Home   |  Issues  |  The Daily Star Home | Thursday, July 8, 2010


Argentine Mess, Brazilian Dung

By S. N. Rasul

July 2nd, 2010, Bangladesh:
Brazil loses to the Netherlands two goals to one. Brazilian fans, outraged but turned into wimps, scared of the social massacre they would face at the hands of the Argentine fans stay at home all day, cowering under bed sheets, appearing offline on MSN, not answering doors and burning effigies of Robben. One fan in Dhaka, while trying to dig up dirt on the Netherlands, goes to Wikipedia to find out that Holland is NOT the same as the Netherlands. He, coupled with some other top Brazilian fans in the Bangladeshi government and the approval of the BLOBO (Brazilian League of Blaming Others), sue the Dutch government, claiming fraud and defamation of character by embarrassing loss. When asked to comment, they had this to say: “We thought we were going up against Holland. Our whole strategy would've changed.”

July 3rd, 2010, Bangladesh:
Argentina suffers a repeat quarter-final knockout, losing again to Germany, thrashed at a 4-0 loss. Brazilian fans come out of the shadows and march through the night, taunting the Argentine fans out from their homes. Everyone is doing everything in quarters: four bursts of fireworks into the night, four plates of halim ordered, four horsemen…oh, wait, that's not related. But other such fours follow, everywhere, all the time. It's constant. The Argentines are stumped, they have nothing to say. They try to do what the Brazilians did and read up on Germany, but it was always called Germany, unfortunately. One fan suggests that they claim they thought they were up against West or East Germany, and there is some enthusiasm at first but the Argentines realise that on top of losing, claiming immense stupidity as a defence and say that they were complete ignoramuses for the last 30 years wasn't worth it. They lay low.

July 10th, 2010, Dhaka:
A man is found dead, shot in the gut, floating around in the waters of Dhanmondi Lake. There is a Brazilian flag found stuck into the recess of his buttocks, which has been covered in dung followed by an 'A' written in black ink. The police believe it is supposed to say Dunga. Autopsy reports reveal that the shot was not, in fact, the cause of death, but asphyxiation caused by Argentine flags stuffed into his mouth and nostrils.

July 14th, 2010, Faridpur:
Further investigation reveals that the victim was a Fardipur local and when asked around, they find that he had been riding his motorcycle when he was stopped by a police officer for routine check-up. Witnesses say there were heated arguments between the two concerning the World Cup and, consequently, the officer repeatedly hit him over the head until he was knocked unconscious. He called back up and after the police dug around some more, find out it was he who dumped the body in Dhaka where no one would know him.

July 16th, 2010, Bangladesh:
The murderer cannot be found and the victim apparently had no family. No one can confirm who is a fan of which country. Debates rip through the nation, people arguing over whether the 'dung' reference was an insult to Brazilians or if 'stuffing' Argentina down your throat was meant to be the insult. In some areas, small acts of violence break out.

July 17th, 2010, Mymensingh:
An Argentine fan, convinced that the victim was murdered by a Brazilian, attacks one of his best friends during a heated argument as to whether suffering a loss at the hands of a better team, even though it was four goals to nil, was better than losing to a worse team. His friend dies instantly, on the spot. Neighbours, who had heard the argument, now barges in to see what has happened. The Brazilian fans among the neighbours cannot sustain their anger and attack the Argentine. There is full-blown violence in the neighbourhood.

No one is found dead. But one hundred and thirteen Argentine fans and ninety three Brazilian fans are found, tied and bound on the ground. Though what they would later call the 'M-ass-acre' at Mymensingh is brought under control, the news, and so does the violence, spread to other parts of Bangladesh. In less than nineteen hours, two minutes before midnight, the war has spread everywhere. There are official leaders chosen, radio messages sent to the other side. The whole of Bangladesh is divided into three shapes, respective of the supported nation. The third area, an area the size of Cox's Bazar, is left for all the neutrals. They are forced to live there in detention camps, blackmailed into fighting for one side or the other.

July 18th, 2010, Dhaka:
Bangladesh officially declares civil war. Argentina refuses to participate. The Brazilian government sends reinforcements immediately to the Eastern region of Bangladesh. But the Argentines have numbers on their side.

The Argentines carry around the photo of the butt with the dung and the letter 'A' as their insignia. The Brazilians have a yellow and green checkered flag which has the words “Messi Messalionos Cerebrum” across it in light blue. It literally translates to 'Messi messed up' in Latin.

No one remembers the name of the victims. They were Kuddus and Bulbul Mia, respectively.



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