Jokes

Wise Words

You're Beautiful!

There was a lawyer who was waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and said, "You're beautiful!" after which he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple of minutes later his eyes fluttered open and said "You're cute!"
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" he said "cute."
She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
He replied, "The drugs are wearing off!"
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Comforting Words
A man was seen fleeing down the halls of hospital just before his operation.
"What's the matter?" he was asked.
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."
"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor."
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Poisoned Coffee
A woman once got annoyed at a man. She said sharply to him, "If you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee."
"And if I were your husband," responded the man, "I'd drink it."
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Things to Ponder Over

*Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
*Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
*Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
*Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is?
*What's the speed of dark?
*How come abbreviated is such a long word?
*Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
*Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
*If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
*A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…
*If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
*If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
*Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
*What hair colour do they put on the passports of bald men?
*How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
*If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
*I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
*After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
*If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
*I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
*Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
*Why does an "X" stand for a kiss?
*Why does the word "Filipino" start with the letter F ?
*Why are the copyright dates on movies and television shows written in Roman numbers?

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