A
Bad Cow Day
Imran H. Khan
This
year, the ceremonial cow is giving new meanings to the statement
"having a cow". Every year, thousands of his brothers
(and sometimes, sisters) are slaughtered during a festival
the differentiating, moralising humans call 'Eid'. Not only
do they kill but intelligence reports say that they also
buy a lot of expensive clothes and 'par-ty' during that
time. They have had it up to their quadruped limbs. This
year is going to be different: if the cows can find some
way of avoiding the public eye the week before the ceremonial
'blood festival', their existence will be stretched. The
cows, with much gusto, have organised an AGM (Annual Goru
Meeting) where they hope to take stern action to resolve
this abominable and definitely avoidable violence against
this peace-loving herbivore. All they need now is a good
disguise, a change of heart (from the human's side) and
an equally delectable four-legged to take its place.
One
of the prominent ideas that has been proposed was to paint
stripes on themselves and declare that they were actually
'zebras', but that thought was quickly disposed of and the
candidate was told to quit 'horsing' around as serious issues
still remained on the strap. This was still by far the best
idea put forward, but a member of the COW® (Cows Obsessed
with Work front) have said that if people actually took
them to be zebras, then they would all be arrested and put
away (to zoos) and the diet there as we all know is a sure
killer.
In
a special report, the Mooning Committee has announced that
the Zilhajj moon had not been sighted as yet. One of the
main reasons was heavy fog and smog, which had engulfed
mainly the areas surrounding the 'Mooning Observatory'.
Experts say that the fog was not only thick but had a familiar
stench of methane, the matter was soon dropped and the National
Mooning Committee returned to their safety indoors to continue
with the lucrative discussion of what price their cow will
be this year.
Due
to the pollution problems of the country, thousands of cows
have taken to the streets to protest. They have decided
to reintroduce ox-driven carts or even help with the engine-driven
vehicles. One of them has taken Volvo's slogan as being
the 'safest car on the streets' to new heights. The cow
says that though horse-powered cars go faster, cow-powered
cars will surely be for those who want a strong and sturdy
animal under the hood. The cows are on all limbs to help
the cause (namely theirs). They are also fertilising all
the street dividers for free as a gesture of their good
will.
They
have heard some rumour about all the attacks by the Iraqi
guerrillas in Baghdad, the DB Cows (Defenceless Bunch of
Cows) of Dhaka are willing to send a group of their elite
to tackle the issues in Iraq. They are totally confident
that they will do a much better job than the Bush administration.
They hope to put Bangladesh in the World's perspective and
highlight all the needs of the country once things have
settled in Iraq, namely the need for more vegetarians. They
are truly sorry for the Mad Cow incident that happened previously
and they are willing to stay sane as long as we keep them
off our dining room tables. Many cows have applied for VISAs
to a neighbouring country where cows are revered. They hope
to change their status and live happily ever after.
Seeking
desperate measures before Eid, they needed a suicidal animal
(to replace the cow) on their shopping list. Will they come
up with a plan to (literally) save their skin before they
end up as the beef bhuna, beef chaap, hunter beef roast...
(The
contents of this article are fictitious. Any resemblance
to any authorities, people or animal is purely coincidental.
No cows were harmed during the duration of this article) |