. It's a law.
A: Yes, unless you like what I'm wearing.
you get a haircut?
A: No, I got them all cut.
A: No, I put my hair in the dryer and it shrank.
A: I had too. It was starting to look like YOU!
A: No, I had my head enlarged.
A: No, it's a tonsorial illusion.
that a new shirt?
A: No, I got a new chest.
A: It was when I bought it.
A: No, these are pants, I just wear them funny.
A: It better be, or I'm never shopping at that store again!
A: Yes. Some of us can afford new clothes.