Reading Between The Lines

Guide to translating personal advertisements
Independent Thinker - Crazy.
High-Spirited - Crazy, hyperactive and throws things.
Free-Spirited - Crazy and irresponsible.
Ample - Large.
Huggable - Large.
Zaftig - REALLY Large.
Fat and Sassy - Large and loudmouthed.
Slender - Skinny.
Svelte - Anorexic.
Petite (I am) - Short.
Petite (you are) - Size 2.
Dynamic - Pushy.
Assertive - Pushy with a mean streak.
Excited About Life's Journey - No concept of reality.
Moody - Manic-depressive.
Unpredictable - Manic-depressive and off medication.
Soulful - Manic-depressive and quiet.
Poetic - Manic-depressive and boring.
Looking for Mr/Ms Right - Looking for Mr/Ms Rich.
Very Human - Quasimodo.
Uninhibited - Lacking basic social skills.
Irreverent - Mean and lacking basic social skills.
Ageing Child - Self-centred adult.
Freedom-loving - Undependable.
Young at Heart - Over 40.
Youthful - Over 50 and in major denial.
Chatty - Never shuts up.
Humorous - Watches too much TV and never shuts up.
Financially secure (I am) - Has a job.
Financially secure (you are) - Rich.
Affectionate - Perverse.
Romantic - Perverse.
Passionate - Perverse.

On a street where the speed was limited to 30km/h the police stopped a driver. “So then. Not only have you been driving too fast, you've been overtaking where it was not allowed. Your lights don't work, your tires are all completely worn out. This is surely going to cost you a lot. What's your name?"
"Schtrathewisizeski Vocgefastilongchinic."
"Hmmmm...eh...well," said the policeman. "I'll let you go this time, but don't do it again."

A guy in a car was pulled over by a cop for driving through a stop sign. The cop asked the man why he didn't stop and the man responded, "I slowed down; slowing down and stopping are just about the same thing, aren't they?"

The officer proceeded to pick up the man by the collar and beat the man in the face mercilessly with his night stick. While he was doing this, the officer said, "Now, do you want me to SLOW DOWN, or do you want me to STOP?"

There was a painter by the name of Kalu who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he would often thin his paint to make it go further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the city decided to do a big restoration job that involved the painting of one of its biggest churches.

Kalu put in a bid and because his price was so low, he got the job. He went about erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, thinning it down with the turpentine. Kalu was up on the scaffolding, painting away with the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder and the sky opened. The torrential rain washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Kalu off the scaffold and on to the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Kalu was no fool. He knew this was a judgement from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...
"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!”