Food
for Thought
Much
Stranger than Fiction…!
Farah
Ghuznavi
Some
days, reading the newspapers, it's hard to escape the thought
that we live in a pretty weird world. With alarming frequency,
I find the old adage "truth is stranger than fiction",
coming to mind…For example, a recent news item featured
a somewhat bizarre story about police pooches. It seems that
one of the dogs currently working at Manchester Prison is
in a life-threatening situation. No, no, this is not due to
"downsizing" of the canine population at the prison,
or a sudden shortage of dog food! Rather more dramatically,
prison authorities have discovered that an underworld "contract"
has been taken out on this dog (how do they find out these
things?!). And - you may well ask why is that? Because it
seems that this is a highly effective police dog, and its
abilities are interfering with the drug smuggling practices
of inmates in the prison.
As a result,
this drug-sniffer dog (who, of course, detects drugs, rather
than uses them, just in case anyone is confused about this--the
story is weird, but not that weird!) has been targeted for
assassination by disgruntled inmates. Unable to do the job
themselves, they have apparently hired an external "contract
killer" to do it for them. The news item declined to
provide the identity of the endangered dog, in order to ensure
his/her safety (ie. presumably to protect him/her from us,
the newspaper readers, since the criminals already know which
dog THEY want to kill!), but we do know that it is one of
the six dogs currently working at Manchester Prison. This
leads me to wonder how far they are going to take this. Perhaps
they plan to place the dog on a witness protection scheme,
giving it a new identity in a different prison…?
An even
stranger story comes from the US, where some entre preneurial
soul has clearly decided to locate the most gullible person
in the world. He is offering on the Internet, for sale, an
item claimed to be of "great religious significance".
He says that over a decade ago, he had made a toasted cheese
sandwich (not perhaps in itself an earth-shattering event),
but that after he started eating it, he was transfixed to
see that the melted cheese had taken the shape of the Virgin
Mary! He has kept the sandwich for 10 years (after earlier
attempts to share this miracle with the world failed hmmm,
how strange…). Over the years, the cheese has not only
allegedly retained its freshness, it is waiting to be auctioned
off to the highest bidder!
The "holy
image", it has also remained undamaged, and untouched
by time (e.g. there is no fungus on it). So, for anyone mad
enough to believe this story (is there anybody out there that
mad who has not been institutionalised yet?) this treasure
is waiting to be auctioned off to the highest bidder!
That story,
most will agree, is the height of absurdity. But I have to
say, it doesn't get much better when you look at the serious
stuff. My personal favourite has to be a recent quote from
Lt Col Gareth Brandl, serving with the US armed forces in
Iraq. He assures us (in the context of justifying the wholesale
bombing of Fallujah) that "the enemy has a face. He is
called Satan. And he lives in Fallujah". Well, that clearly
justifies the mass bombing of a city full of civilians. And,
of course, those of a nervous disposition must be relieved
to know that there is no danger of meeting him in the local
supermarket, since his whereabouts have now been established
(Satan's, I mean, not Lt Col Brandl's…)
War is
hell, of course, and some may wish to argue that those who
find themselves in the midst of an ever-worsening conflict
(how many suicide bombers in the last fortnight?) undertaken
on the basis of false claims (what "weapons of mass destruction"?)
and precipitating the very situation it claimed to prevent
(Iraq has now been recognised as a key breeding ground for
international terrorists, whereas before the war, there were
no foreign fighters in the country!), may be in less than
full control of their faculties (not that I am sure that this
excuses the level of delusion that Lt Col Brandl is clearly
suffering from!). It is certainly hard to believe anyone in
possession of their faculties would embark on the fiasco that
the "liberation" of Iraq is turning out to be!
However,
the same excuse ("war-induced sanity fatigue") cannot
be used for those safely at home, far away from that conflict,
who appear unable to grasp why someone who has been decorated
as a war hero ie, John Kerry, just might be stronger on security
than someone whose military records are suspiciously difficult
to keep track of (and who manages to avoid military service
in the country where the conflict is actually taking place!)
ie, Bush, during the Vietnam War! No, on the contrary - Kerry
was the one attacked for not being a "real hero".
I guess he must have been awarded medals by accident?! The
results of those smears against Kerry showed up clearly enough
in the outcome of the recent US elections, to the despair
of much of the rest of the world.
Meanwhile,
the rest of the Americans (the many, many sensible ones, whom
we must not forget) have attempted to distance themselves
after the failed attempt at (legal) regime change within the
United States. As they so poignantly reassured us after the
elections, at the web site www.sorryeverybody.com--they tried,
they really, really did. And in their own words:
"Some
of us--hopefully most of us are trying to understand and appreciate
the effect our recent election will have on you, the citizens
of the rest of the world. As our so-called leaders redouble
their efforts to screw you over, please remember that some
of us hopefully most of us are truly, truly sorry. And we'll
say we're sorry, even on the behalf of the ones who aren't."
So, for
those of us (American and non-American) feeling oppressed
by the prospect of another four years of the Bush brand of
Republicanism, I can only suggest that one try to find some
solace in humour. This brings me right back to the main theme
of this column because as the famous American newspaper editor,
H.L. Mencken (1880-1956) put it, "on some great and glorious
day… the White House will be adorned by a downright
moron". And just think, we have lived to see that very
day!!
Copyright
(R) thedailystar.net 2004
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