Jokes

Lines to Live By

Women's
Bumper-Stickers
*So many men, so few who can afford me.
*God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
*If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.
*My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
*Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
*Coffee, chocolate, men...some things are just better rich.
*Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen.
*If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
*Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
*I'm out of estrogen -- and I have a gun.
*Guys have feelings too, but like...who cares?
*Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
*Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
*Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
*You have the right to remain silent, so please shut up.
*All stressed out and no one to choke.
*I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
*How can I miss you if you won't go away?
*Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
*If we are what we eat, I'm fast and cheap.
*Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Immortality
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat beef or pork?"
I said, "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning, or rock climbing?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with women?"
"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a damn if you live to be 80?"

Just A Push
A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim "a little bit".
When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him over the table.
He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was about one-tenth that hard."

Success
At age 4, success is.....not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is...having friends.
At age 20, success is...having friends of the opposite sex.
At age 35, success is...making money.
At age 70, success is...having friends of the opposite sex.
At age 80, success is...having friends.
At age 90, success is...not peeing in your pants.