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Jokes

Boo-boos you don't wanna make!

My Brother's Driving
Two guys were out joy- riding when the driver ran a red light. His friend complained and the driver said "Don't worry, that's the way my brother drives."
Later the driver ran another red light and again his friend complained and again the driver distinctly replied "Don't worry! That's the way my brother drives!"
A few miles down the road the driver comes to a green light and comes to a complete stop. His friend looked over in utter dismay and screamed "What are you doing, the light is green?!"
The driver said, "Yeah, but my brother might be coming the other way."

Birthday Present
Afew days before her birthday a husband asked his wife, "Dear, what would you like for your present?"
"I really don't think I should say."
"How about a diamond ring?" the husband asks.
"I don't care much for diamonds."
"Well, how about a mink coat?"
"You know I do not like furs." she says.
"A golden necklace?" asks the man.
"I already have three of them."
"Well, gosh, what do you want?"
The wife replies, "What I'd really like is a divorce."
"Hmmm," says the man, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

The Pirate
A pirate walks into a bar. He has a peg leg, hook for a hand and a patch over his eye.
The bartender asks "So, what happened to your leg?"
The pirate says "Aaar, I was fighting the British Navy and they blew up me ship, I fell over board and a shark bit me leg off."
"Oh," said the bartender, "What happened to your hand?"
The pirate replies, "Aaar, I was fighting the British Navy again and one came up and chopped me hand off with his sword."
The bartender then asked, "Well, what happened to your eye?"
The pirate answered, "Aaar, I was walking down the beach and I looked up and there were some seagulls and one doodooed in me eye."
"And that caused your eye to be put out?" asked the bartender.
To this the pirate said, "No, first day with me hook!"

Cold Water
Aman went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in.
After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and sausages. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal".
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes, so he ask again, "Are you sure these plates are clean"?
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it anymore!"
Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out".
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted, "Cold Water, go lie down!"

Source: Jokesgallery.com