A Bad Cow Day

Imran H. Khan

This year, the ceremonial cow is giving new meanings to the statement "having a cow". Every year, thousands of his brothers (and sometimes, sisters) are slaughtered during a festival the differentiating, moralising humans call 'Eid'. Not only do they kill but intelligence reports say that they also buy a lot of expensive clothes and 'par-ty' during that time. They have had it up to their quadruped limbs. This year is going to be different: if the cows can find some way of avoiding the public eye the week before the ceremonial 'blood festival', their existence will be stretched. The cows, with much gusto, have organised an AGM (Annual Goru Meeting) where they hope to take stern action to resolve this abominable and definitely avoidable violence against this peace-loving herbivore. All they need now is a good disguise, a change of heart (from the human's side) and an equally delectable four-legged to take its place.

One of the prominent ideas that has been proposed was to paint stripes on themselves and declare that they were actually 'zebras', but that thought was quickly disposed of and the candidate was told to quit 'horsing' around as serious issues still remained on the strap. This was still by far the best idea put forward, but a member of the COW® (Cows Obsessed with Work front) have said that if people actually took them to be zebras, then they would all be arrested and put away (to zoos) and the diet there as we all know is a sure killer.

In a special report, the Mooning Committee has announced that the Zilhajj moon had not been sighted as yet. One of the main reasons was heavy fog and smog, which had engulfed mainly the areas surrounding the 'Mooning Observatory'. Experts say that the fog was not only thick but had a familiar stench of methane, the matter was soon dropped and the National Mooning Committee returned to their safety indoors to continue with the lucrative discussion of what price their cow will be this year.

Due to the pollution problems of the country, thousands of cows have taken to the streets to protest. They have decided to reintroduce ox-driven carts or even help with the engine-driven vehicles. One of them has taken Volvo's slogan as being the 'safest car on the streets' to new heights. The cow says that though horse-powered cars go faster, cow-powered cars will surely be for those who want a strong and sturdy animal under the hood. The cows are on all limbs to help the cause (namely theirs). They are also fertilising all the street dividers for free as a gesture of their good will.

They have heard some rumour about all the attacks by the Iraqi guerrillas in Baghdad, the DB Cows (Defenceless Bunch of Cows) of Dhaka are willing to send a group of their elite to tackle the issues in Iraq. They are totally confident that they will do a much better job than the Bush administration. They hope to put Bangladesh in the World's perspective and highlight all the needs of the country once things have settled in Iraq, namely the need for more vegetarians. They are truly sorry for the Mad Cow incident that happened previously and they are willing to stay sane as long as we keep them off our dining room tables. Many cows have applied for VISAs to a neighbouring country where cows are revered. They hope to change their status and live happily ever after.

Seeking desperate measures before Eid, they needed a suicidal animal (to replace the cow) on their shopping list. Will they come up with a plan to (literally) save their skin before they end up as the beef bhuna, beef chaap, hunter beef roast...

(The contents of this article are fictitious. Any resemblance to any authorities, people or animal is purely coincidental. No cows were harmed during the duration of this article)