Jokes

Wives, Husbands and In-Laws

A man left for work one Thursday afternoon, but since it was payday, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheque instead of just going straight home. When he finally appeared at home on Saturday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and a two-hour tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply asked, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

The man replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough that he could see her a little bit out of the corner of his left eye.

While a husband was lying down his wife removed his glasses.
"You know, honey," she said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."
"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

One man and his wife were having some problems at home and decided not to talk to each other.
A week later, the man realised that, because of his laziness, he needed help to wake up at 8 o'clock the next morning for a job appointment.
He thought deeply and finally wrote on a paper "Please, wake me up tomorrow at 7 o'clock."
The next morning, he woke up at 9 o'clock. Furious, he almost turned all the house upside down when he saw on a table a note: " It is 7, wake up!"

A wife says to her husband, "Dear, this afternoon the big clock fell off the wall. Had it fallen a moment sooner, my mother would have been hit on the head and badly hurt."
The husband replies, "Oh, my God! That clock has always been slow."

A girl has brought her fiancé home for dinner. After dinner, the fiancé and the girl's father go into the study for a man to man talk.
"So, what are you doing right now?" asks the father.
"I am a theology scholar," replies the fiancé.
"Do you have any plans of employment?"
"I will study and God will provide."
"What about the children?" asks the man.
"God will provide."
"And your house and car?"
"Again, God will provide," says the fiancé.
After the talk, the girl's mother asks the father, "So what did you two talk about?"
The man replies, "He has no plans of employment, but on the other hand, he thinks I'm God."

Some Great Disses
*Words can't describe your outfit, so I'll just throw up!
*They can't measure your intelligence. The scale won't go that low.
*Appearances can be deceiving. Or, in your case, disgusting.
*I promise not to make fun of your height. I would never stoop to that level.
*I'm glad you're tall. It gives me more of you to dislike.
*I think you stepped on something smelly. Like your feet!
*I've seen tables with nicer looking legs than yours.
*Are you going to eat that apple, or gum it to death?
*Your mouth's the perfect size... for your foot.
*I've seen a nose like yours before, but it looked better on the baboon.
*Know what I like about your face? Me neither.
*Know what goes best with a face like yours? A paper bag.
*Why don't you do something different with your hair? Like, wash it.
*You're a person of rare intelligence. It's rare when you show any.
*You'll never use your mind. You can't lose what you never had.
*You've made this a date I won't forget... no matter how hard I try.
*I know why they call this a "blind date." Because now that I've seen you, I wish I were blind.
*You're like disposable diapers...always getting dumped.
*''What are you doing Friday night?'' ''Trying to forget you just asked me that.''
*"What's he got that I haven't?" "You want it alphabetically?"