Growing Pains
Nadia
Kabir Barb
You can run but you can't hide -- trust me I
know. I have spent the last 3650 days trying to run away from
the day my children would wake up to the fact that there are
no storks that drop babies off in the dead of night, nor can
doctors perform magic and abracadabra brothers and sisters into
this world. The dilemma of what I should say when confronted
by the children on such delicate matters has plagued me since
the birth of my first child and a few weeks ago I had my day
of reckoning. Being a parent is, on the whole, a pleasurable
and fulfilling experience. But on the downside, there are, however,
some aspects of parenthood that are less desirable. For example,
I am sure that most of us could do without the sleepless nights
and nappy changing sessions that accompany babyhood. As our
children get to the toddler stage, there is always the terrifying
prospect that they might fall down the stairs or stick their
head in the toilet and when we come to the school phase our
daily prayers include a "doa" so that the teacher
does not summon us to school "to have a little talk"
about our offspring. But in my short experience of being a parent,
the aspect that has had me petrified the most is the stage where
your kids find out about the facts of life.
It is inevitable that when children are growing
they will ask all sorts of personal and embarrassing questions
whether you like it or not. Up to a certain age, it is possible
to evade these questions subtly or even manipulate the answers
but the older they get, the harder it is to avoid direct questions
and observations. Excuses such as "I really have to make
an important phone call right now" or "remind me when
I have a few minutes to spare tomorrow and we'll talk then"
start to lose credibility after the fiftieth time you have used
them. For us, it all came to a head when a few days ago we had
to face our fears after we received a letter from my daughter's
school informing us that the discussion on "the facts of
life" (i.e. puberty, how babies are born etc.) was imminent
and required our permission in order for her to attend. Having
spoken to the other parents we decided that it was a more sensible
idea for the girls to have a teacher who was qualified to speak
to children of this age and give them a talk that was structured,
informative and of course sensitively handled rather than hearing
things second-hand from their peers or other sources. Once the
forms had been signed I thought I was free from my obligations
to have "the big talk" but my daughter obviously had
other ideas. That evening she came to me and sat down with a
determined look on her face. "Mummy, I would like you to
tell me about "the birds and the bees before I go to the
class tomorrow". In that instance, if I could have, I really
would have done a Houdini act and disappeared into thin air
or put a paper bag on head and pretended I was invisible, but
I could hear my husband's voice in my head telling me very wisely
not to react out of proportion and make an issue out of the
situation or put it off any longer. Instead I should tackle
it head long and be flattered that my daughter felt comfortable
enough to approach me instead of asking someone else. I took
a deep breath and for the next 20 minutes, put my inhibitions
aside and behaved like a responsible parent. Strangely enough
it was almost as if my daughter was putting me at ease and there
were no awkward moments and thankfully I did not feel the need
to break into hysterical nervous laughter. At the end of it
all when I asked her if there was anything else she wanted to
know her response was, "I really didn't want to know any
of it in the first place so I think the answer is 'no thank
you, Mummy'". We had a laugh over this and then went about
our own business. Who could have guessed that something I had
dreaded so much for so long could have been so simple?
I was wondering whether, had I still been living
in Bangladesh, I would have had this conversation with my daughter
at all. Certain topics such as sex, drugs etc are taboo in our
society--these are things that you just do not talk about. Until
a few weeks ago my view was of a similar ilk and I felt that
there was no need for me to discuss these matters with my children.
But my "session" with my daughter made me realise
that our children look up to us for information, guidance and
advice on every aspect of their lives and if we want them to
make the right choices in life then we should at least be willing
to be open and honest with them. This does not necessarily mean
we lose our authority as parents but that we are there for them
and in my opinion this option is more desirable to me than my
children getting information that is inaccurate or misleading
from friends, television or even the internet.